How to cope while it is going on

[Beautifulruin]

Name changed for this as it might be outing. I’m in the middle of an acrimonious divorce. I’m trying to find somewhere to move to & to get agreement on arrangements for our child (6). Lawyers & mediators involved. But we haven’t told our child & all still living together which feels horrible. House hunting as fast as I can because my lawyer says then my moving date can be a sort of deadline for coming to firm agreement on child arrangements. But having bad luck with this so far. And STBXH is trying to do things “as a family”, keeping up a front for our child. Including booking holidays. I have said no to any more than day trips (which are bad enough). He is refusing to do separate holidays. Obviously a minor issue in the scheme of things but I am stressing about the summer & what to do if I am not out by then (which is unfortunately looking likely). What should I do? And how do others cope in this interim bit?

You have agency over your own life. You can choose to not go on holiday with him, he can't make you go. You don't need STBXH's permission or agreement for how to live your life going forward.

He can book whatever holiday he wants. If it ends up being money down the drain because nobody goes on it or because he books a place for you and you don't go, that's not your problem.

You also can book whatever holiday you like. I suggest somewhere in UK if you don't want him taking DC abroad, else you'll find yourself facing similar issues he does.

I don't know all the ins and outs of child protection laws. Does DC have a passport? If not, get one ASAP and keep it away from STBXH's access. Refuse to let DC be taken out of the country on holiday. He'll have to take you to court to be allowed to do so. You can argue that it's not in the best interests of DC, who doesn't yet know you're divorcing, so would be upset at your absence especially if you're primary caregiver.

Can also say you've got concerns about parental alienation if DC and STBXH spend a week alone on holiday. Unless you think he won't be telling DC it's mummy's fault they're upset because mummy didn't want to come on this nice holiday with them. In which case it's presumably safe to let them go on holiday together, unless you've some other concern about his parenting.

Personally I'd tell DC about the divorce sooner rather than later. I suspect STBXH is either expecting you to back down on divorcing so is refusing to acknowledge it properly. Or is wanting to leave telling DC until he no longer lives full time with DC, to avoid having to deal with DC's upset over it. Leaving STBXH free to launch straight into playing Disney Dad EOW and leaving you to deal with the fallout of the divorce and look like the bad guy for separating DC from their dad.

Do what is in DC best interests regardless of whether STBXH agrees or not. Co-parenting doesn't mean getting each others agreement on everything. When you live separately neither of you will have any control over how the other one parents DC. If you can be in agreement, that's great. But if, as I suspect, he's a controlling arse who always wants his own way -realistically, being in agreement isn't always going to happen.

Also, if STBXH is using DC to force you to share a bed or bedroom with him, in the name of keeping things normal for DC, just stop. You don't need to do that to yourself. Or put up with him controlling you that way. If you don't want to tell DC you're divorcing, tell DC you have a bad back and prefer to sleep on the sofa. DC is 6 and won't realise sofas are more uncomfortable than beds.

And what's the issue with househunting? Are you buying? Can you rent for 6 months to get some breathing space? There's houses for sale everywhere and you can always move again. If your priority is to get out then just pick somewhere already, so long as it's in budget what's the issue? Tell estate agents to prioritize telling you about ones with no/small chain, if you're ready to go now. Move further away. Buy a flat. Stop looking for a "forever home". Whatever it takes.

Thanks @Pineapples1234. Lots to think about. But if STBXH doesn’t want me to take our child away, & we are still living together, I can’t just go, can I? As well as the difficulties of walking out with him objecting & with a child in tow, couldn’t he say that as we don’t have an agreement in place, I am doing something wrong or illegal here?
I get that once we are separated & coparenting I can obviously do what I think best for our child on the days I have her, but before we have reached that agreement I can’t just vanish off can I?
i am not looking for a forever home, just for somewhere near enough school & it is proving hard, whether to rent or buy. But hopefully more is coming on the market now it’s spring.

But if STBXH doesn’t want me to take our child away, & we are still living together, I can’t just go, can I?

Yes you can and so can he. It's only a crime if you go abroad without the other's consent, or if you don't intend to return the child ie kidnap. If he knows it's a holiday (email with a read receipt so there's a paper trail) then he's the one wasting police time if he reports you for kidnap, and if you're in UK then you're not abroad. You're not breaking the terms of a court order for access because there isn't one.

At this point you could take the child away to live anywhere in UK (which is why I say just find somewhere you can afford, regardless of where) and not return them. He'd simply have to take you to court for access, then there'd be an access order and if one of you failed to return the child at the end of your alloted time, you're in breach of that and police can intervene.

If you can't afford to live near DC school then they'll have to move schools or have a longer journey time. Life isn't perfect.