Telling the kids

[alcoholnightmare]

Can anyone recommend a child psychologist or therapist or counsellor? Have no idea what we need really. I'm assuming over teams/online but we'd like an appointment to help us manage how we do this.

We need to tell our three babies (5,4,4) that we are about to live separately and get a divorce, but we don't know how to even start.

I'm from divorced parents and remember so much awful shit between them.

My husband and I both want to get this as 'right' as we can

I don't have recommendations for child psychologists. We sat down with our son who was a bit older than your children at the time and just explained that as humans we can all change our mind sometimes and that when mummy and daddy got together we loved each other very much and thought we would love each other and want to live together forever but that has changed.

Then we moved onto the most critical thing for the children:

We still love you, and you are the most important people to us and will be forever and ever. There will be some changes but lots of them will be very exciting, like having new bedrooms, two lots of toys and me and daddy will still both be here always and always.

The 'right' will not be in this particular conversation as much as remaining in a non blame mindset throughout the coming weeks / months / years.

If you do decided to look at therapy for them, I guess I would look for a play therapist in your area as they will be much better placed to help very young children.

Thank you.

God almighty, I'm DREADING this x

My circumstances were different, but I kept it as factual and normal as possible. The children will pick up if you are nervous, upset or make it a big deal. Answer their questions clearly when asked. They may ask at the most inconvenient of times!

Your kids are small - so most likely they will not really remember this conversation when they are older. My youngest was about 9 but even she now struggles to remember much of her life when we were still married.

So - foe starters - you need to figure out and agree practical details of how the future arrangements would work. If His new place is already picked out - set it up for the kids. With small kids - i’d probably try to make it not too different with ‘familiar’ toys, etc.
If there is a way to tell the elder one first - i’d do it. But that may not be practical.

Tell them that they will have lots of time with both of you. And that you both really love them. But adults sometimes cant get along.

As others have said - how you tell them seems important. BUT in reality - what will be more important is how you get along as co-parents. And if the kids feel animosity and conflict.

If you manage to be civil and friendly; and not pull them into your disagreements - they will be OK.