Struggling to find the courage to leave my husband

[jumpinjelly]

I’m ready to call it a day on my marriage. I’ve been ready for years. We’ve been together 26 years married 18 years. Our 2 sons are now 21 and 17 still live at home and love family life - I hide how I feel very well as I’ve done it for years.
I’ve told husband several times over the years I wasn’t happy and wanted to leave, we always bumbled through, then finally after another conversation instigated by me, we separated in March 2022 (I stayed living in the house), but Christmas arrived as it does and he’d really really stepped up, plus i honestly didn’t want to break my family up so we gave it one final go - Christmas can be like that. I knew pretty much within months of 2023 starting i really didn’t want to stay together even with this new thoughtful caring husband who finally realised what he had, but i haven’t had the stomach to say those words that will destroy him again
wen we separated in 2022 he lost weight, he stopped sleeping bits of his hair and the skin on his face in patches turned white it was horrendous
I lived in the same house because i had nowhere else to go and as with now can’t stomach walking out of my home or walking out on my children- I might want to separate from my husband but leaving this home and my boys isn’t something I can get my head around
I’ve been tweaking my career this year in preparation really so the day I do find the courage to for the last time tell him I don’t want our marriage, I can at least afford a nice home that the boys will have a bedroom each in although that won’t ever b home to them, this house we live in now is home to them, we’ve lived here almost 20 years
These things make it so incredibly difficult to have this conversation with my husband - it is over, we tried and tried and tried relationship stuff for me died several years ago and never returned even though he finally changed after over 20 years but it’s been too late I left emotionally years ago.
I loved it when we separated in 2022 I thrived when i wasn’t near him, but being around him when he was living through hell as he didn’t want this has stopped me being brave enough to tell him again
It’s absolutely heartbreaking to see his face crushed
But I’m slowly dying inside, i don’t go anywhere aside from work or the gym, I have lost my spark, he wants to do things together i have to force myself, sex, i enjoy sex, I love passion and touch but I’ve been forcing myself once a month to do it so he doesn’t ask questions and it’s awful- I get horrible feelings during it and I feel horrible for my husband
All because I’m too gutless to be honest
My boys and this house r my life
I love my husband but just not in a relationship way, I want to find someone else one day but I want more than anything to find me again mostly as in this relationship I’ve let myself and my needs be second- which as a mum I’d always do, but I need to put myself first
How the hell do I find the bravery to end my marriage it’s what I truly want but I care and hate the thought of all the pain it’s going to cause
It will take several months to find a place of my own and it’s just awful
Any advice would be appreciated - anyone’s husband get white hair and skin patches from the trauma of it??
I’m 49 yes I’m going through peri but this is nothing to do with that, that’s just for information
My husband is 47

You need to recognise his pain is not your problem. Bluntly. Stop feeling responsible for it. He doesn't feel responsibility for guilting you into staying with him, despite your misery. So stop feeling that him and his feelings are your responsibility.

Instead, start believing that you matter and your life matters. Its absurd that you think you can't put yourself first.

I think it might be better to just go. It sounds as though being stuck in limbo is not working for either of you.

I know it's hard and I'm quite traditional... but the marriage vows are for better and worse until death do you part. Have you gone to marriage counselling together? He sounds like he really wants to be with you so maybe he'd really try something new. Why did you thrive on your own? What about being away from him was better for you?

I'm sorry for your struggle though of course, marriage isn't easy and you've been unhappy for so long x

So OP should just stay in a relationship that makes her deeply unhappy? Force herself to have sex with him?

This makes me want you to put yourself first more than anything else: "I'm slowly dying inside".

How is this right and how many years are you willing to not live?

If you only have a year left anyway (none of us know!), wouldn't you want to actually live it?

Why can't you stay in the house if you divorce? Could you afford to buy him out of it?

You need to be selfish for once. You've been putting him and your children first for years, now it's your turn. Yes, it is hard, but hold onto the thought of how happy to will be without him, and how many years you hopefully have left to live your life.

And stop having sex with him if you don't want to. Plenty of relationships survive with no sex, and if he doesn't like it, maybe he'll divorce you. Win win!

@k4ab25c

When did I say force herself to have sex? You jumped to that bizarre conclusion. I talked about marriage counselling.

I just wanted to say OP I wholeheartedly know what you’re going through and my guess is many others reading will too - you’ve given me a tiny bit more courage in my situation and I want to wish you the same - whatever you decide to do

Delicious new start, before you are even 50! Brilliant.

Get the ball moving and find a lovely new home. Sell the family home and split it.

Your boys will be off very soon.

Hi… i think this reply is for me. So I’ve decided next Thursday I’m going to tell him our time as a couple is over. I’m actually going to text him through the day and I’m away 2 nights so he can have space. I can’t do it to his face, and i think he knows it’s coming i think he’s unhappy because our relationship is terrible we don’t do anything as a couple and it’s all very superficial but I will do it. I’ve decided im going to get a 2 bedroom house to rent as our house is paid off in 5 years and I will feel better if husband stays in the house and the boys can jump between the 2 as they want. They r almost both adults and youngest is learning to drive so he’ll have a car too. Once this horrendous bit is over I feel it will be ok. He knows deep down but we both love our family and it’s hard to let it go even though it’s the right thing to do

i am excited to have my own house when I stop feeling frightened and i know when he meets someone he will realise how not okay we’ve been
there will always b love and care and we will always be family one day grandparents and great grandparents
life doesn’t always work the way you hope

my anxiety is terrible and it will be until next week I pray I find the strength to do this because we both need to allow ourselves to b set free

i I cannot be the partner he wants me to b towards him and he cannot give me what i need either. It’s sad but there we are

I totally get that you're not happy and need to leave - but ending a marriage via text?? If I'm honest that's pretty sad.. 😞

Gosh I would feel awful if someone ended a marriage with me via a text message. I understand this is very difficult for you but surely he deserves to be told in person?

We split up twice in 2022 and got back together
last year i tried again but the pain in his face and I immediately go back on it so i don’t hurt him
this is why i can’t do it to his face
we’ve been together 26 and he will understand my reasons when i message him why
i do expect anyone else to understand
i just can’t have feelings of guilt and sadness stopping me and i just can’t go through telling him to his face again
Judge away I just can’t face it and if that makes me a bad person so be it

It doesn[t make you a bad person.
I emailed. It is in black and white. Keep it factual and emotionless.

Texting is fine due to the circumstances you are facing. Congratulations on putting your sanity first!

Exactly.

I’m about to talk to my husband about how i feel
i feel absolutely sick to my stomach

I hope it went ok

I was with someone 25 years.... different circumstances but they always try when they know its past repair.. why do men do that?!. Kill your emotions with their actions and behaviour then expect you to take them back because they show a little bit of what they SHOULD have done anyway. Im projecting..but go OP. i am happier.

I just wondered how you got on and how things are - hopefully you’re are in a better situation

I'm in a very similar situation and just reading this where are you at now, are you still together xx