Stuck in separation limbo

[Newbeginnings2024]

Hi all! Long time lurker, first time poster. Buckle up!

Ive been with my husband for 17 years, married for 12. 2 children 6 & 9. A lot of those years have been extremely unhappy and have worn us down to nothing.

I finally made the call that I was done last year, I couldn’t take another minute of the desperate feeling of wanting to escape. Unfortunately within a few weeks of this his mum was diagnosed with cancer and died 6 months later so during that time and for another 3 months after things continued as to not rock the boat. In January of this year we had a big row and I told him again that I was done. Cue a suicide attempt, crazy behaviour, begging. There is much more but I could go on all day.

Since then with some blips and wild accusations along the way things have just carried on with him still in the family home. Although tense and superficial we are getting along.

We have had a few discussions and have both attended our initial mediation meetings. There appears to be a hypothetical plan in place however he is now doing nothing to move things forward. Mediation has stalled, I don’t think he is engaging so we cannot move forward to our joint session.

He sits in the spare room all day, not working, his behaviour is so erratic I can’t raise anything for fear of him becoming unstable again and this affecting our children. We have 2 houses now to get ready for sale so we can move on which is reliant on him as he has some money from his inheritance and I only work part time.

the kids will be 50/50, there is no argument on that. He has more than enough to buy a house outright once his mums house is sold. I would require an 80/20 ish split from the sale of the family home to get myself something suitable (with a small mortgage).

nothing is moving, I feel trapped. I just want my own space and some peace to rebuild my life and create a stable environment for the children.

He makes zero effort to build resilience, he’s angry and dismissive and I feel trapped again and like I’m relying on him to ‘let me go’. The longer this goes on the more responsible he makes me feel for his emotions. I care of course but when can I put my own sanity first?

I was just wondering if anyone had any similar experiences, how did you finally get away? How do I move things forward when he holds all the cards?

The last few months has been so hard (for him aswell well as me of course) but I almost feel like I’m being held hostage because he doesn’t want the separation.

of course this is things in a nutshell but I would love some advice and support xx

You say that child arrangements will be 50/50. Is this a good idea? He doesn’t sound very stable. Would he even be able to provide adequate care for the children. If his mother’s house is empty, waiting to be sold why can’t he take up residence there? Would it not be better for him to go there and start getting that house clean and ready for the market. Maybe he could do any odd jobs that might need doing there. Better than sitting idle in a room all day! Would be good for his mental health to be doing something.

I think he will be able to keep things together for the kids, at least I hope. I will be keeping a very close eye on things. But I think the thought of not seeing his children could really make him spiral.

absolutely he should be doing all of these things but he refuses to go to his mums house, in fact hates to be away from us at all.

I agree with all the suggestions above but he refuses to do anything! 😓

At the end of the day he can slow the process but he can’t stop it happening. If you want to progress then you will have to take the lead and let him catch up with you.

He might be cleverer than you think because not moving into or using the inherited property means it isn’t part of the asset pool.

The older the children the less reason for you to work part time. Especially in a 50:50 arrangement. These are two reasons why you getting 80% might not be achievable if you don’t act now.

The bottom line is he can slow you down he can’t stop you.

Have you had advice that 80:20 of assets is fair and achievable?
you want him to offset higher share with his inheritance possession. That may or not be achievable

The 80/20 share would be on the basis that his inheritance is not shared at all. He would have approx 600k from the sale of his mums property and a small amount of cash, around 60k. L And I would be looking at approx 200k from equity from our home which would allow me to get a very small mortgage to buy a smaller home locally for me and the kids. I have been advised that I would get a greater share on a needs basis. Whether 80/20 is achievable if we were to end up in court I don’t know. I suppose another reason I feel trapped is that I’m relying on his good grace during mediation to actually agree to that. I cannot afford to fight him in court and I really don’t want things to get to that point.

it feels like lose lose with him holding all the cards right now.

Also, I’m totally happy to increase my working hours. No issue with that at all. Once we have agreed the custody agreements in place I will be maximising the work I can do and working around the school drop offs etc.