Hopeless situation

[Lisawho]

We've been together for over 30 years and very unhappy for the last 10. Our mortgage is paid and our total assets are £160k, I earn £23k he earns £43k plus company car. I have a tiny pension he has none. We live together with our 2 adult sons, one about to start university the other in a low paid job trying to get a better one. Myself and husband are totally incompatible, our relationship has been over for years. However we are both intent on doing the best for our sons. We've never had an inheritance or will ever have one, both our families are poor. All we've worked for is so our sons will have at least the value of our home to split one day. I'm 51, he's 56. We can either divorce and leave ourselves with too little to have any quality of life or stay together in a miserable relationship but at least have financial security and an inheritance for our sons. Is there any way out of this situation where we might actually achieve some level of happiness in life? I'm at a loss.

You need to focus on your own needs instead of focusing on what you might leave for your sons to inherits. They will have to make their own way in life. As you and most other people do.

A few questions:
Does the 160k include house equity or are their any other investments?
If the house is sold, could you both buy a much smaller property, e.g. NB an ex-council flat? (Don't dismiss this out of hand - some LA flats/estates are really nice.)
Why no pensions? You are obviously a low earner, but your husband's wage is reasonable, so where did all the money go?
Can you retrain or work towards being promoted and earning more?

Bottom line: Do not stay in an unhappy marriage to save money.

Thank you for reply. 160k is the total, the house is only worth 120K. There's no way of buying a property each, I've looked around. I thought I might be able to get a 10 year mortgage but have only been in this job a few months so it's very unlikely. I intend trying to progress but it's difficult due to other responsibilities and this is a step up for me as I've always worked part time before. He's been self employed all his life and only got this job last year, it's the only time we've had any financial comfort ironically so it feels tragic to throw it away. I've been doing calculations and if we stay in the same house living separate lives and budget well we could easily save £20-25k a year. Maybe more. It's starting to look like the best way forward but doesn't seem very appealing. It's a very small house and I work from home but at least there would be light at the end of the tunnel.

Help me understand. You've saved very little over the past 30 years, but now you think that "if we stay in the same house living separate lives and budget well we could easily save £20-25k a year. Maybe more." Even though you only earn £23k and £43k, respectively. Are you sure this is realistic?

How will living together 'separately' but under the same roof affect your state of mind and general wellbeing? I do not believe that this would be sustainable.

How much are 1-2 bedroom ex-LA flats in your area, or in areas you could potentially move to? Speak to a mortgage broker and see if they have any ideas.

At the end of the day you could rent, which is still better than living with someone who makes you deeply unhappy. You only get one life, etc etc.

i know it doesn’t seem it, but you’re actually in a strong position. At least your kids are adults and less likely to be affected by a split than those of us with young kids. And don’t worry so much about giving them an inheritance. Plenty of us won’t be getting any kind of inheritance. I’m sure your sons would prefer you to be happy. Have you looked at Shared Ownership properties from the big building companies, Barratt, Bellway etc?

Thanks for your reply. I have just started looking at shared ownership, and it may be a possibility.

If your current house is worth £120k then I’m assuming you can buy something for a similar amount nearby? If you had half the assets, you’d only need a mortgage of 50-60K (with fees, etc) and it is possible to get a mortgage past retirement age. If you have enough to save that amount, you can afford a mortgage. Why don’t you try a broker to see if there are any options, even if that would be for 6 months or a years time when you’ve both been in your current jobs a bit longer.

Thanks for replying, I think a one bedroom flat might be within budget if I'm able to get a mortgage in the next year or so.

Such a hard situation to be in and must be very wearing. I know this sounds far fetched but is there anyway at all you could divide the house up to make into a temporary maisonette type set up. Or convert garage etc. I know you probably want to move on etc but just trying to think of how to ensure you are financially stable. I know it's not as good as a clean break but may be a temporary measure rather than everything at once? Sending hugs.

Thank you for your kind words. The house is tiny unfortunately and we have two adult sons at home too. We have considered staying here for a few months longer and saving as much as possible but it's not a very practical or appealing situation. Might have to do it anyway though.

If staying in same home you could save £20k in a year then next year you'd have £180k. Would you be able to afford something tiny then with a mortgage?

As long as you have a permanent employment contract, most lenders will consider you for a mortgage with three months payslips. I’ve taken out mortgages in brand new jobs and when relocating for a job with a start date in the future, so being in a new job shouldn’t preclude you. At 51 you should be eligible for a mortgage with a 15-year term without having a mortgage into retirement age. Even if you put the house on the market and file for divorce tomorrow you’re not going to complete the sale or finalise the financial settlement until much later in the year, so you’ve planning room. You can eat the elephant in small chunks - it’s taking the first steps that’s most important.

Could you rent for a year or so? That’s what I would do.