Stag do

[Linda42]

I’m hoping for some advice.
my husband of 15 years will be attending a stag holiday in August. His 47 and will be going with some friends that are a few friends that are a fair bit younger.

the issue is that he has not always been honest and I have found him to be on social media some years ago talking to other women.

I do feel that going on a stag holiday is too young. He drinks too much as it is and I think him going is disrespectful to our relationship. He will be going to strip bars and I think that sort of behaviour is low and tacky.

please give me some advice. Would you mind your husband going?

I think you have bigger problems than the stag do to be honest.
It sounds like you don’t trust him - what was the nature of the conversations he was having with other women? DH has female friends on SM and it doesn’t bother me.
Does he drink too much on a normal day or just when he is out?

Oh and 47 is not old!

On a purely personal basis I would not want to be in relationship with someone who thinks going to strip bars/ strip clubs is acceptable behaviour. I don't care whether it's a " stag do" or not. I don't understand how some women give their partners a free pass to behave in a misogynistic unacceptable way just because it is a " stag do" . How does celebrating someone's up and coming marriage gel with behaving in such a disrespectful way to women?

So in answer to your question I would mind my husband going on this trip to the extent that if I discussed my feelings with him and he still decided to go then my relationship with him would be over. He would not be the type of person I would want to be in a relationship with.

In your case you sound as though you have good reasons for not trusting your DH, even when not on a stag do.
I think you should think about your boundaries and have a discussion with him. Tell him your feelings. And if he doesn't care about your feelings and your boundaries you should be prepared to consider your relationship with him.

I am man who was married I wouldn't even consider going

I really appreciate all of your advice, I do really need it.

The past stag do he went to he told me that it was really quiet and that it was just quiet drinks with his friends, it was a joint stag and hen and I saw a video on social media of everyone taking their clothes off and jumping in the pool. He was clothed at the point when the video was taken.

The social media contact was him opening an Instagram and adding loads of women, some with little clothing, and I found a mid flirtatious message. If the women had flirted back it would have been something.

I feel that I have been 100% loyal and respectful throughout but I do not and will not accept a middle age man watching a women take her clothes off. He told me he won’t be going to them but he told me before that he attended a quiet stag do and it clearly wasn’t.

He drinks weekly and when he drinks it’s a lot. I don’t drink so he thinks I’m extreme with my views on how much is acceptable. He will have 8-12 pints and I think that’s a lot.

The issue is that he has lied and maybe small lies but if he feels to lie about these so called small stuff what else is he lying about.

I take not one thing off him and am fully independent, I ask for two things, respect and for him not to embarrass me and for him to be honest. I feel he isn’t able to do this.

Are they close friends and how much younger. If he is just using this as an excuse to piss off away on a piss up and not really close to the groom then no. Or if it impacts your holiday and life. If it was me then I would not be happy with him going if I knew he had no control over himself.
I am older but shocked that a hen night/stag do has now turned into week trip abroad. Not fair as too expensive and also the wedding cost. Not everyone can afford it.

I just read your update OP.
Yes there should be respect and honesty in a relationship. A relationship isn't a healthy one without these. And also trust: a relationship is really over once there is no trust.
I agree with you that is a lot of alcohol.
You sound as though you are clear in your head about your boundaries.

They are close friends yes, he has explained he won’t be attending any strip bars or places like this but he has been found out to not tell the truth to me.

he does this thing everytime to express my feelings he tells me I’m over reacting and that I’m being crazy, it’s an easy way for me to drop the subject.

I have found other people options and advice very interesting as I believe I started to feel unreasonable to even question his behaviour.

So he is using the old you are insecure thing and pushing it all on you so you feel like the crazy one. I would not be happy with him going as his past behavior and his drinking is a worry. Can you sit down and talk to him about it all but as you said in the past he lied. Maybe I am old fashioned and not a cool wife but I would not like my partner going to a strip club either and naked women giving him a lap dance, just sleazy and you hear so many stories of how the groom to be has one last hooray, so disrespectful to their future wives.
You have to ask yourself can you live with it if he goes and he will probably lie or will you lose respect for him.
Also do you get to jet off away from it all for a few days going to see male dancers with it all hanging out, ask him that and see what he says.
Besides this is your marriage happy and do you both communicate well. Think about those things and are you happy to be with this man for the rest of your life without it doing your head in and losing your confidence.

Why would you stay with a man you can’t trust?

I Have spoken to him but he just comes out with “ I wouldn’t do anything to hurt you”. I think the fact he has lied in the past I don’t believe him.
it might sound silly to others but when he went on a boys holiday to the US, I don’t know what happened but he lied about going to hooters. He knows how I feel about women selling their bodies or being seen as a sexual object and he lied about it. It just makes me feel disappointed, I know he has visited strip clubs and the men his going with are those types of men and I think it’s disgusting.

he wouldn’t say anything if I went away or if I went to a male strip show but he also knows that I wouldn’t.

I don’t trust him, it’s the small lies previously and the fact that going on a weeks holiday for a Barcelona stag do is clear why they are all going there. Almost all the stag events involves women of some sort, steak and strip, strip boat parties, beer tasting with naked women. It’s disgusting, there is no way I believe his going and not taking part.
I am really upset, I just feel like 14 years has been wasted and all I got from sharing my worries was a crap “ I love you and wouldn’t do anything to hurt you”. He hasn’t spoken about it since and his acting like the conversation didn’t happen.

Of course he’s taking part. What goes on tour stays on tour. Most men don’t have the opportunity to hang out with other guys often and that’s why they go mental when they go away for these things. Hopefully he’ll just drink 10+ pints and be a wreck. The strip shows etc. are static and I wouldn’t worry about them as he’s not the stag and won’t be singled out for “participation”

There is no trust in your relationship and if you’ve found him setting up social media accounts to talk to other women then he’s a creep. He might not act on this and have affairs but he’s a creep.

I agree with what Nosyjosie has said he will be taking part.

we have argued this morning because he called me crazy for saying I felt I couldn’t trust me due to the lie he has told, he doesn’t give a reply apart from me being crazy.

I feel the fact he lied about his past stag dos and lies about not going to hooters and visiting strip bars is a really big issue, it’s the lying then blaming me for bringing it up. He thinks because the lies I’m referring too happened in the past they don’t count, the only reason I’m using these as an example is because I feel he lies so much I generally don’t know what’s a lie and what isn’t.

I do feel men that visit places where women are used and seen as sex and objects to pay for is disgraceful and I don’t want to be with a man that thinks this behaviour is acceptable.

I do feel this is now done for, I for the first time mean I’m not accepting lies and he isn’t changing so it appears it’s finished.
his so stubborn and feels it’s me who is the unreasonable one.

I cannot believe it’s come to this. I genuinely feel completely blindsided by all of this. I can’t be called crazy because I sit boundaries and emotions surely.

You’re not crazy. You’re entitled to your feelings and concerns and if his come back is that you’re crazy, he’s gaslighting you.

I don’t know where you go from here but the lack of respect and honesty is a problem.