Hi,
Brief details of the situation so far:
- ex left family home mid January due to arrest (DA/SA), bail conditions mean no direct contact between us currently
- DD has just turned 6
- we have family court hearings ongoing for a CAO, the most recent hearing was the FHDRA
- ex has legal representation, I haven't for the last few hearings but will have at the next one
- ex works full time and is self employed, made a profit last tax year of around 40k
- I work part time due to having MS and my hours work around school drop offs/pick ups
- social services report confirmed no safeguarding concerns with either parent and we are still waiting for CAFCASS safeguarding checks
Since ex's arrest he was having our little one 3 nights a week. At the last court hearing, his solicitor pushed an additional night a fortnight. At the time, I couldn't understand why but I've since been told by a mutual friend it's so Ex can avoid "paying child maintenance". I explained to his solicitor that I wasn't even fully comfortable with the 3 nights a week as Ex is currently living with his elderly mum and has no bedroom/privacy of her own. In addition to this, and despite the purchase of a blow up bed, ex keeps sleeping in the same bed as our little one and they were coming home exhausted with bags under their eyes due to his snoring. He also knows that I feel it is not healthy for their development to share a bed with them and both myself and SS have had to explain to him why joint showers are also inappropriate given her age now. His solicitor asked if I would agree to trying the extra night a fortnight if Ex agreed to sleep on the sofa in separate room to which I agreed. It's been 7 weeks since the last hearing and not only has he gone back on his word and continues to sleep in the same bed as her but I've since found out that it's not even him collecting her from school he gets others to do it or he picks her up then drops her off at his sisters while he goes back to work. For context, this is a man who I would have to beg to book a week off during the summer holidays to spend time with us and historically, his business always came before his daughter, the house, me etc.
In addition to the actual logistics, one of the issues I was having coparenting with him prior to our separation was that he has no boundaries with our daughter. He let's her do what she wants, eat what she wants, never says no to her, never reprimanded bad behaviour, and I have evidence of this (screenshots of messages of him apologising he's never helped me enough with her or been firm enough with her). I had concerns regarding our child's behaviour and he would dismiss them, but he now acknowledges them. Anyway, whenever she comes home from her dad's not only is she sleep deprived and massively overstimulated (he allows her her tablet at bedtime in bed, an absolute rule in the family home that we never broke) but she looks unkempt and her teeth look like she hasn't brushed them for three days. Our little one has told me that it's her nan who makes her packed lunches and dinners and washes her clothes etc which doesn't surprise me as he never lifted a finger in this house and when I was too unwell to cook he would just order takeaways or purchase ready meals for the week. So obviously I have concerns about how he will cope when he's no longer living with "mummy". Although I suspect he won't live independently anyway and will just move in with his next partner.
The next hearing wouldn't be enough time to list all of my concerns and reasons why I feel 50/50 isn't working and feel it should be 2/3 nights a week (there aren't enough hours in the day for that ha) but I just feel for the sake developmental and behavioural issues, 50/50 simply isn't going to work. And I know he won't have even thought about the school holidays yet!
Any advice on how best to get my concerns across without sounding like some bitter Betty? I'm adamant I want him in her life and want regular contact and have always told him I would never prevent him having a relationship with her.
Many thanks.