Where will I live?

[Tigerlily139]

I’m at the stage where I hate my husband so much I feel suicidal. He’s a cold, awful drunk.
he just screamed at me like a psychopath after I asked questions about a recipe measurement. He screams at me about anything and everything. He’s angry cos he’s not had a drink. We’ve been married 10 years but mortgage is only in his name due to me having bad credit years ago. I would leave him in a flash if I had somewhere to go. Our kids agree that he’s an awful man. My daughter would live with me but we are both on minimum wage, no houses to rent anywhere within our budget (believe me I look often) I feel so trapped that I often feel suicidal. My medical notes reflect his emotional abuse going back years. I have no deposit saved if I were to find somewhere, my parents don’t have room for me and my daughter (my son would probably move in with his girlfriend) we have no furniture we could take, he really will be vile once I choose to leave. I just need advice. Please don’t suggest council as hundreds of families are stuck in b&b’s due to shortage of housing. I just don’t know what to do.

Since you are married it doesn’t matter what name is on the mortgage. All individually owned assets are considered joint assets. When you divorce they will be split between based on need. However until then they belong to both of you and you have equal right to line in the property. But you have a choice between starting the process to end it now and live with him. Or just live with him with no end. You might as well start it.

Do you have any idea about what level of assets there are in the marriage.

For example what is the equity in the house and are there any pensions. Does he have any savings?

I was going to say the same thing. You are married so half of everything is yours and maybe more because your girl will stay with you go and get advice from solicitor they often do an hour free call them up and find out where you stand. Best wishes 💐

@ontheflighttosingapore @LemonTT thank you for your replies. There is £150.000 equity in the house, £8000 arrears as he hardly bothers to pay the mortgage. No pension, no savings because he’s an alcoholic. He has said previously it’s his house and I wouldn’t get a penny even though we’ve been together 30 years, married for 10 years and lived in the house for 22 years. He’s a nasty piece of work, with no friends due to his behaviour when drunk. I had always planned to leave him soon as the kids grew up but then the house prices and rents skyrocketed. If only I had have had the courage to leave when the kids were little I would have got help with benefits which isn’t ideal but now as my daughter is 24, I wouldn’t get any help (but wouldn’t expect to either) she has a minimum wage job as do I but we are going to have to put our wages together to forge some kind of life. My son just said to me, mum he’s an awful man and always has been. I’m grateful for my kids support but feel so guilty I’ve stayed with such an awful man due to financial entrapment. Money wise, we just will not cope but just to be away from him, you can’t put a price on that. I will seek legal advice but the period of trying to get him to sell the house, me looking for a place to rent and moving in is going to be truly awful and it’s thinking about this stage that always scares me into staying put. If I were to win the lottery, I would happily give him half to piss off and never have any contact with him again. Everything in my situation boils down to lack of money. I read a similar post titled “he hates my children” and her description of her husband could be my husband. Nitpicking about every single thing. We aren’t allowed to leave a single item unwashed in the sink, no crumbs anywhere etc. sometimes I’m running late for work and don’t have time to wash up and put away our breakfast bits and I panic all day that he may get rained off at work, come home early and find washing up in the sink but when he’s drunk, the whole house can go to hell with his OCD cleaning, he will leave dirty dishes in the sink and I’m thinking but you moan all the time about us doing this. There’s so so much I could write but in short I think he’s mentally deranged, our kids think that too. My husband hated his dad yet he’s turned out to be a carbon copy of him. He’s grumpy, unpleasant and verbally abusive. He makes me feel physically sick.

It doesn’t matter how f he eats you won’t get a penny, it’s what you’re entitled to.

I feel so sorry for you being stuck in this situation. You will feel so much better away from him. It’s no way to live.

You need much less than you think. My sister left her husband and bought everything she needed for her flat off Gumtree. Cost her a couple of hundred pounds to furnish it, and it was worth every penny for the peace of mind it gave her.

No words of advice op. He sounds truly awful. You aren't trapped. The first few years would be incredibly hard but you'd get there. Have you checked if you're eligible for universal credit both you and your daughter under separate claims? I'm sure you would be.

Also, go to Women's Aid. They were instrumental in providing information and signposting to funds etc. They provide support for mental abuse, not just physical. My sister has relocated and turned her life around in her 50s. She couldn't be happier and only wishes she had left sooner. I wish the same for you.

You guys have brought tears to my eyes with your kindness. I know it’s going to be hard but my life for years and years has been truly miserable leading me to bouts of severe depression which he credits himself with helping me get through!! I’m scared of his behaviour. He’s the sort that would smash the house up in rages (he has done a few times) thrown his tea at the walls a few times too in anger over really trivial things. I will contact women’s aid. I feel tonight I have reached a point of no return. We haven’t had sex in a good few years as I find him repulsive; who on earth wants to get in bed with a drunk. I have many secret recordings of his verbal abuse when drunk incase I ever need them in a court situation (he refuses to listen or watch the video recordings. He’s rude and miserable at family get togethers, giving sharp one word answers to any polite questions asked by my parents. His whole family are dead which baffles me why you would want to act like this with your own family. He thinks he’s a wonderful spire man!! Always boasting about how he gives money to the homeless and helps old ladies with their shopping bags etc. it seems he can only be kind to others but not us. My son says he comes so close to knocking him out, he talks to him like shit too. He’s constantly angry, needs alcohol to be nice but then has too much and can just turn on a dime into a monster. Sober, he’s never, ever nice. I just don’t know what I ever saw in him apart from the fact I have his children and had no way of supporting them myself (or so I believed at the time) sorry, I’m rambling on now. I think I need to speak to my doctor or a counsellor as I feel I just cannot live this life anymore xxx

I just wanted to come on and say I hope you find a way. It will be hard, but equally hugely liberating. Are your parents local? Could you and DD stay there for a bit, even if its sharing a room. Find a flat share or anything. Remember joy and happiness comes from within and there are hundreds of people currently living in less than ideal physical housing situations but they are free and happy.

I agree that speaking to someone to ascertain the extent of help you could get will be very helpful but please don't stay, go and have the adventures of finding your own happiness. You and your daughter could have so much fun building your lives back up after all this shit he's made you live through.

Dig deep and be brave.