Not married - how to separate well

millymollymoomoo · 07/05/2024 23:24

What do you mean do what’s fair?

it will just be the house equity to split if you’re joint owners (50:50) then child maintenance

caffelattetogo · 07/05/2024 23:25

What would you like from the split?

Aquamarine1029 · 07/05/2024 23:28

Sorry, but "fair" has nothing to do with it unless your soon to be ex-partner is willing to hand over his money to you, which I'll bet my house he won't be. He might seem amicable now, but that will most definitely change. You are only entitled to half the value of the home, if you own it along with him.

Allthegoodnamesaregone1 · 07/05/2024 23:32

Mumwiththingstodo · 07/05/2024 23:19

Just that. I'm in the situation of not being married which I know puts me at a disadvantage as OH is the high earner, big pension pot, paid way more into the mortgage etc. However, it's my choice to separate and I am wanting to do this as amicably as possible for our children's sake.

I don't think he wants to be an ahole about things as he loves the kids and can agree that we should separate for our own happiness - he has made sone pretty big mistakes on our relationship so don't think he's keen on any kind of mud slinging. However, I find myself treading carefully because he holds all the financial cards.

Has anyone been through this and come out the other side financially intact? I want to avoid solicitors, and want to do what's fair, but also not undercut myself. (Please no lectures about not being married - due to traumatic childhood I chose not to marry).

What do you mean bu avoid solicitors?

How do you own the house?
Presumably it's 50/50 with all his money being his and yours being yours.

Unfortunately anything more than that is through his kindness and no solicitor can do anything more than that.

Original poster

Mumwiththingstodo · 07/05/2024 23:32

Yes, we own the house joint names, so that's not what I mean. As I the one chosing to leave, I actually feel like I can't ask for 50/50 and he paid more over the years than I did (not that it matters as joint owners) I just want to take enough to get my own place. Wondering if anyone had any amicable stories where they actually separated better by the instigator not being financially demanding.

OP posts:

Aquamarine1029 · 07/05/2024 23:34

Mumwiththingstodo · 07/05/2024 23:32

Yes, we own the house joint names, so that's not what I mean. As I the one chosing to leave, I actually feel like I can't ask for 50/50 and he paid more over the years than I did (not that it matters as joint owners) I just want to take enough to get my own place. Wondering if anyone had any amicable stories where they actually separated better by the instigator not being financially demanding.

Why would you sell yourself short? You own half of the value of the home, period, end of discussion. I'm sure your domestic contributions more than made up for the financial ones he's made.

Allthegoodnamesaregone1 · 07/05/2024 23:35

Mumwiththingstodo · 07/05/2024 23:32

Yes, we own the house joint names, so that's not what I mean. As I the one chosing to leave, I actually feel like I can't ask for 50/50 and he paid more over the years than I did (not that it matters as joint owners) I just want to take enough to get my own place. Wondering if anyone had any amicable stories where they actually separated better by the instigator not being financially demanding.

Don't be a martyr.
Of you're entitled to 50% take it.
Your the lesser earner and need to support yourself and your children

Original poster

Mumwiththingstodo · 07/05/2024 23:35

Yes, I know we'll need a solicitor the sell the house. I meant I don't want to fight/go for anything else.

OP posts:

Aquamarine1029 · 07/05/2024 23:36

Don't be a martyr.

Exactly, and don't be daft on top of it.

Windmill34 · 07/05/2024 23:36

Just ask him what he thinks is fair for you & the kids , that way it will give you a figure to start negotiating

Original poster

Mumwiththingstodo · 07/05/2024 23:37

That's good advice, hadn't seen it as martyrdom! Definitely don't want to be that, just wanting to avoid the whole 'she took half the house' whine but perhaps I need to care less what others think.

OP posts:

Aquamarine1029 · 07/05/2024 23:37

Windmill34 · 07/05/2024 23:36

Just ask him what he thinks is fair for you & the kids , that way it will give you a figure to start negotiating

Why would she negotiate? She gets half. Negotiations over.

Aquamarine1029 · 07/05/2024 23:38

Mumwiththingstodo · 07/05/2024 23:37

That's good advice, hadn't seen it as martyrdom! Definitely don't want to be that, just wanting to avoid the whole 'she took half the house' whine but perhaps I need to care less what others think.

Who the fuck are these other, completely irrelevant, people? Who cares what anyone else thinks? Good grief, op. You aren't "taking" anything.

Mountainormolehills · 07/05/2024 23:39

I contributed more than my ex in terms of money, childcare, household jobs etc and I still went for a 50/50 split when we separated, you were a partnership so that’s that

Original poster

Mumwiththingstodo · 07/05/2024 23:46

Thanks Aquamarine. This is where I can see my own childhood issues coming out - it's very hard for me to not worry about being seen as 'that money grabbing' woman. I am so desperate not to hurt my children in this process that I don't want to forget to look out for myself.

OP posts:

Ponderingwindow · 07/05/2024 23:47

You took time out of your career to have his children. Fair isn’t just about who contributed more money to the house.

millymollymoomoo · 08/05/2024 07:14

Where does op say that?