Separation after 20 years!

[Lifelessonssuck]

I’ve been with my partner for 20 years, we have two kids 6 and 3, a fresh mortgage and house we’ve just extended.
Im 39 and I think in the beginnings of peri menopause, as well as on antidepressant since having my children. I’m about to start a new job that is full time and my partner and I have just started seeing a couples therapists, it’s very early days and I think we have established my partner is depressed (he is yet to do anything about it). So I’m stressed to say the least and so is he, he works a lot and it’s shift work. I was holding out hope for the therapy until last night when he came home after having a few beers and caused an awful scene in front on our kids, shouting how he didn’t love me anymore amongst other things! I removed the kids from the house because he was so angry, I wasn’t worried he would hurt them or me but I just didn’t want the kids to be around that behaviour, and I won’t. He does have a temper and it comes out after he drinks, there’s alot of passive aggression and we have drifted apart because of it.
Im so drained today, we have talked and as I suspected he says he didn’t mean what he said and we talked through why he was so angry and some of the problems within our relationship, he opened up to me more than he ever has in the past.
I came home resolved to call it a day and now I don’t know what to do, to add to it my 6 year old came home saying please don’t send daddy away’!! 😪 Don’t misunderstand he is a fantastic dad and has many many good qualities and the man I feel in love with is in there still know it is.
Im in such a difficult situation I just don’t know what to do, should I give the therapy a chance for the sake of the children or do I end it and stop the cycle we seem to be in! Im so scared of the potential changes to my children’s lives that will come from a break up having been a child who’s parents separated!
Our therapist did say she could help us to un-couple if it came to being that.
Anyone been in a similar situation, I’d really appreciate hearing about it.

I've stayed in the hope it would work out and for my kids and I only made myself even more unhappy.
My ex anger also came out in drink and it was horrendous.

Of course I thought of my kids when we decided to end it but I kept telling myself, they will be far better with a happy mammy and a happy daddy than keep seeing the arguments and how sad we were.
(I tried my hardest to keep all the shit from the kids but it was hard and out of my control)

We still do things together with the kids which they love, we get on a lot better now only the odd disagreement.

I’ve thought for some time now that I don’t want to do this anymore. I just can’t cope with the way he deals with his stress and the constant undercurrent of anger that’s in him, it’s totally worn me down to the point I feel empty and totally tired of having a fully grown 3rd child! I’m starting to realise we are in cycle of abuse! When he told me he didnt love me anymore I didn’t even care, I was just so upset he’d said it in front of the kids! I’ve talked to my 6 yo tonight about what might happen and she was obviously upset but i said to her that where we live doesn’t matter as long as we are together and happy and that she would be able to see her daddy whenever she wants to.
urghh I cannot believe I am in this boat!!

Yes just proceed down that road. He isn’t a fantastic dad or else he would have addressed his anger and drink issues.

My parents stayed together far too many years, they shouldn’t have, it’s far more damaging.

Passive-agrressive, heavy drinker, anger issues... this doesn't sound good.

When you say he's a "fantastic dad" what exactly do you mean? Because we see phrases like this on here all the time, and usually it turns out the guy can't be arsed to do any parenting but will sometimes play with the kids.

Personally I wouldn't want to be with this man. I know it's hard but some times when it's over it's over. Humans fear change. But sometimes it's for the best.

I'd suggest if you split up and have different houses, there is nothing to stop you dating him now or in the future should you wish to. You could be continuing to date just now while attending counselling. If you both want. Just staying in different houses.

He said he doesn't love you so it's not like you're the only one who isn't sure of the way forward. And I'd tell him that if he guilt trips you. Being apart will give you both a chance to think. Things must change as you can't both go on like this forever.

Although I think once you're away from him you won't want him back.

Start looking at your options for another accommodation for whichever one of you is to move out now.

I wouldn't listen to your child wanting his daddy to keep staying there. Of course he does. He doesn't know what's good for him but if dad can keep off the drink and patent safely and properly they can see each other regularly and everyone will be a lot happier.

@GrumpyPanda I get your point. I mean he adores his girls and makes a lot of effort, as much as can be expected from a dad who works ALOT. He’s there emotionally and physically and does the hard work as well as the easy stuff.

@Elieza I agree I know I will feel a huge weight lifted and I cannot see myself ever being with him again or anyone for that matter. I just want to focus on my girls.
Im seeing our therapist at the end of this week and I’m going to tell her I want her to help us un-couple. The incident on Friday has just been the straw that broke the camels back!!

Thanks everyone for your input.