I think I’m a bit stuck

[Finallyfreenearly]

I was wondering if anyone has any ideas - I seem to be going round in circles…slowly!

I split from my narcissistic, abusive ex nearly two years ago after finding out he’d been cheating with multiple women for several years. That was great news and I’ve never been happier! We have four children and they have all found it very difficult for various reasons (the older two have worked out what he’s like) But the whole divorce thing is proving quite tricky.

The only control he has left is money. He made it impossible to work but I’m stubborn so retrained and did work for a while, despite the fallout. But I never earned anything close to his earnings.

He lives overseas (in a country with no REMO) so I’ve got the children full time. In true narcissist fashion, he bought the biggest and best of everything; even when he couldn’t afford it so I am left paying all of the bills. He has got me to the bottom of the overdraft limit and knows exactly how much I need to cover the direct debits. And is paying me just short of this. He wants me to ask him if the kids need uniforms/ haircuts etc. I can’t take out a loan, credit card or extend the overdraft. He owes hundreds of thousands on a deal that went wrong and has left me that to deal with too. That’s been more or less a full time job up to now but I have started looking for any job I can do that fits in with the children. Anything I earn won’t touch the sides.

I can’t afford to piss him off because he’ll just not give me anything. He says if he ever gets a letter from a solicitor telling him what he needs to pay me, he will disappear and there’s nothing I can do about it.

The next step is to sell the house but that will be a last resort. I have one child in therapy because of him and one who should be but is currently refusing. To have to leave their home would devastate them but it will probably come to that.

I have found an amazing solicitor but can’t pay her. The lovely lady at the bank suggested I contact women’s aid so I might try that.

I’m fairly tough and am much happier now but don’t want anything else to affect the
children.

Any ideas? And thank you!

There is a lot in there.

What bills are you paying as a consequence of his largesse and why ?

If you are not working what benefits are you claiming ?

What money is he providing?

Who owns the house and is there a mortgage on it?

Where you married ?

Why are you dealing with his debts from the business deal ?

Are you 100% sure he is living overseas
Is there a chance he is pretending,so you don't come after him legally for money

Thanks for your replies.

Yes, he is living overseas. He has bought a house and I have taken the kids to see him as he hates coming back here. He’s living with his girlfriend. He claims he’s got no money but it’s very clear when we’re there that he has.

He has a habit of going for the biggest, most expensive thing he can without thinking about the consequences. I am trying to sell some land he bought (with a mortgage on the the family home, which he didn’t research so it’s more than doubled since last summer). He pulled out of a house purchase after completing without realising he would lose the deposit (I had taken the kids overseas for a relative’s birthday - he didn’t come because he said he was busy with work) so the proceeds from the sale of the land will hopefully cover the amount decided in mediation (which will hopefully happen next month).

No benefits as he sends money. It just doesn’t cover everything. I’d be surprised if I was entitled to anything.

He said he’s sending what he can afford to send. He knows this isn’t enough to pay the bills. I’ve started selling things he bought that we don’t use.

Yes, we’ve been married for nearly 20 years.

He won’t deal with the solicitors working on the mediation and says they can’t come after his assets. The family home is in both our names.

I'm a bit confused. Why are you paying his debts? If they are in his name only you are not liable.

The land and the house he pulled out of are in both our names unfortunately. There was no point ever disagreeing with him.

I'm sorry then, that's going to make it very tough for you.

I would stop taking the kids over to see him, unless he is paying the travel and boarding costs as you now need that money to pay off his debts. Either he pays, or he comes over, or it's zoom if he wants to see them.

Go on the benefits calculator and see if you are entitled to anything. Even if it's only a tenner a month it might open up other help like free prescriptions.

You will have to sell your house if it's cheaper to downsize, change location even slightly, reduce bills such as council tax or leasehold bills, etc. There's no way round that. You are going to have to explain to the children that certain things need to change, ie reduce electricity, cheaper food brands, buying asda clothes instead of wherever, no holidays (just a day trip or two) for the next couple of years. You don't have to "blame" him for it, just calmly state that your one wage is not enough to continue living as before.

Good luck