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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Please help

9 replies

rumpusboo · 13/05/2024 21:21

My husband has been financially, verbally, emotionally and occasionally physically abusive for a number of years and I need to leave him. We are both high earners, but he only pays the mortgage, ensuring that I solely pay for childcare, feeding and all that concerns the children. He earns more than double my income, so we are not entitled to any help with childcare or benefits. When I wanted to leave him a few years ago, he threatened to tell the police and social services that I have mental issues, so he can have full custody. Although I'm educated, I couldn't take any chances, as his friend did the same and got full custody of his kids. I have never had any mental health issues. He is aggressive towards me in the presence of my children and is always shouting at or around them and one of the reasons I've struggled to leave is that if he gains or shares custody, I will not be around all the time to protect the children from him. He has previously physically threatened my children, including one with SEN. We have a mortgage and I won't be about to keep the house, as I cannot afford it by myself. At the moment, I can't afford to rent locally, and moving my SEN child across the country to rent cheaply would significantly affect their mental health, as they are already struggling significantly. I am trying to gather evidence of his abuse and he is now constantly accusing me of recording him. To anyone looking from the outside, he's the perfect father and husband, and when I've tried to get help in the past, he has gaslighted me. We are joint owners of the property and we've been married for almost 20 years. He paid the deposit and pays the mortgage, he's always ensured all my income is spent on the kids, childcare and the home. I have a small loan and very little in savings. Please tell me how to leave him and protect my children.

OP posts:
cockadoodledandy · 13/05/2024 21:45

You need legal advice, OP. Please seek out a family lawyer (in secret) and get their advice.

PaintingPa · 13/05/2024 22:11

I am in a similar boat. Certainly with the fear of leaving meaning greater risk and harm to kids, and that I know he will be livid he will take the kids away if he can to punish and hurt me. Its a truly horrendous situation and you have my heartfelt sympathy. Not that it means much from some anonymous Internet user but know there are many women in similar situations and there are many solicitors and charities who have seen this countless times

Some things I do include - keeping a written record of all arguments, every cruel comment to a kid, every time he has failed to look after them. I have a hidden word file on my phone. I have a secret bank account that I save money into. I am reading every thread on this forum and the advice pages linked at the top of this forum to educate myself. The next time he is verbally abusive I am going to call 101 to record it. I have also spoken to my GP about it and also teachers- for support but also to have it on record. I am researching solicitors with good track records of dealing with manipulative men. Im reading books about the family courts to understand they work. I'm gathering all paperwork and doing my sums. And then I'm going to set up the spare room. Tell him it's over. And get ready for a rough couple of years. If he goes mental at me or the kids ill call the police. Every time he starts anything, I will call the police. And I'll use my savings on the solicitor and just grit my teeth.

I don't know if it will be enough but I'm prepping like it will be an actual fight!

I can't live like this forever. I just can't.

newhousenewhouse · 13/05/2024 22:17

Go see a solicitor for a free first hour

arethereanyleftatall · 13/05/2024 22:26

You get (at least) half of all the assets op, including the house regardless of who has paid what, because you're married. (He may be able to siphon off his deposit, but he rest is shared).

Newdawnfreedom · 13/05/2024 23:48

Sorry you're going through this. I know it's really overwhelming. you've been using every ounce your energy to protect yourself and your kids. Once you get out the other side you simply won't recognise yourself- I promise. You need to be brave take the leap (in a planned and structured way) you only get one life. Some tips
Get free legal advice
Contact the outreach service from your local women's shelter or national helpline for advice- this will be a game changer
Don't bother trying to gather proof or win any arguments. Use your energy to plan your escape instead
Look up the grey rock/ yellow rock technique ( Dr Ramani on YouTube)
Be kind to yourself and surround yourself with people you can trust
You got this Flowers

millymollymoomoo · 13/05/2024 23:53

You don’t get at least half the assets

you are entitled to a fair share of all joint assets irrespective of whose name they are in or who has paid.

a fair share could mean overall 50% or more or less. We don’t know but in a long marriage 50 50 will be the starting point

a solicitor can help you re the financials

re the children, you’ll need to get cafcass involved if you want to stop access else he will get it

rumpusboo · 24/07/2025 00:05

Just an update to say I called the police last week, as things escalated and he was removed from our home. He is already playing dirty, but I’ve done it now and even though things are tough right now, I know I’ve done the right thing for me and my kids.

OP posts:
iamnotalemon · 24/07/2025 00:16

Hope you’re ok OP x

rumpusboo · 24/07/2025 07:27

I’m okay, thank you. I’m just really scared about him retaliating and being even more financially abusive, but for the first time, we are not walking on eggshells around the house.

OP posts:
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