Managing alone

[Pixie378]

Hi I am recently separated from my childrens dad. He walked out on us after I discovered that he was having another affair.

I am over the anger of it all and trying to be supportive for my kids as they didn't ask for any of this to happen.

He constantly misinterprets my texts to him and then starts an argument. I am trying to be reasonable around access to the kids but his shift work and kids schooling and after school stuff makes it difficult.
I asked that he hold off introducing his new partner to them as the relationship is very new and I feel very rushed - also my eldest is not coping well with it.

Has anyone got any coping techniques on doing this alone?. My oldest is struggling the most and thinks she is to blame for the split and I have told her no several times that she isn't. She is also very angry with him but instead of telling him, it's all directed at me.

I'm exhausted and stressed from having to manage all the changes and sorting out the finances. I really don't want my 3 children to get caught up in any of this and trying to keep things normal.

If anyone has any suggestions or can share some positive outcomes from this change please share TIA x

BTDT.

First of all, speak to school as their pastoral team may be able to help and support the kids. This might not sit well with you but mine benefitted from having a neutral third party to help them.

Him. He is likely reactive and might have her in his ear. Don’t worry so much about her, she’ll try to be perfect and there’s nothing you can do.

Calmly tell him in simple terms that while you work things out the kids are struggling and suggest a family planner and clear dates and times so everyone knows what to expect. If you are divorcing the courts will want a parenting plan in place and you can download on the internet. Don’t get them to call dad to tell him about xx that happened at school today. He and her might see that as a way to pretend the family is still together and If he reacts weirdly it harms your kids. Instead text him first and ask if they can call.

Be consistent with your kids and don’t speak badly about him. Acknowledge their feelings and hold space. Tell them you understand why they feel the way they do and it’s ok and ask if there is anything you can do to help.

Finances: get your shizz in order NOW and work out what you need WITHOUT HELP FROM HIM. Download the form from the internet for working out what you need for rent/house, bills, uniform, clubs, etc.
Most solicitors offer a half hour free consultation so use that to understand divorce and finances.
Take copies of all your married certificates, bills and statements and be aware of what he earns and has in assets.

if he’s not paying the mortgage be aware that the first thing the solicitors will tell him is that he doesn’t have to as he needs the funds to house himself. Sad but true. Many use this as a tactic to force a bad and quick divorce settlement but speak to your bank if you are in trouble.

The biggest change for a shift worker is having to adjust to a set schedule for seeing their kids but that’s on him.

PS - is he uniformed services? If so, his pension might need consideration as a straight forward cash evaluation is not appropriate.

Move to using a parenting app or shared calendar and cut down contact to avoid the aggressive responses. If your eldest is old enough then let them sort out their contact with dad direct and don’t get involved. It’s ok for it to be on her terms. It’s really normal for you to be getting the brunt of it. You are the parent that stayed and who is their safe space. He’s left. They feel that relationship is now fragile and could be lost so will scared and be on their best behaviour for him. It’s not fair but it’s understandable and means they trust you. They will appreciate you even if they don’t show it. It takes time but you will be a happy new family of 4 and probably be closer because this has happened to you. The kids should be able to access counselling / support at school or places like relate do young persons counselling. Try and find 1:1 time with each of them as they will have different reactions. Talk about people they know eg friends in school whose parents are separated. These kids will probably be doing fine and reassure them they will too in time. Do a financial audit using
Moneysavingexpert eg what can you switch or any subscriptions you can cancel. If you have any time for yourself find a sympathetic friend to offload on or a relaxing activity. Kids are really resilient and usually adapt faster than we do.

Thanks for replying
I have spent an hour with DWP sorting out childcare costs for universal credits today. It's a lot easier when someone explains it face to face.
I have managed to sort out most of the financial things, we rent and I have informed the landlord he has moved out so he will be removed from tenancy.
The school called today and have suggested some one to one sessions with my eldest, hopefully that will help.

I think further down the line we are going to need some mediation especially when he attempts to have them overnight, I can actually seeing it going badly for him as he has clearly forgotten how much work all 3 are when he has them for more than a few hours once a week.

I do try to speak to friends when I can, all have suggested I see a counsellor for the emotional abuse I received from him over the last 6 years.

Glad you are getting some help with everything. Seriously, you can do this, hang in there but don’t be afraid to ask for help. I’ve learned to fix and do most things in my house myself (with help from YouTube) but occasionally can’t and found myself literally on tinder contemplating dating electricians. I don’t recommend that approach 😂
it’s not easy being a single parent and you will be stuck with that ahole around until the kids are grown and flown but you will also find out wonderful new things about yourself, your kids will be fine, and you will meet new and wonderful people.

It's so exhausting I know (also in the middle of it) but please do look after yourself too. I am seeing a counsellor once a week and it is helping lots. I have a couple of friends who have been through the divorce process and they are priceless at the minute - because I can see where they are now, some time down the line, and I know I will be there too one day.

I had a really useful half hour with a solicitor for free advice but I am still arranging mediation because trust has gone for me (and also ex can be combative when he wants to be).

It's a pain in the arse of course that - as has been the case for 29 years - I am doing all the divorce admin but at least I know it will be done properly and over quicker!

You sound like you are doing brilliantly so far, getting so much in place for you and DC. You'll get through it

All great advice above. The only things that I would add are:

First:
Children should not be allowed to organise their own contact if they are young (before teens) OR when there is a lot of conflict between the parents, even social services advices against that as that would put your kids in a position where they will take the brunt of the parents’ anger and frustrations when they inevitable end up acting as messengers.

second one:
Do not create a Romeo and Juliet situation by insisting he doesn’t introduce NW to the kids.

The bottom line is that you have no right or control about what he does in his contact time. If you make a fuss about her, he will get protective of her, claim you want to ruin his relationship to get him back, which complicate things further with you and the kids by trying to show you you are no longer calling the shots… and that’s when they start using the word “alienation” and saying you are “blocking contact” which can back fire monumentally at court for you.

Reassure your children as much as possible that this conflict is not their fault, don’t badmouth the woman and just be there to support them as much as you can when they come back from contact.

I have found that sometimes, when you resist bad behaviour persist. He may not be asking for as much contact as he wants once he realises it takes more work and effort to care for the children over a few days than a quick visit to the park and McDonalds.

Things will balance out eventually and get calmer for all of you. In the meantime, don’t join in in a tug of war for the kids, don’t let him use them as pawns, try your best to be civil with the bastard as the sad reality of it is that if he chooses not to see the children much, or at all, there is nothing you can do about it.