Holiday advice AIBU?

[Newdawnfreedom]

Hi everyone,

I'm looking for external opinions about summer holidays post separation. Long post - sorry!

Context - I've been separated for over 2.5 years. It was a toxic and controlling relationship but I have done a lot to heal and maintain a civil relationship to reduce conflict for the kids sake.
He hired a live in au pair after I left and started a relationship with her soon afterwards. That was very painful for me initially but I learned to focus on my own life and move on. I've learned to suck a lot of stuff up and say nothing. He's a classic narcissistic so I use yellow rock and that has served me well.

We have a 50/50 arrangement which I'm not really happy about but the kids love being with him and the advice I received was to stay out of court.

We've both been on holidays with the boys a couple of times and have provided travel consent letters to facilitate this. Shortly after the split I wrote to him via email to try and agree terms for this and other arrangements but he refused to commit to anything in writing saying it was ridiculous. I asked that we both afford each other around a week in the summer - somewhere in Europe and a few long weekends etc all to be agreed in advance of booking. This is still my preference and I think it's reasonable.

I recently discovered that he has told the kids he's taking them to Thailand for 2+ weeks in autumn. This is a trip we had planned as a family but never got around to it so I know it is designed to hurt/trigger me.

I don't care so much about the symbolism of it anymore but I do worry that it's just too much. My youngest is 8 and struggled a bit on the other holidays- he had an accident in a swimming pool on the first one that really frightened him. His dad did get him out quickly and I accept that these things do happen...but the thought of them being so far away for a longer period just doesn't sit well with me.

My ex is a chronic weed smoker and will be smoking on holidays for sure
His new partner is much younger and I believe their relationship can be volatile at times. She's also the kids minder and I do think she's nice to them but don't think she's massively invested in their care and wellbeing

So do I carry on sucking it up and let them go for the sake of keeping things civil? Or is my gut feeling right- it's too much and I need to put a boundary down.

I will do it all as nicely as possible and try to persuade rather than dictate etc. but I know from past experience that he will not back down easily.

Any advice is much appreciated

And to say it's not the case that I wasn't prepared or able to address the 50/50

I made a decision based on a careful assessment of the likely outcome and potential impacts. It took much soul searching and was extremely difficult.

It is not just or fair but we live in an imperfect system.

I agree with you about the system.

Unfortunately we have many, many children in England that live full time with one or two drug using parents. The system doesn't prevent any of the damage this does to young lives.

Working in education, one of my lowest points, during a curriculum pupil voice session was when an 8 year old told me that when he grows up he wants to be a drug dealer like his dad, because he has a £100,000 car and loads of cash to spend. What a truly, awful, normalised ambition eh?

And that is without the near neglect, lack of basic needs and safety these children endure. The system is broken.

@ArlaDae that's so depressing. Poor kid

Is it the fact that it is two weeks or that it is Thailand?

Thailand is a long way but it has western style healthcare and is much more safe and used to western tourists than some of the countries around it (Laos, Cambodia etc).

Drugs and prostitution can be a problem but if he wants to find drugs on holiday he won't have a problem finding them in Europe and I presume he's unlikely to try to find prostitutes if he is there with his girlfriend and kids,

There are plenty of family friendly resorts.

It's both tbh but more that it's 2 weeks. I absolutely love Thailand btw but it's the thought of them being so far away and me not being able to get to them quickly if something happened
And the availability of strong weed.

I know Thailand is family friendly and relatively safe.

I've thought about this a lot over the last few days and the posts really helped me to process. I think what I'm struggling with is the entire situation tbh and the holiday is just a symptom or a focal point.

I need to keep going with my strategy to focus on my own life, building a safe and happy home environment for myself and the kids. We moved into our own house last year. It's so lovely and the kids are starting to really settle here and make friends. There are so many positives to focus on.

I'm not going to get into a big conflict about the holiday as I realise it's pointless.