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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Is mediation impossible in this situation?

11 replies

goodgodwhatnow · 26/05/2024 14:25

Name changer as probably very outing info, but I am divorcing after a v long relationship and marriage. Two teenage DC. Ex was in a job for 20+years which he was 'made to resign' from for a relationship with a younger junior colleague.

As is the way, bits and pieces of new info trickle out over the weeks - she actually accused him of being predatory, he was suspended (but pretended to go to work for months) and he is out but she is still there.

Also, he has notebooks everywhere with notes from his investigation. I found one page that said that 'Possible' with a list of women's names - assuming that this is the fairly lengthy list of women at work who could have made an allegation (before he was told who). She wasn't even the first name on the list?

He is not telling me anything and is minimising/lying/stonewalling. These are serious allegations, plus what on earth re the list?

He expects us to be able to mediate, but honestly, who the heck is he? I don't believe a word he says. He is still living under the same roof and I am genuinely scared for my mental health the longer he is here.

Should I still do mediation even though he won't be honest, ever? Or just sack the idea and get a lawyer.... I can't afford it, especially given he has no income, but I feel unable to manage something like this alone.

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NosyJosie · 26/05/2024 15:19

The courts like to see people try to mediate before court and it’s not for long so go through the motions and get divorced from this idiot.

if he is uniformed services you need to get an actuary report of the pension. Don’t be fobbed off with a CETV valuation.

goodgodwhatnow · 26/05/2024 15:24

Should I have a lawyer ready to review anything agreed before it's signed -if that makes sense? I'm so desperate to get him out of my life that I worry I will rush it

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NosyJosie · 26/05/2024 15:30

Absolutely! Don’t agree anything until a solicitor has advised you.
What stage are you at? Have you filed? Has anyone made a proposal to the other yet?

Bewareofthisonetoo · 26/05/2024 15:35

You can get a certificate from a mediator to say that judge mediation not to be possible given the situation between the spouses. I got this because he could see that the situation was simply impossible. His certificate meant that we could bypass the mediation and my solicitor could apply direct to the court for proceedings.

Whatthehell23 · 26/05/2024 16:35

Hello I’m in a situation where my ex is lying about his finances? Plus I’m at the stage E where we have exchanged our paperwork.I get to his finances he sees mine ? He has not put down what his earnings were last year!! Plus no evidence of his tax code .Now he says that the judge will make me sell my house? As my pension worth more than his !! Plus we should now scrap all the paperwork.He will apply for a conditional order!! That’s it job done no need to get the court involved? I’m not convinced I know he is lying.Any advice thank you.

goodgodwhatnow · 26/05/2024 17:30

NosyJosie · 26/05/2024 15:30

Absolutely! Don’t agree anything until a solicitor has advised you.
What stage are you at? Have you filed? Has anyone made a proposal to the other yet?

I've filed, we both had separate meetings with mediator. I also spoke to a lawyer at the start to get general advice, but thought mediation would work (until the extent of his lying/shittiness was known)

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goodgodwhatnow · 26/05/2024 17:31

Bewareofthisonetoo · 26/05/2024 15:35

You can get a certificate from a mediator to say that judge mediation not to be possible given the situation between the spouses. I got this because he could see that the situation was simply impossible. His certificate meant that we could bypass the mediation and my solicitor could apply direct to the court for proceedings.

Useful thank you. I just want him out of the house immediately but he won't go, I know I have no legal right to get him out but his presence here is really damaging my mental health, sleep, etc

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goodgodwhatnow · 26/05/2024 17:32

Whatthehell23 · 26/05/2024 16:35

Hello I’m in a situation where my ex is lying about his finances? Plus I’m at the stage E where we have exchanged our paperwork.I get to his finances he sees mine ? He has not put down what his earnings were last year!! Plus no evidence of his tax code .Now he says that the judge will make me sell my house? As my pension worth more than his !! Plus we should now scrap all the paperwork.He will apply for a conditional order!! That’s it job done no need to get the court involved? I’m not convinced I know he is lying.Any advice thank you.

Sorry I can't help, might be worth starting a thread about this so people in the know can find you and advise?

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Whatthehell23 · 26/05/2024 18:31

goodgodwhatnow · 26/05/2024 17:32

Sorry I can't help, might be worth starting a thread about this so people in the know can find you and advise?

Ok but I’m not sure how to do this .

goodgodwhatnow · 26/05/2024 18:36

Whatthehell23 · 26/05/2024 18:31

Ok but I’m not sure how to do this .

Scroll up to the top and you will see a 'Start new thread' button

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goodgodwhatnow · 07/06/2024 18:56

Just wanted to update this to see what best next steps are. Had mediation and it was surprisingly helpful, however today, I have had another woman from his work contact me on my Linkedin (I have noticed her checking my profile for several months). He has eventually admitted to an affair with her 10 years ago, when she was VERY young and my kids were tiny. I absolutely cannot deal with him any more especially in a mediation situation.

He lies so easily and says what he needs to say to get him out of any situation. He is manipulative and is using the children (and the knowledge that I would never hurt them) to get me to agree to being reasonable but I am apoplectic now. I am petrified that this woman (who clearly is impacted by her relationship with him if she is stalking his wife 10 years later) will escalate her contact in some way or post something on my public work profile.

Should I just instruct a solicitor to get a clean break asap? I can't afford it but my mental health can't take any more of this!

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