I need some MN advice to help me start to rebuild my life

[Itisallgoingtobeok]

I really need some MN help and advice. It's nearly a year since I left a highly controlling relationship, including SA. The relationship was long, over 20 years, and he developed some severe mental health issues during COVID which changed him completely. We didn't have children. I am safe now and the divorce is progressing.

I am finding it very hard to move forward, or see any kind of future for myself. I have a good job, so am lucky in that respect. I also had some wonderful friends who helped me when I was in danger. They really kept me going when I was so frightened I couldn't do anything at all. Now a year has gone by and I fear that I am starting to become wearisome to them. The weight of the abuse, and the change in my once wonderful husband is so heavy. I can see it written on my face when I look in the mirror. I feel as though I have a flag over my head which says "broken" that everyone can see.

Before I left I read inspiring stories of women leaving abusive relationships who flourished and felt enormous relief, but I don't feel that at all. I know I am grieving for the man I married, who no longer exists. I can't see that I will ever be able to trust another relationship. I had a good man who changed, almost over night. I can't go through that again, but it means the rest of my life will be alone. That feels so empty, so bleak.

I am looking for a therapist, so hopefully that will help.

Is there anyone out there who went through this? What were the first small, tiny steps you took to help rebuild and see a future?

Thank you if you have read all of this, I know it is long.

I'm so sorry you've been through what you have. Losing your relationship, it feels like grief. It really does.

Small steps for me were doing things that I enjoyed again, every single day. Taking the dog for a long walk on the beach, spending ages in the bath with music I enjoyed, cooking, redecorating the house. Find and try new stuff that can bring you joy. Counselling will help massively as well.

Part of my healing was to write a list of everything in my future. I could then take tiny steps towards those goals. Later I had some sessions with a life coach - they helped me plan the future and move on to brighter things.

I promise, you can do this.

@QueenBakingBee (great user name by the way!), thank you for answering. I like the idea of writing a list for the future, even small things. At the moment, I see no future worth having. I know that's my emotions and my common sense tells me that of course there is a future, but I am drowning in my sadness at the moment. I had not thought about a life coach, that is something I will research, I think it could be really helpful.

Thank you x

It sounds like you have experienced a big shock with your exs sudden change. This was a man you loved and trusted by the sounds of it, and all that was completely shattered and broken quite suddenly. That is a lot for anyone to deal with and may of course have affected how secure you feel. Also there will of course be grief to process which can take some time to process too.

It sounds like this upset to your sense of security may be affecting how you see your friendships. In time, these insecurities will lessen but therapy should definitely help you work through all of this.

it sounds like you have made (perhaps as a coping mechanism) quite a black and white decision about your future. Perhaps try to focus on getting therapy to help rebuild your sense of security and work through other issues. Even if you decide going forward not to have a relationship, you don’t necessarily have to be lonely and could have an active life with friends and hobbies.

When I was getting divorced I focused like the previous poster on what made me feel good - so joining meet-up groups and socialising way more, going for walks, swimming etc. Hot baths etc. it all helped give me a boost. Try to get in touch with what you truly enjoy and do more of that. Also personally if I were you I’d do therapy first then perhaps find a coach after 6 months of therapy.

You sound depressed and understandably so.

Hopefully therapy will help in the meantime I would say get out in the countryside, park, canalside walks as much as possible and take up an exercise class.

@Tosca23 - I think you may be right when you raise depression. I wonder if it is time to see my GP.

I am trying to make an effort to eat well and walk daily as gentle exercise. It does help, but not enough.

Sorry that last post was for @ViciousCurrentBun

@Tosca23 - thank you for sharing your experiences. It's good advice and I'm trying to focus on doing things I enjoy. I find the effort enormous to do even things I used to really enjoy. Now I write that down... it sounds a lot like depression doesn't it?

One step at a time, life will get better bit by bit. Just keep nurturing yourself, things will fall in to place. You’ve got this. A good therapist could be a god send to help you on path to feeling better.

First step is to take the pressure off yourself to feel/be "better". There is no prescribed time period for recovery from trauma.

I know because I did it, until my therapist pointed out that I was just beating myself up instead of him doing it!

I am years on now, survived another broken relationship since, and whilst things aren't perfect, I am content. I enjoy the small things and life is very much worth living.

@Summerhillsquare - thank you for your kind words, you have given me hope. I am trying to do one small thing each day that makes things better. I can see I have a very long road ahead.

No worries, how are you doing?

@Summerhillsquare - it's slow going if I am honest. I know I will get there, so I keep plodding forwards. There are times where it just completely overwhelms me so I have decided to just let it. I think I need to allow it to, try and get it out of my system for the want of a better word.