How do you split co-parenting time?

[Sparklenote]

Just that really. Newly separated and becoming quite angry that I’ve been left with 100% of the childcare for our toddler whilst partner stays with a friend (he walked out on us).

What is a reasonable (in your opinion) split in terms of days? I will be pushing for him to take our toddler overnight once settled in a new place which I don’t think he will like. He’s more of a ‘babysit around my new life’ type person. However, I will still push for this and wondering what others have agreed on?

I have seen every other weekend come up a lot, but then doesn’t that leave one parent with the vast majority of childcare?

We do almost 50/50. Dd is with me Monday -Wednesday every week and then every other friday-sunday. But we are flexible so sometimes I have more sometimes he does.

We had an amicable split though, no one else involved etc. It had been on the cards for years.

This is great with an older child. But it sounds a bit much for a toddler. Especially as the dad seems unwilling.

OP, have you gone to CMS yet? Sometimes that clarifies the parenting as well.

We have done it since she was very young due to ex's work pattern originally so was a different schedule.

Ex being disinterested will be an issue however old the child is

@ThisBlueCrab this sounds like a really equal split and that’s it working well for you. I hadn’t thought of doing it this way.

@MrsTerryPratchett I will have a look on CMS, thank you.

@Sparklenote it works great for us, but that doesn't mean it would work for anyone else. Ex was a prick to me but he has always been hands on as a dad in terms of nappies/feeding etc when she was a baby. His shifts meant she only ever saw him for 4 days and then he would work 12 out night shifts for 4 days so with commute and sleep she didn't see him so it was a natural pattern she was used to

As she got older it stopped being practical and we looked at options.

Only you know what will work best for you, based on work/involvement of dad thus far etc.

If it was to go to a custody hearing their starting point would be 50/50 in most (but not all) cases. So I would start there.there are numerous ways to do it, a friend of mine foes 1 week on 1 week off. Another friend has her kids Monday to Friday and ex has them Friday to Monday. She is a nurse so she works long days/nights at weekends so she can be home for school stuff and holidays etc.

Ultimately if your ex is set on being a dick then you can't force him to have your dc overnight. But do yourself a massive favour and make sure all communications are carried out in written format. If he takes it to court you need to prove that you have always made dc available for contact, have offered reasonable amounts etc etc.

Just because he walked out, do not think for a second that once cms come knocking he won't stoop to any levels to not pay or make your life harder. I got lucky but have seen it happen here and in RL.

For my toddler 1 day was actually enough from 9 to 4. We tired 2 days a week but it stressed both my wee one and my ex. My wee one wouldn't sleep for him and he kept on for his mummy. After the 2 days he would come home unsettled and my ex agreed it didn't work out. My child's older now and trusts his father more and I think because his father didn't force the time on him it created more of a trust (I was lucky though, there are some crazy people that don't seem to realise the child needs his mother, the importance of that first secure relationship which will help them form relationships throughout their life) . Our child is 9 now and will pick which day of the weekend he wants to go see his dad, video calls him. His dad moved on and met someone else and most of the time my wee one just goes to spend time with his granny (which was a hard pill to swallow as I don't like her) but his father does come down often and stay too although he has other children now. The best thing I think is to take it at the child's pace, if you force the contact it could destroy the relationship between the child and father. But if trust is built it will naturally grow
I know a friend of mine who has been in a simular situation and the father was not happy with the contact and took it to court and got extra time and overnights. After the childs 4th birthday he refused to see the father. He's 11 now and recently told his mum he used to beg to get home or call her and his father wouldn't let him so he refused to go. It caused a lot of trauma from this young boy
I've recently met someone who is older than me but he split up with his wife when his little one was 4 years old, his wee boy wouldn't stay with his dad until he was 7 years old for an overnight ( and I know this is true because his daughters and son laugh about it now) and when he did it as for 1 night a month.
I know it would be lovely to have a night away sometimes but it will come naturally and a night a week is a huge deal for a toddler and could have an impact on your wee ones development. I've never seen 50 50 work out well in the long run and both me and my ex were accepting of that. These are children not pass the parcel. From my understanding the courts see the importance for the child's stability and don't rule in favour of overnights unless both parents agree to it and never agree to 50n50 unless the mother agrees to it (so make sure you never agree to anything unless you see informed) but for sure your ex needs to sort out living arrangements and ensure your wee one has a room of his own. This is only my experiences and that of some friends but each child is different and if you really need a break maybe trail stuff for a while and so how your wee ones feels. Toddlers can be very accepting of change however in my past experience change can be hugely disruptive

I would have liked 50/50 but my ex chose not to see them instead. Can't force someone to be a parent.