Married but love someone else.

[Headfullofconfusion]

Hi
I’ve been married for 8 years nearly and together 12 to a fantastic, hard working and loving father. Our daughter is 4.
I’ve had 2 affairs in the past and recently got involved with someone new who is female. I knew I was drawn to her since I first met her. Didn’t think anything of it at first. Then wondered if it was the universe telling us to work together on a project. So I suggested it and plans were made. We got closer and closer and before I knew it there was flirting, we couldn’t stop messaging each other and all I wanted to do was see her and spend time with her. Husband found out and has been ok with it all considering but…this time I feel different. There’s real feelings involved and I’ve had some serious realisations that my marriage is not right. I love him as a person and he always does right by me and my daughter apart from maybe working too hard/too much. But always says he’s doing it for us. I feel we have been living different lives/going down different paths for sometime now and I’m struggling to see past what I’ve done. It’s not fair on him and honestly I am heart broken because I now can’t see or speak to her. I’m thinking of ending it but my heart hurts for my little girl. I don’t want to rush the decision but I also can’t stand these feelings of being pulled in two different directions. I don’t want to be the ‘happy wife’ gardening and cooking and cleaning on my days off (he’s never asked me to do those things but you just do them) I’m 36 and feel I want more. I want to explore what this is with her. But I don’t want to regret throwing everything I have away. Any advice?

If you've had 2 affairs in the past and are actively planning a third, I think you need to be honest with your DH and call time on your marriage. He deserves better than someone using him until someone bright and shiny catches your eye.

Advice is to leave your husband OR forget about the woman. Or third option is to negotiate with your husband a situation where you both live as a family but have another relationship on the side, so to speak.

What other options are there, really?

Basically, grow up and get your head together, then make a decision, because at the moment it comes across that you want to have your cake and eat it, too. But you are on your third affair, so surely you don't actually want to be with your husband and prioritise the life you have with him if you cannot help but fuck or fall in love with another person. Your husband is not enough for you.

First post nails it.

You have had 3 affairs. In the process you have endangered your husband’s life. Someone who you at least care about.

This isn’t about the affair partner, this is about you. you likely aren’t in love. It doesn’t even sound like there is anything wrong with your marriage. You probably have these affairs and think about leaving your marriage because you aren’t happy with yourself.

blowing up your life for an affair partner isn’t going to make you happy.

This may sound judgmental, but it’s meant as an honest assessment. You need to slow down and look for life satisfaction within yourself.

Please go and read the step parent boards before you make any decisions. If I ever have any doubts about my marriage I read those and realise how much I value my family.

I sincerely hope your husband is “ok” with your third 🙄 affair as he is getting his ducks in a row and leaving you.

If you’re not happy leave, don’t cheat! Two affairs and onto the third.

Hope your husbands finds his worth

I was in a 10 year relationship (no kids, not married) to a great man. we got together as young adults, bought a house, engaged etc. I had 2 affairs and almost a third, the person I had my 2nd affair with I’m now married to and have been with for 30 years. I have never contemplated having an affair since I’ve been with my husband.

the fact that you have had the affairs means there’s something missing in your marriage. He may be a fantastic man and father but it doesn’t mean you have to stay. You’ve got your daughter to consider so it is tougher for you. You’re still young, if you stay then more than likely you’ll continue to have affairs and ultimately that’s not great for anyone.

it sounds like you are struggling with conflicting emotions and don’t feel fulfilled in your marriage. Have you thought about going to see a therapist to help you work through your feelings and the best way forward.

Some people are happy with just one person, together for life. Others aren't. Life is a sweetie shop and they pick and choose new and exciting sweeties when one catches their eye. This can go on forever, and it sounds like you're one of those people. It doesn't make for a quiet life. If you give up all you've got and go for this woman, you may find you're in exactly the same position a few years hence! Beware!

Your going to regret throwing everything away I can guarantee you that, but he deserves better tbh. I was so taken aback a how easily the fact that you've already had 2 affairs flowed out In your post.

You've said he's a good man why would you want to hurt a good man like this? How he was surprisingly OK aswell is no mystery. He litterally expects this of you now... and who can blame him.

Your going to end up very old and very alone people with this mentality usually do. I may sound harsh but you need a wake up call. Devastating people shouldn't be something you do on repeat. Walk away for his sake.

Put him first because let me tell you your post is all about you and how you feel. You seem totally guilt free and emotionless about the hell your putting him through.