AIBU - in wanting a divorce for reasons below?

[newmumma2000]

I have been with my husband eight years and married for nearly two.

Long story short, here are my reasons for wanting a divorce:

-tells me that buying me flowers every week is an inconvenience

• started a new job three weeks after a new baby, which has severely affected my mental health. He won't change the job or ask for any flexibility to help support me with the baby at home.
• his family do not help regularly, only occasionally.
• he has no interest in exercising, eating healthy, wanting to improve himself. He is borderline obese and I cook healthy meals, encourage him to exercise but he isn't interested. There is a family history if early dealth on his side due to diabetes, heart disease etc and his weight makes him more likely to suffer the same fate. I come from a place of worry but he doesn't see it.
• he has not tried to have sex with me since having the baby. Before baby, we were quite adventurous, but body confidence issues have meant that I don't want to take my clothes off in front of him and he doesn't do anything to help support me with the issues I have. Friends were round and they mentioned us having in the same room as them but I don't want to and he won't stop going on about it.
• He doesn't think it is his responsibility to get our baby to nursery to enable me back to my career and I have now had to find a job to ensure I can meet our baby's basic needs during the week.

There are many, many more examples. I have told him all this and he won't do anything about it, even though he acknowledges that it's something he needs to work on. He can't even plan a date night and is far from the man I married.

What would do/how would you feel if you were me?

I feel at my wits end and I'm not sure if I'm in love anymore.

What are you buying him weekly with your flower expectations?
You seem to really dislike him (to be v mumsnetty!)

Your expectations are far too high. He works to support your family unit, weekly flowers is ridiculous and his family aren't obligated to care for your child.

Have to agree with the comments regarding the weekly flowers being a high expectation … I’ve been married twice for 12 years each and neither of them bought be flowers ever 😂

New baby, less sex etc is normal.

It doesn’t sound like there’s anything insurmountable going on here … just normal marital niggles. Stay patient and communicate, obviously that takes two though.

Good luck.

It doesn’t matter whether your reasons seem reasonable to anyone else - you’re allowed to decide that you want a divorce.

How old is your baby? It sounds like still quite young - if so, it’s worth remembering that the first year can be pretty overwhelming. It’s such a massive adjustment from the life you had before and it does a lot of communication to get through it.

You said you’ve told him this and he isn’t willing to work on it - do you think that would change if you told him you’re close to leaving? Would you be open to some couples counselling?

Yes I have to agree your reasons sound ridiculous grounds for a divorce, but only you can decide if you don't want to be with him any more.

1,2 &4 are ridiculous. 3 and 6 are good reasons - you should be a team raising a family together, the baby shouldn’t be just your responsibility.

I don’t think I understand 5. Do you mean they wanted you to have sex in the same room as them? Fine if that’s your thing but if it’s not he needs to respect your boundaries.

My husband and I have been married 18 years and he got me flowers once.

I didn’t understand the bit with friends being over - he didn’t want to what?

YABU, how old is the baby.

New job most people are unlikely to ask for flexibility because you are only new.

He is not responsible for others behaviour. How much help are you expecting from your in laws ?

Sex, have you discussed it. Has he any issues post seeing birth, it can impact some men.

Again if he is in a new job he is unlikely to ask for flexibility until he is post probation and feels secure.

What’s the part about friend being over?
The parts about his job and you having to change jobs make it sound like he doesn’t see you as a team and really when you have DC you need to be as if he always puts himself first or makes decisions without discussion then you’re always going to lose out and end up resentful

If the sex one is them suggesting sex in the same room and him not respecting you not being comfortable with it I think I’d leave just for that

You don't sound happy. If you have reason enough to want a divorce, then it's nobody's business but yours.

The refusal to be part of the childcare plan is unreasonable of him. Particularly if it reflects his whole attitude to childcare.

And do you mean the friends wanted to have some sort of sexual experience with you and he keeps mentioning it? That would turn me off.

The rest sounds nit-picky but it obviously matters to you.

You sound like really high maintenance. He's at work I'm guessing the new job benefits you as a family? Weekly flowers are an inconvenience, Even for you having to put the bloody things in a vase. No one in either of our families helps with the kids they are our kids. Sex is non existent at the moment because we have just had a baby, I want to be left alone after being needed all day and he's asleep from being tired from work. Nursery runs and childcare will fall onto me because he earns more than I do so unfortunately his job comes first if we want to survive with state the uk is at the moment.I wouldn't divorce for anything you have listed. It's all temporary while kids are young.

So you've been together 8 years and only now these issues are a problem?

You pair chose to have a baby so why should family be expected to help out.

He literally has a new job, so he can't go in all guns blazing asking for flexi hours.

He doesn't buy you flowers weekly! Oh you poor thing!

You should never have married him and had a baby basically

Buy your own flowers!

Thank you all for your perspectives. I just feel trapped and very unhappy. I understand to some flowers might seem unreasonable every week, but it matters a lot to me and it's a simple gesture that goes a long way just like me cooking him dinner every night or running him a bath when he gets in from work. I just don't feel interested in going out of my way for him anymore.

Yes, it is sex in the same room as another couple. Pre-child we would have done it (each to their own so no judgement) but mix in a c-section scar, weight gain and stretch marks I don't feel sexy. He called me boring and said I need to get back in touch with who I used to be, but I'm a different person and I won't ever the exactly the same as I was before and I don't think he can understand or accept the changes in me.

edited after second post

Ok

You run him a bath?
🤣

How will being divorced help your body confidence issues? And how will it help with nursery drop off unless you have 50/50?

I love it when DH buys me flowers, and he does frequently but if I began to expect them weekly, it would just become a chore and not a nice surprise.

His family not helping - how is that a reason to divorce. My In laws do nothing for us, we barely see them or speak to them but I'd never leave DH because of it.

Childcare - should be a team effort - one of your more reasonable gripes with him.

Sex in same room - no is no and he shouldn't be pushing you or moaning.

I support you, as PP said even if just for the ‘sex pest but only if swinging is involved’ part 😒

I am sorry you are in this position now, with a child. I hope things get better for you soon 🩷

Your second post puts a different complexion on things. Unless there is abuse or existing serious issues before baby though, the first year post partum isn't a good time to make big decisions. Our bodies might be designed to go through pregnancy and birth but it can still take a big toll mentally and physically. Both partners have to adjust, sometimes this takes men longer, sometimes it shows you their true colours. Id hold off making a big decision till LO is 1 if possible. Obviously depends how big an impact this is having on your mental and physical health. You could start to investigate your options, see how you could make it work on your own. Get copies of financials and check entitledto to see what you'd qualify for with UC. It's not generally a quick process splitting up anyway unless you both have a lot of money or family support.

Sex in same room as friends would be an absolute no from me. Yuk.