Leaving abusive husband what are the steps?

[Poppersparadox]

After posting a thread on AIBU about my husband refusing to take me to hospital I've realised, with MN's help, that my husband is actually an abusive narcissist who I don't know at all and don't want to be around a second longer than I have to.

What are my very first steps? I'm wanting to do everything I can to ensure my and my son's safety so and lining things up before I tell him anything.

I am back from the hospital, tired and vulnerable with my entire world going in a direction I wouldn't have predicted last week. Any help or advice would be so gratefully received. Mumsnetters have saved my life this week and I am so thankful.

Contact Women's Aid. They are a fantastic resource. Their website has good information too.

Secure all the documents that you need like birth certificates, passports etc.

Do you have a friend or relative you can stay with?

Speak to a solicitor. Some offer half an hour free.

Check if you are entitled to any benefits. The .gov.uk website is a good resource.

Lean heavily on people who love you. Don't be afraid to ask them for help.

Good luck.

Start gathering important documents, birth certificates passports. have an overnight bag with any medications special teddys , 2 days worth of clothes things like that.
Ring womens aid they will do an assessment and tell you what your options are.

In case you can’t get Women’s Aid asap (but do keep trying), just wanted to share some advice I got. As above, have a bag ready with change of clothes for you & your child, any medicines, passports, cash, keys etc you might need if you have to leave in a rush. Change phone settings so texts and WhatsApps and emails don’t come up on the Lock Screen. Change passwords on your phone etc. & on any solo bank accounts. Tell someone you trust ideally nearby in case you need somewhere to go. The most dangerous time is when you are leaving so be prepared. And definitely see a lawyer. Good luck and take care.

I’m just getting to the end of my divorce and the thing I most regret is not knowing our full financial situation.

So try and find out and get access to all bank accounts. Joint, yours and his. Check you know all the credit/bank cards he uses. Try and get a look at his tax accounts.

Look at the Form E online. This is the basis on which your financial settlement will be made. Look at all the questions and information it asks for, and make sure you know all the answers for both you and him.

In my divorce I left the marital home without knowing any of this. When I had to do the Form E I couldn’t get access to a lot of the stuff - it was either in paper form in the house or online in his name only. He did what many men do on the Form E - undervalued his assets or omitted them altogether - I didn’t have the proof or the bravery to question him.

He even controlled my HMRC account and I couldn’t even access my own tax accounts while he pretended to know nothing about it.

If he is a narcissist he will not give in easily, arm yourself well before you go into battle. You may have to continue to fake nice for a while. But as others have advised also prepare to leave quickly if you feel your safety is at risk.

Wikivorce is a good website.

Don't let him get whiff that you're leaving or that the scales have fallen from your eyes. Act a lot and keep it very very normal. The most dangerous time for women is when they're planning to leave and leaving as this is when things can escalate as they lose control. You've got this and good luck.