Should I agree to mediation?

[PepforPM]

NC because of consequences if I don’t.\

Mostly, DC11’s father is not interested in what DC is up to (he doesn’t have shared care and rarely gets in touch). However very occasionally, he will express strong views to me on one or two issues. I am expected to comply with whatever he says. If I agree with him, no problem. If I push back, he will be very aggressive and rude - he interrupts me constantly, totally untrue/defamatory things, swears and shouts on the phone, hangs up on me etc, then the aggression will switch to hours of very long shouty and ranty WhatsApp messages. He says this is justified because of my behaviour (fundamentally he thinks DC11 should not have been born and it has ruined his life).

I mainly deal with him by getting on with my life and doing my best for DC, and minimising contact. Life is tough enough when you are an SP, without having a super critical highly aggressive backseat driver.

However, one of those issues has come up and we do not agree. It’s not an easy one for me to give in on (for financial reasons as well as concern about DC).

He has threatened litigation but you can’t litigate without trying mediation. I have provisionally agreed to mediation but I just don’t know if it is worth it. I think he is a bully, he gets a kick out of aggression, and his main goal is being in control and “winning”. However, he is very skilful at hiding all that in front of people he wants to impress. He says totally untrue things in a very reasonable voice, and then I either have to react (in which case I sound argumentative and/or emotional) or say nothing (in which case I sound like I accept what he is saying).

Does anyone have any advice about whether I should agree to mediation ? How does it work in situations like this??

Mediation isn't great with abusive people, which is what he is. I have to go to Court with a lot of people like him. Factual, fake 'empathy', and lots of paperwork is my solution.

When he says something untrue (it's a skill to do this) a Shit Sandwich often works, "I feel for ex but [insert truth] is my recollection. I'm sorry that he feels this wasn't the case". Makes you look nice, but factual and firm. Practice a load of them:

"I'm surprised because X happened."
"[Mediator's name] I believe that Y was the case."
"I know this is hard for ex. However, Z."
"Ex has asserted this but DChild feels differently. It's unfortunate everyone doesn't agree but DChild's need is this."

Calm, measured voice. Ask for time to look at your paperwork. Breathe. Don't let him rattle you. Let the mediator/judge jump in if he starts to get mean. Keep all your paperwork and submit it.

I'm so sorry you have to go through this.

You will both have an independent MAIM a meeting to discuss mediation.
If the mediation company feels it won't work, they will provide the relevant paperwork for the court. Just because you agreed, the company can say no still. It is however significantly cheaper than the bouncing of offers and court cases

What happens on a MIAM @Iworkmiricles ?

When you have your first meeting with the mediator (alone), I would explain all of this. Mediation is not advised with people like this as it will fail. I've been there myself. I tried very hard to make it work but ex was a total nightmare. What is it he wants you to agree to? It sounds more like a method of control.

I did mediation with an ex like this. Going back for more soon on a different issue. Id say firstly don't do normal mediation, being in the same room with him was horrid. Shuttle mediation where you're in different rooms might work. It worked ok with my abusive ex, but i think mostly because he didn't want to spend any more money. Does he actually see DC at all? If he doesn't and you have the money Id be speaking to a solicitor and seeing if there's some way through the courts to legally reduce the say he can have on decisions in relation to DC. Not talking about removing PR, but if there's some way to say decisions in certain areas are yours to make.
Doesn't seem right an absent parent can do this.

@EliflurtleAndTheInfiniteMadness

I think it’s going to be over Zoom. So at least I won’t have to be in the same room. We did that 11 years ago when I was 8.5 months pregnant and 4 weeks post partum and it was very uncomfortable.

He does see DC but not often. Never in term time, a few weeks in the holidays. When DC was younger and needed more hands-on care, it was even less - and usually I would to have to accompany (like a kind of nanny), which I hated.

I Have one of these Ex's! I am not a lawyer so the following is my opinion only. You can either refuse mediation by explaining the abuse during your miam. He then has the choice to take you to court. (Or you have the choice to go to court for a specific issue order around this decision). Or if you want to go ahead I would do shuttle mediation only. If you are the resident parent and have been the court is very unlikely to consider the views of an absent parent above yours.