Is this fair?

[AnotherDayAnotherDoll]

Stbxh: £45k. Public sector pension of 25 years. Has and could earn quite a bit more. Full time. Never given up work for kids. Doesn't pay mortgage. MH problems.

Me: £90k. Sometimes less. Not sure I could earn much more. Full time. Went back to work after 3 months maternity. Pay all mortgage and bills. Tiny tiny pension.

House: 300k equity. All put in by me 3 years ago after sale of flat I inherited before I met him.

Kids: older child with SEN and learning difficulties. Suite of interventions.

What I want is to stay in the family home with kids to ensure stability. I will have them 70/30 across the year.

I'm going to suggest 100k to H and i get to stay in house. I won't touch his pension or ask for CMS. 100k lump sump & no ongoing financial links. 100k to him plus his salary could afford a 3 bed flat.

What do you think? Am I being reasonable?

Not an unfamiliar story unfortunately. I was with my XH for a decade before we had kids and he still turned out to be an abusive stranger. How long were you together pre marriage? Ive seen posters say on here that a judge can chose to count that time before for people who were in a relationship a reasonable time before marriage. Hopefully the pension is enough to offset the equity and he wants to keep his pension intact. My XH unfortunately doesn't care as much about his pension as I thought he would.

There isn’t one way to value pensions. FWIW in my divorce we discounted them by 20% compared to current cash. Time to retirement is likely to be a factor. Also in this case the pension is guaranteed and index linked so increases in line with inflation - which is also valid in any discounting to present value. So it’s more about not being able to get hold of it for a while - as it should be worth the same in future terms as in todays terms

If he has half a brain he should be delighted with it. He would be nuts to turn that down.

You are being more than fair.

You should ask for CMS. I can understand not wanting to be linked to him any more. Would suggest that it gets paid straight into accounts for DC if you can afford to manage without it- that way you are not dependent on him.

Stbxh: Public sector pension of 25 years.

They have only been a couple for about 6 years, married for 5 (age of oldest shared child). She brought £300k equity to the home, he brought almost 20 years of pension. They have a case for both 'retrieving' those values to solely selves.

Is it surprising that property price hasn't risen in 5 years ? That the only equity is £300k that OP put in as deposit? Was it an interest-only mortgage?

I think he'll have a better relationship with the children going forward if he pays regular CM even if it seems tokenistic in amount. His shame about not supporting them could undermine their LT relationship, why ensure that? I dunno if OP has £100k or if that is fair amount for her to pay, but her paying him something for the equity, not touching the pension, and him paying ongoing CM makes sense to me.

I think you are rushing this OP. What happens if you lose your job or the kids are I’ll? They are very young for you to be giving up on CMS and giving away £100 k.

You need to look into his pension and get proper advice .