Do I divorce him, or wait for him to initiate

[TurqoiseJasper]

This November would be my 27th wedding anniversary.
2 years ago my husband was escorted off the premises by the police, due to a domestic violence incident. I contacted women's age etc, went to court and got a barring order for 2 years, and he has been gone from the house since then.

We have had no contact or communication at all. I'm in Ireland, so it's a little bit more complicated as you have to have been separated for a minimum of 2 years before you can initiate divorce proceedings. It has now been 2 years and a few days since he's been gone, I would be entitled to legal aid for the divorce, he would not be. Does it actually make any difference? I would absolutely love it if you had to pay through the nose to divorce me, we don't have the young children so I've never had any child support or anything, and he has never contributed a penny to anything since he's been gone.

I'm not speaking from specific experience of your own circumstances but I'd take the control and start the divorce proceedings. I initiated mine in England and found it somewhat empowering to do so.

Not up on the legal side from the Irish perspective but yeah, I think you should based on his previous behaviour. No one should put up with DV.

I would get the ball rolling and get him off your tail ASAP.

oh op don’t worry about that

just get the divorce

you are stuck in the mindset of revenge
and that’s really not going to be any good for you
so just get moving on it

Makes no odds that you will have legal aid and he private however I would call the legal aid society asap as there is a very very long waiting list to even get a cert let alone be seen by a solicitor.

Just start the proceedings. Do you mean you don't have any children or.dont have young children? Why would he pay towards things if you don't have dependent dc?

@DoreenonTill8 assume towards the mortgage as it is a loan taken out by both of them.

We have 3 adult children, only one living at home,no mortgage as we were renting privately.
The last few years I've been on disability benefit only, and I was told that I could have gone for maintenance of some sort, but I didn't, just want nothing to do with him at all.

Of course I don't expect him to pay for anything if he's not here it was the maintenance aspect I was talking about.

Oh no not revenge 😂 him having to pay would never compensate for the wrongs he's done to our family, it was just a petty little thing that crossed my mind. Not stuck in that mindset whatsoever! Just grateful that he's gone and will stay gone, and I'm living in peace.
I will definitely get moving on it.

Do you know actually now I think of it, the domestic violence support woman I was dealing with actually said to me what's the rush with divorce? If you're still married and he comes into money such as winning the lottery, you would still have a claim if you're still married! Unbelievable! Bad enough having to wait two bloody years.

it was just a petty little thing that crossed my mind. Not stuck in that mindset whatsoever!

OP you have started a thread on mumsnet about whether you should delay divorce in order to make your ex pay

you are very clearly in that mindset

Omg, no,I haven't😂
I've had to wait TWO YEARS anyway before even beginning, as in Ireland you need 2 years of physical separation before you can even start.
It's been 2 years and a week or so, I was only putting down a petty thought. I'm just asking if it makes a difference as to who initiates the proceedings.
It will cost him regardless.

I would have divorced him on the spot years ago if I could have.

I would have divorced him on the spot years ago if I could have.

so set the wheels in motion. today. 🤷

I agree with others who have said just get moving with the divorce. It's a wonderful feeling when you're finally free.

@TurquoiseJasper to be honest even after divorce over here and he comes into money you can still claim if you wanted to try. I remember my own legal aid sol telling me this. I nearly died.

Anyway have you rang the law centre to get your name down as yet? I went through it myself although back then it was 4 years you needed to be apart but I finally managed to divorce him.

I'm on it
Second divorce, total failure, oh well.

It's ok, OP, some relationships just have a shelf life, that's all. You're not alone in having two divorces. Best wishes.

@TurquoiseJasper not in the least a failure just an optimist. Been there babe and I am irish and irish divorce which took 7 years. PM if you need x

Got the legal aid firm today in the post, a 15-week wait for an appointment so not too bad I suppose?

No that gives you time to get alll your bits and pieces sorted out, see what you want from the divorce etc. Thats the cert to get you to see a solicitor initially is it? That is actually an impressive turn around time.

By the way, that was a very lovely comment, thank you! x

Please don't feel like a failure; Failure would be sticking around in a failed relationship. You're a success because you finished it. Honest.

Thanks x I just want to know why, why, WHY!??!!?? Hard to come to terms with not ever knowing.
BUT....... Hope he chokes.😀