Any chance of offering insight into my weird divorce? It's long. Sorry!

[SerenityNowInsanityLater]

It's 2 and a half years since I filed for divorce from my husband, who is in prison.
He was sentenced to 5 years (will be out in October for good behaviour, serving half his sentence). Anyway, the divorce has been an absolutely long and drawn out mess. For the majority of it, I self represented because I knew that the wait for our NHS pension report would take forever. It did.
I was aware that nothing could move forward financially until we had the pension report.
Once that report came back (and I had 3 valuations done on our property), our 'asset pot' was clear and the financial side of things could move forward.
That was last October 2023. I hired a solicitor at this stage, the 'money part'.
We had the FDR in December, a long, 8 hour day. His lawyers attended. Prison would not release him in the end. Judge decided he couldn't do anything without the respondent's actual input.
Basically we've been forced to settle outside of court because prison won't release him for hearings. So my lawyer and his lawyer had been hashing it out and both sides were working hard towards a settlement, something both sides were totally engaged in.

In March, we 'settled'. Both sides went back and forth, the draft consent order was agreed upon. All we needed was for the court to approve it. "Which should be done within the week," were my lawyer's words.
And then... radio silence. The respondent's lawyer said his client wanted to tweak a couple of things before the draft was made into a consent order. He'd be in touch in a couple of days. More radio silence. Then, "I'm going to visit my client in prison this week. Will be in touch soon." Then more radio silence. And now, as we head into June, it's all radio silence. Total silence. No communication. My solicitor has no idea what's going on. (Sorry, the American side of me still slides between solicitor and 'lawyer' when I type. Sorry if this is kind of annoying).

Anyway, we were meant to put the house on the market this summer. If we'd had a consent order, this is what we would be doing. I've gone and gotten all major repairs done prior to selling because I was pretty much assured this would be happening. But here I am. With no consent order. Just silence. And an unhappy bank balance.

Our fixed rate mortgage ends in September and we still owe £200k on the property. I can't take on the mortgage by myself. It's already been difficult to just keep us afloat in a home that is too expensive for me to run on my own. My plan was to sell this summer, pay 'cash' on a much smaller property a bit further out which I would have been able to do, just about, with my 'share'. I can't go too far because my daughter is in a special school (SEMH). It's vital that she stays there. I also don't want her to lose access to her CAMHS therapist, which she will if I move too far away.

The silence is deafening and I'm wondering what I'm actually looking at.
My ex has lost everything; kids, career, life as he once knew it (due to his own criminal behaviour). Is this simply a case of him going down financially and taking us with him? I don't understand why he went from being totally engaged (as much as one can be from prison) and sending across lists of expectations/requests to be added to the draft order (Which was annoying and demanding but at least we were making headway and eventually, agreed on a financial settlement) to total silence. I just don't even know where I stand now. It's not so much the mortgage that worries me (I mean, of course it does but I can rationally deal with that).
But I just want out. I want 'done'. And I don't want to be living in the family home when he's out of prison... and very likely angry. I'm the one who put him there. He is not a happy man.
I don't know what head space he'll be in and I don't really want him to know where the kids and I are living. I just feel kinda stuck, in limbo, and very anxious.

Can I kindly ask for any wisdom and insight that might help me ask my own solicitor better questions? Because I am really shut down and don't know what to ask anymore or how to even approach my divorce at this point. Thank you, kind, generous MNers, with my greatest appreciation.

Wow what a tough situation. I guess my initial thought would be, does your solicitor believe that you stand any better luck in court now that your OH is no longer responding and given the complexities of the case.

Secondly, and although I am sure you don't wish to go into it on here, and already have it covered, but I would be asking for specialist advice about what you can do to ensure he can not come back to the marital home when he is released. I presume being on the mortgage he could do so as it currently is a shared asset.

In terms of some financial respite can you get the mortgage moved over to interest only, either permanently or as a mortgage holiday etc.

Oh thank you so much for your post FatfunandADHD.

Because he's in prison for abusing our daughter, there's no way he can come back into the marital home, legally. But then, the way things go sometimes and the way he thinks (extremely entitled and always 'right'), I can imagine a scenario where he thinks he can just march back in and live with us, something he was very vocal about in the early days of his sentencing.

The mortgage is interest only, presently. I guess my main worry is, I really don't want to be living here when he's out of prison. My daughter especially is terrified. I just thought we'd have a 'new life' by now. I feel very worried.

My own solicitor seems to be so resistant to attending court. He seems to want to keep us out of court. He used to be so into the idea of court. Pushed it. And now, the opposite. I honestly don't know if I could handle being in the same space as my ex, even with those screens that prevent people from seeing each other. I haven't said as much to my solicitor but my guess is, he sees me becoming more fragile as time moves on, instead of growing stronger.

