General guidance - first family mediation about to happen

[Catsruledogsdroolokay]

Hello all
Hoping to get some advice on what will happen at our first child arrangement mediation later this week

caught husband having an affair
he refuses to discuss details but says it’s over making me think this is not his first rodeo 🥺

I can’t focus and have no idea what will happen at the neeting

any advice on what I should be thinking about to help plan?

I work part time
he travels a lot with his job (& affair apparently!)
am worried he is just expecting me to have the kids to facilitate his new lifestyle
will mediator see my side?

any advice from people who have been there recently would be greatly appreciated!

Affair is not relevant really

think about:

age of child and what’s best for them

will you go back full time ? ( likely to be expected ?) . What would that look like in terms of childcare

what frequency of days/nights are you looking for ? 50:50? Eow? Something else ??
what does he propose ?

a good mediator will see all points from all sides and try to find overlaid/areas to compromise on to reach agreement. They won’t tell one or both of you want to do

think child centric and what best fit them in maintaining strong relationship with both parents

some flexibility is also good to have rather than completely rigid schedule

Depending on age also think:

will both parents facilitate clubs/sports etc at weekends to allow child to do activities. This should be discussed even if child young and not doing them now

To be honest if he says he only wants limited contact there’s nothing you can do to compel it. Mediation might allow him to process the reality of not seeing his children.

It won’t give you closure on his affair. Nothing about the divorce process will give you that closure and he obviously isn’t going to do it either. Maybe if you can afford it seek some therapy. Even if it is just reading therapy.

Sorry but this is a hurt you get through with friends and family and self love. The hurt will pass and life will get better. Focus on the positive views of a future.

Key positives can be. One day you will hear him bullshiting and think “I don’t have to listen to this shit anymore” ideally as you shrug and walk away.
Just making a decision about your home life that doesn’t need a compromise. Like what time you leave to go on a trip.

Thanks
Do we get whatever we agree drawn up into a legally binding document?

Mediation isn’t binding it is part of the process to secure agreements you can then use informally or submit to court to make them binding. In the case of children this would be a CAO. You will also need a financial order that agrees how assets and liabilities are split. This is absolutely needed. It’s possible not to have a CAO if you get on ok.

The CAO can deal with things like Christmas, birthdays and going abroad. As well as other day to day practicalities. Without it you couldn’t take them out of the country without his consent which can lead to problems. You can agree child support as part of this or use CMS. I would only agree child support if it is better than CMS. But be aware he can apply to pay CMS after a year and you would need to go back to court to over turn their calculation.

In mediation stick to statements about what they children need. It will be about getting common ground on this. They need both parents in their lives. They need to maintain their current relationships with friends and relatives. They need to stay in their school. They need support at university.