FDA/FDR Meeting- What to expect

[Baffers100]

Hi All,

I have a FDA meeting next month with my eventual ex-husband, which may be used as a FDR meeting. I have no idea what to expect. We both have legal representation.

We've exchanged Form E's- I want to get out ASAP. The process is 2 years old come October and I just need space. I've been living in the spare room and the place feels like somewhere I am trapped. He wants things to stay as they are (because current mortgage with low rate negotiated a while ago is cheaper than current mortgages available and higher rates, and renting).

My solicitors are preparing the questionnaire, chronology etc.

Can anybody help on the below-

• Do we see each others questionnaires ahead of court so we can prepare?
• Do we decide what to ask of the respondent or will my solicitor?
• Do family sit with you/ near you?

Ex-husband seems to be pursuing spousal maintenance as my basic salary is around £20k higher than his (even though I've worked my socks off to recover my career post children, and he's had the same job for 14 years but that's my fault haha).

He's also mentioned wanting child support even though the plans are 50/50 maintenance and to be honest he's a borderline negligent parent (doesn't enforce bedtimes, the kids brushing their teeth, doesn't enforce washing eg faces aside from the odd shower, cooks pizza and buys fast food).

I earn around £85k gross more than my ex-wife and have been advised not to volunteer to pay spousal maintenance. Depending on where you both are on the income scale he's either eligible for benefits which cuts down the actual difference in net income or he earns enough to adjust without undue hardship. My wife's solicitor is still trying it on but my solicitor thinks this is a game being played for concessions elsewhere.

In my case I will be paying child maintenance for 3 children though, which along with commuting costs and joint debts wipes out any earning advantage I have over her.

I think what is likely to happen in your FDA/FDR is that you will come out of it happier than him!

I've never heard of spousal maintenance being given for a £20k pay difference. The courts will laugh at this I'd have thought. Also if shared care there will be no child maintenance as you said.

Have you seen his form E?

Yes I've seen his Form E. My basic is around £20k more but I work in sales so 'can' earn a lot in commission but it's not guaranteed income.

His Form E is diabolical. He's included a £25k debt repayment as something he needs to repay but there's no evidence of a little an or money being put in to a savings account. It's more his parents will cover his legal fees and he will pay them back but that's like me saying "well I might have £20k debt to pay back through the process too."

My pension pot is rubbish- £25k Vs his £120k teachers pension.

We both contributed the same to the mortgage but that's all he paid for. I picked up all costs from decorating and maintenance to the kids childminders and uniforms. He's largely been kept to be honest.

His mother also seems to be orchestrating things. They were talking about her buying me out so I can clear off and then said what's he's spending on legal fees will come off my settlement. Nevermind it's his lack of engagement in mediation which got us here.

Hes not looked in to benefits but because he earns sub £50k can get, I believe universal tax credit as well as a discount on council tax for single occupancy. Im not entitled to any benefits.

I just want a clean break. The divorce and mediation process has been lengthy and before engaging with this I had to think about how I got here which made me dig up some stuff mentally I'd rather have forgotten.

The whole thing is such a huge drain and worry.

Actually I stand corrected- basic salaries are £42,500 (him) and £68,550 (Me).

So no spousal maintenance.

Would 50%/50% on the home equity be enough for you to move on? I'd be tempted given your urgency that you accept 50/50 on the understanding you leave his pension alone because in theory you could make a claim for £50k of that.

You will see the each other question and you should be answering them before the meeting so your solicitor can answer there and then if needed. The judge will decide which questions to ask in court. Is your solicitor representing you in court?

Yea my solicitor is representing me. I feel a bit better knowing I'll have time to prep and won't have questions sprung on me.

Potentially? I want at least 50% equity from the house. I think that's my absolute bottom line.

I'm a bit concerned about child arrangements too to be honest. My youngest goes to the local primary in September and he's commented that I "can do" all the school runs. I work from home two days a week and the other three days commute just under an hour sinuses childminders in the am and my parents in the pm.

I think I'd settle for 50% and no pension if he understands he's responsible for child arrangements on his days. His mother had some grand plan that I'd do all school runsz pay for all childminders, see the kids every other weekend, pay for the mortgage and buy my own home on the side! Haha.

@Baffers100 Yeah, soon to be ex Mother in Laws tend to be worse to deal with than ex-spouses! Mine thinks I should go and move into a grotty shared house so that I can spend all my income paying my STBXW's mortgage (with no share of the equity at the end of it).

I guess I should count myself lucky I'm a man and that she only expects me to take on the "traditional breadwinner" role in divorce by heading off to bedsit land and becoming an ATM for the ex-wife. It sounds like yours wants you to take on the breadwinner role and the childcare role so her darling son can spend quality time on his arse!!!

My DP who had an Ex MIL who sounds like yours and PP's. He ended up settling before court the MIL said she would use all her money to ensure he didn't get 50% of anything including seeing the children. The whole thing still makes me angry. When I separated from my exH I believe I was very reasonable. We did 50/50 of everything we agreed it between ourselves and then randomly 18 months later he decided that he was still due more money. I'm still I'm debt 4 years later from having to pay solicitors to put him back in his box. And yes the solicitors fees cost more than the amount he was after but it became a principle issue.

Anyway I digress. Do let us know how you get on

My ex did not comply with the courts directive for disclosure. Also, they waited till I had submitted my Form E and copied most of my answers onto their Form E.

The FDR was a joke. Meant to be 1.5 hours, but ended up being less than 15 minutes.

Ex did not appear for the final hearing as they knew that as applicant they would be first in the chair to be questioned.

The judge ruled that the offer I had made before ex initiated the financial settlement process 18 months earlier was more than fair. So, they awarded that to ex less amounts for the unnecessary court costs. Ex ended up £35K worse off.

I would rather have given the £35K to the ex, but blinded by rage they could not work out that the more that was spent on legal fees, the less money would be left to split.

@FatfunandADHD I think in my situation court might become necessary if my STBXW does not drop the issue of spousal maintenance. The problem in my case is that she seems to be double counting in that she wants all of the non-pension assets AND a significant portion of my income.

In my case, as would probably get 70% of the assets anyway, so burning money on legal fees is quite "cheap" for me because if I agree to what she wants I will be left with nothing anyway. I feel like I should leave it to her to figure out that it is mostly her money she is burning through in pursuing her unrealistic demands.

Absolutely that!

I managed to speak to my solicitor yesterday who said that the difference in our base salaries is not enough of a justification for spousal maintenance.

He said courts tend to favor a clean break and will work thigs around this wherever possible and that spousal maintenance isn't about you having 'left-over' income and topping up your ex. If the settlement is fair and they can provide adequate housing for the children and cover living costs, then their needs are met.

I feel much better now about this court date.

Courts these days tend to push for clean break settlements. You have that on your side.

A clean break is the most desirable outcome. However, if there are insufficient assets to split it will not happen. Both parties will have to move on and adjust their lifestyles accordingly. Most likely downwards.