Talk me down, what happens next?

[Hillomjs12]

Starting the early stages of divorce, still not been to see a mediator. If anyone has similar experiences please let me know what the outcome was. Divorce is amicable we have drifted apart.

Overview
married 2 years together for 12. 2 kids under 6. Husband high earner (£50k) I work part time (£19k) and am the primary carer. House is mortgaged for £200k we have £100k in equity but no other assets IIRC.

my questions

1. what did the court grant each party?
2. how will I afford to house me and the kids on such a low wage?
3. could I stay in the house using a merger order?
4. Will mediation give us recommendations on what is fair?

thank you for taking the time to read this, my life as I know it is about to change dramatically 😓

Mesher orders are not really a thing anymore, they're very rare.

It's likely that you will need to sell the house, split the equity, and you then claim child maintenance from him.

How much equity is in the house?

Sorry just saw you said 100k equity.

If you'll have the children the majority of the time you may get a higher % than him.

The court will try to end the financial dependence between you both. This a clean break. They will do this by settling you both with a share of the assets according to need. They essentially adjust the share of assets to make good any financial damage done by the marriage. In doing this there is an expectation that you maximise your income and reduce your outgoings.

You need to consider whether working longer hours or full time is an achievable option. Taking account of whether your ex may want to take on extra parental responsibilities meaning you can work more hours. The other option is to claim benefits and you might be able to get child support if you do more than 50% co parenting.

Reduced costs means downsizing your housing and spending. An inevitable outcome of divorce for most people. Both you and your husband probably have need for 2 bedroom property.

A mesher order is an option of last choice when there is no other way to ensure the children have a suitable home. This can be rented or owned and it doesn’t mean the marital home. They are problematic for both parties because they encourage dependence and prevent the other party from releasing their capital. Given your ex’s salary you would need to be able to get a mortgage for 200k. This is very unlikely on your salary. It would be unlikely if a reasonable share of the equity buys you a property that meets needs or you can afford to rent until you can improve your income.

The biggest problem you face is that you can maybe afford to rent on your salary, your share of equity and benefits. However you will be expected to use the equity first as benefits will be means tested. This could get in the way of home ownership for a few years. I would try to work towards an outcome that means you can buy. It is usually better to work with your ex on a coparenting solution that allows you to work more.

The equity in the marriage isn’t worth going to court over so you need to work it out between yourselves.

He’s not a high earner op

youll need to look to return full time

a mesher seems v unlikely given your ex income and the equity in the property. Most likely house will be sold. You might be able to argue for slightly higher share

Thank you for all your informative replies, I am concerned that if I go full time then I will have to pay the equivalent in extra childcare / wraparound costs so would defeat the object or working more!

I feel so vulnerable and alone right now. I never wanted this for my children, I am about to ruin their lives. I might just let my husband stay in the house and I move out and rent somewhere. Save us both from financial ruin 😢

£50k is a high income. Well above average. His pension may reflect that higher income. You may be able to barter some of his pension for a larger share of the house equity to enable you to buy something smaller for you and the kids. You have about 6 months to buy a house with any equity before Universal Credit gets reduced and you are expected to live on the savings.

Oh, and UC will include help with childcare costs.
And before the Benefits Bashers start, it's there to help you get back on your feet.

It’s not considered high for divorce purposes or spousal maintenance or for justifying op only working part time and expecting higher share of everything to allow that. It might be higher than national average but it’s not high in this sense

look at financial help for childcare

I'll be honest. £50k isn't high. The best you can hope for is a higher % of equity. Mesher orders are rare and tend to be in quite specific situations. It's rare for the court to get involved if amicable, far cheaper to negotiate between yourselves and get a consent order. Remember court means very expensive legal bills. (My divorce was online no solicitor except £300 for the consent order plus all statutory fees, dp used a solicitor for is, still amicable but cost £4k plus fees!)

You will need to return to full time work asap

OP I can't advise on the divorce side of things but just to reassure you, it benefits the government for you to be in work so you will qualify for generous help with childcare to keep you working and increase your hours. I'd run your situation through the entitledto website and I think you'll feel more in control about that side of things at least. It truly sucks to be a FT working single mum but millions of us do it. It is possible. It also gets loads easier when the kids are both in school

50k is not high.
And regardless of anything else like childcare costs- for your own future you should go to work fulltime and support yourself properly.

In all likelihood you’ll be better of selling and getting the court ordered % each and settle maintenance.

Roughly how much would a 2-bed flat or modest house go for in your neck of the woods, OP? If it's at all possible to swing a purchase with your share of the house equity, plus the proceeds of going full time, then this would allow you to stay on the property ladder, benefit from that security of tenure, and regroup for the future. You're likely to qualify for a very respectable chunk of childcare assistance through UC so working more wouldn't be 'wasted'.

@Persipan a Quick Look on rightmove it’s about £200k for a 3 bed terraced and £1,000 per month for a 2 bed flat…so more than our mortgage. I am well and royally f*cked 😪wouldn’t be able to claim any benefits if renting whilst using equity from house sale nor would I be able to get a mortgage working full time £27k as the only mortgage I would be approved for would be approx £80k .

So
you’ll get 100k or more in equity
can mortgage about 90k
get help with childcare costs
get child maintenance ( which jn some cases can be taken into consideration in mortgage)
Get child benefit

with all disrespect, that’s not f*cked

might be harder than now but that’s how it is when you divorce

I know I'll get flamed for saying this but -

Married only 2 years
2 small children
Amicable
Divorcing because you've drifted apart?
And then looking at your finances...

Is there absolutely no way this marriage can be saved??

I agree with this. People are so quick to jump to divorce without trying to fix the issues and/or thinking through the financial implications.
My friends ‘amicable’ and easy divorce just cost her £7k and that’s without the implications of supporting a household on one wage.

I agree people should try to save relationships ( especially with young children) …. But op has been with husband 12 years so perhaps it’s too late and actually leaving while still friendly and amicable can be much better than trying to force something so by the time you do split all hope of amicable has long since gone

If you can buy a 3-bed terrace in your area for £200k, I'd be really surprised if you couldn't find a 2-bed flat under £150k, which is likely to be achievable if you find a decent broker. (I'm working on the basis here of you getting £50k equity from the house). That'd be more like £550 a month, and because you then wouldn't be sitting on savings, you'd be able to get UC which would sort you for childcare. You're not fucked, it'll be ok - very different, yes, but ok.

Realise it’s 100k total equity - you may find you get more say 70:30 as he can leverage bigger mortgage ( slightly although cms will also impact that )

In regards to posters saying that OP should return to work full time. What if her hours are part-time because she does the school run? She might not be able to go full time if there is not childcare available in her area (this is the case for me) or her children's welfare would be compromised by her working full time. Would she still be expected to work full time if circumstances do not allow it?

But how can OP qualify for a mortgage if she's only earning £19k?