I am so sorry for everything you are going through. You sound like super mum, doing the right thing by your daughter at every opportunity so please take strength in that.

At this point I would ask your solicitor to bring the matter to the attention of their seniors in their practice and ask for them to brain storm some ways forward. Our solicitors are people too, they will come across scenarios which they haven't come across before etc but can seem too afraid to ask their peers for help.

This is awful for you OP, What a terrible situation, I am so sorry

I want 'done'. And I don't want to be living in the family home when he's out of prison... and very likely angry. I'm the one who put him there. He is not a happy man.
I don't know what head space he'll be in and I don't really want him to know where the kids and I are living

I hate to say this but I think this is exactly why he has been stalling and stone walling. It is his way of controlling you, and I bet he does have an idea that he can swan back in.

I wonder if Women’s Aid or the Lucy Faithfull Foundation can offer advice?

Do you still have a victim liaison contact in the police? I would be in touch with them and tell them your fears. Talk to them about keeping him away from you and what do they advise?

Also, tell your solicitor that this is now urgent. That you want to be out of the house before he is out.

What a horrible situation for you to be in. I really hope your solicitor gets things sorted. You have been so brave and it sounds so you will have to be even more brave being in the same room as him. Will he have any right to see your child at all? I can't think of one reason why he should but I wondered what the law was.

Thank you ALL so, so, so much for just handholding and reaching out with such kindness and generosity. I feel so terrified at times and his pending release is understandably too big for my daughter to take. I mean, it's too big for me to take so I can only imagine- sometimes not even, if I am honest- how scary it is for her to know that her predatory father, who was so threatening, fearsome, and abusive, will be out and about.
And honestly, I don't have a whole lot of faith in the system protecting her or us. We were offered a victim support officer who simply never responded to emails and never returned phone calls. I just sort of gave up. I don't know, it seems, in my own experience anyway, that when you're up close and personal with police, instead of feeling empowered and protected, in our case, we've ended up feeling like they were an extension of the abuser's taunts. I'm not one to police bash at all. But it was such a disheartening experience dealing with them. The worst part was when they kept DD for four hours in a room without a break, without a moment to see me or just catch her breath. And they kept telling her, "You have to say the words, the uncomfortable words. You have to say the body parts. Otherwise we have no evidence that he abused you." She was 11 at the time and just couldn't say the words. For her, the road to justice felt abusive. And now, it's like, she's barely had enough time to finally begin to recover, to just blossom, and just as she's beginning to rise, her abuser will be out on the streets again.

Her SEMH school is the first time my daughter's started to feel safe in herself, safe around people, safe to begin using her voice after a long period of selective mutism. She has access to an amazing school-based therapist who's helped her find her voice in ways her CAMHS therapist admits he's struggled with. The support is incredible.

But I will contact my solicitor again. I just wish I didn't have to point out the obvious. I think though, I have to remember that my case is unusual, and I suppose, with all the 'normal' divorce talk of assets and pensions and consent orders, a child's safety might be easy for a solicitor to overlook. It's not every day a solicitor is dealing with a divorce centered around the abuse of a minor.

My ex has lost PR which was a big and necessary feat. I did that part without a solicitor, when I was self repping, so it was a bit of an Everest climb and a victory. I am glad the judge really heard me with regards to parental responsibility. My ex really needed to lose that. It's kind of unbelievable that parents of victims need to fight so hard to safeguard their children from their abusive parent.

I'm so sorry you're having to go through this.
Back in the day when I was a lawyer, I was acting for a man in a conveyancing transaction, who was suddenly arrested and charged with a similar offence. It was very difficult taking instructions because of the need for confidentiality - I couldn't just post ordinary documents for signature because they would be viewed by the prison officers, and I had to visit every time I needed to explain, advise or get instructions from him. It prolonged the transaction enormously.
Your case is much more complex from the sound of it.
Speak to your lawyer again, ask to go back to court. I wonder if it might actually work better for you if you were to self-represent, as would mean that you could ask questions, contact his solicitor, and get advice from the court on how best to proceed.
Is it possible that you could move out of the house and rent somewhere in the interim, maybe let out the house to cover costs? It really sounds too risky for you to risk being there when he is released. That is something else you could discuss with your lawyer. They might say you need his consent, but if you were to do it anyway and deal with the fallout once it's back in court ( with him there if necessary) that might work. If the rental income had been spent on paying the mortgage, he won't really have lost anything.
But I think you could also consider changing solicitors, yours sounds a bit out of their depth tbh.

Uk house sales take so long. I know you can’t close on the house with out his participation, but is there really anything stopping you from
advertising it for sale?