I’ve been with my husband 15 years, since high school. Married 7. Have 2 children together. He has ADHD too. his parents divorced when he was 18, his mum left him for years and his dad kicked him out when he got a new gf. So his family life wasn’t great.
the relationship was great at first. But I feel he was trying to impress me so didn’t really show his true self.
there’s been a very slow progression of unacceptable behaviour over the years. Making comments towards me, like “are you stupid?” “Don’t be so thick” etc.
when I found out I was pregnant with our second child he threw the test at me in a fit of rage because he didn’t want another child. He didn’t attend appointments with me etc. after I gave birth he did bond with our son so he was a good dad etc from birth. Just didn’t support me in the pregnancy which was a red flag.
a couple of years ago he crashed the car. He fiddles with the radio etc and messes with his phone etc, looks out the window. I’ve told him a million times to pay attention when driving. He doesn’t think he’s done anything wrong so snaps at me when I tell him to stop. Thankfully the kids weren’t in the car!
the crash left me with a sprained shoulder and severe bruising to my chest and abdomen due to the impact. I have nerve damage to my chest now which is a chronic thing. he told me I better not claim compensation because his insurance will go up. So I didn’t.
I now have car anxiety. If he drives to close to the car in front, accelerates too hard etc I can sometimes judder. Instead of being understanding he yells “stop being so pathetic!” Or “everything is my fault yet again” etc. like I’m attacking him , even though I’m purely reacting due to anxiety and haven’t said a word.
if I bring up my feelings , he takes it as a personal attack, refuses to listen and lists all the things I do wrong, then blames me for his own behaviour. Or he’ll say “maybe you need a blood test, somethings clearly not right with you at the moment”
he followed me around the house telling me I’m pathetic, I’m the one in the wrong etc etc etc. when I tried walking away he followed me until I bust into tears from frustration. He then asked me if he should call an ambulance because I’m clearly mentally unstable and shouldn’t be caring for the kids. this was a huge turning point for me as it highlighted just how horrible he can be.
I split up with him, and he moved the slats from the bed so I’d fall through it, hid the remotes etc, took my phone charger etc. basically behaving very immaturely. And refused to get all his things. So he’d keep returning. He threatened to kill himself, saying he’s no proper family etc and I’m leaving him all alone and made it very difficult, it was really stressful. He showed up crying with flowers etc and I fell for it. I felt sorry for him. Because I care so much!
I noticed he’d made some positive changes, things were going well! We are very close when it’s good. He brings me chocolate etc, gets the bed made and does a hot water bottle etc if I’ve had a seizure (I have chronic illness) and looks after me. He complements me, cuddles me and tells me how much he loves me. He’s amazing and that’s why I love him so much. We can talk for hours laughing together etc. we went on dates and really worked on things. Which shows he can!!!! He just obviously chooses not to.
but recently he’s slipped. I wasn’t feeling well so I sorted the kids out and went to bed early. He kept coming in banging around looking for his charger etc. I said to him “please can you be quieter I’m not feeling great” and he yelled “I can’t do anything right with you can I!” And stormed out slamming the door.
he has very strong views and opinions, if anyone disagrees with him he gets flustered and goes on a tangent. He makes racist remarks (his dad was extremely racist) and when I tell him to stop it he says I’m causing problems for no reason and he’s right basically.
today he’s being nice again. So it’s difficult. But I was up last night taking some meds etc as I couldn’t sleep. And I thought about it all.
and yes he can be great! He’s my best friend! I care so much for him. But as a whole?
I don’t think I can keep going. It’s mostly stressful for me. I find myself walking on eggshells or overthinking what I’m about to say so I don’t trigger him. I keep my mouth shut when I’m feeling disrespected or anxious etc just to avoid an argument.
im so deflated. I feel like the relationship is sucking the life out of me.
I love him, I really do! So it’s really hard :/
basically I’ve noticed everything always has to be my fault, if I bring up a concern etc he makes it about himself and blames me , and yes I’m aware things he’s done is emotional abuse. I only recently figured that out.
but we have so many amazing memories together. He was my first boyfriend!! He’s a huge part of my life. but obviously I need to put myself first.
(and no the kids don’t see it, I’ve always timed it so the kids are at my mums when I bring up a concern etc as I know he won’t react well, but yes they do come first, and that’s a huge factor in this as I want them to understand how healthy relationships work and how they should expect to be treated etc, I also know they’re not stupid and must notice the tension /negative atmosphere he gives off sometimes)
I just feel really lost. I tried getting him help with his ADHD , but he won’t stick to anything.
he wastes money all the time! I constantly try to catch up. Which is frustrating because we’re always living paycheck to paycheck. Where as if he’d just stop with the pointless spending we’d be in a much better position.
I understand it’s difficult for him, but it’s still completely unacceptable. ADHD isn’t an excuse. I’ve been making excuses for him for years now.
yes he has trauma from his parents. But so do I!!! I didn’t even meet my dad until I was 18, my sister died of cancer etc, I’ve been through tons of stuff! But that’s not an excuse to be like that with people. Especially someone you love.
I think I just needed to vent. And have your opinions?
im currently putting bits of money away. As obviously I need money to leave.
I think it’s just become too much. I want peace. I want to live my life freely! , I feel like I spend so much time thinking about him or thinking “hmm I wonder what mood he’s in” etc. or doing things for him like he’s an overgrown child. Like finding him a pair of socks. Waking up at 5am because he’s lost his car keys and will be late for work. Thinking carefully before I speak etc. I’m so damn tired!!!
I feel like there’s a crackly tv on full volume in my head. And to turn it off means letting him go.
my heart hurts. But I know it’s the right thing to do.