Telling the kids

[Catsruledogsdroolokay]

I caught Ex having an affair
He moved out and we told the kids that we both decided we needed some time apart
We’ve now filed for divorce
I want to tell the kids (cos I want to tell other people & don’t want them to hear it 2nd hand)
Am struggling over how much information to give them
They are 11 and 8 and very smart.
We were not arguing & it was all abit of a shock to find out what he’s been up to. So the kids are naturally quite confused and have asked me (not him weirdly) a lot of questions about why we’re living apart.
i want them to know that when someone doesn’t treat you right you put up boundaries. But will they really understand what he’s done?

Should I tell them ‘the truth’ and if I do how should I phrase it?

My son is 14 and still doesn't know the actual reason, nor do I intend to tell him until he's an adult. It is another thing for him to have to process, and I'm comfortable with the narrative of "we grew apart", even if it isn't 100% true at the moment.

It's allowed him to develop a relationship independently with his dad, untarnished by our history, and maybe when he's old enough I'll fill in the blanks.

My ex made a stupid mistake that cost him his marriage, but in my opinion shouldn't cost him the relationship with his ds.

Other people haven't told my son as far as I know- I mean, how would they raise that in conversation?

@Catsruledogsdroolokay

I was in the same situation, thought I was happily married, husband had an affair. Our children were 11 and 15. We had to tell our children the truth as they'd have found out due to the circumstances.

Mine and my eldest daughter's counsellors both advised that the truth given in age appropriate way is always best. I didn't see why I should have to lie and cover for their dad, I also want them to know that you don't put up with anyone treating you like shit.

We haven't told teenage DC yet because of exams, but when we do he will tell them an age appropriate truth about his affair. For same reason as PP, I am not going to lie to them and DD's counsellor gave me same advice

It's a tricky one. My DH left his last relationship due to her consistently cheating and regularly assaulting him. He chose not to tell his son who was 13 at the time the truth which backfired as his ex told him a whole pack of lies and made DH out to be the bad one. It all came out on an argument one day because DSS wasn't doing anything DH asked and DSS told him it's because he hates him for what he did to his mum. Which then lead to DH asking what he thinks he did and of course DH had to tell him the truth then. It's only been in the last year, he's now 17, that the penny has dropped and he's realised his mum's told lies about a lot of things. It's a hard one to get right as like you say, you don't want it affect the relationship your son has with his dad. Telling my DSS the truth about the split didn't seem to affect his relationship with his mum. They don't have much of a relationship now but that was down to a lot of different things.

If your ex is still seeing the OW it might be pretty obvious, at least to the 11 yo. I would want to know the truth. And how weird would it be for them to guess, but you are telling them “oh we grew apart”? I’d find that a real mind-fcuk at any age, to be honest. I don’t think an 8 or 11 yo can be bamboozled by the “growing apart” fiction, when quite clearly you didn’t have a clue what your ex dh was up to and he was playing happy families at home. That explanation doesn’t make sense and won’t wash with a bright child.

So yes, I would tell them. But I wouldn’t tell them together. I’d tell the 11 yo first.

I would start with, “you know that your dad loves you, and I love you and that never changes because we are your mum and dad - that’s a special thing, that can’t ever be broken. But when two grown ups love each other and decide to get married, it’s a bit different because they make a whole bunch of promises when they get married. And one of those promises is not to fall in love with any other grown ups… forever. Some promises can be really hard to keep can’t they! So even though your dad liked spending time with me, he broke his promise because he found another lady he wanted to spend time with as well. And that meant that our marriage promise was broken. So that’s why we ended the marriage and dad doesn’t live with us now and we got divorced. I will always love your dad because he is the reason I’ve got you and your brother/sister. And I’m really sad that he broke his promise, and I will feel sad for a long time. But sometimes these things happen, and I will make sure you and your brother/sister and me have the best life even though dad isn’t with us all the time. And your dad will still see you loads and he will always be your dad who loves you.

My ex financially and emotionally abused me, had 2 emotional affairs and has gaslit me. She denies a physical affair despite being caught in the act.
My children are pre teens, I have told them nothing. They know I don’t like the affair partner who lives nearby, but not why.
I know that if I said something my ex would turn it on me, so I have just left it alone and work hard to be the best parent I can be.
Her behaviour is controlling and selfish, I see the mistakes she is making but I feel that it is best and most peaceful for me to let her hoist herself by her own petard.

Nope- you want to tell them so they blame him, natural and understand but don’t do it. It’s their dad, your relationship issues aren’t theirs.

Where did the OP say that?

There’s no benefit to her telling them.

Your opinion - there are others - but still doesn't explain how you know with such certainty her intention.

So we’re telling them tomorrow about the divorce
He is point blank refusing to tell them why
Says I can do it if I really want to but he’s not doing it

So thoughtful!

I will be honest and say there is part of me that wants them to know it is his fault that all our lives have changed
I want to be able to discuss it honestly with other adults without fear of the kids finding out
But mostly I just don’t feel comfortable lying to them. If they found out the truth from someone else then it will affect how they trust me.