Informing husband of divorce

[Letsdocoffee]

We have been separated for a year now after his affair. Affair was a year long, no children. We tried to make it work, but he made further awful decisions. He has spent the last 12 months desperately trying to make me change my mind.

Hes still in the house and I’m with family. House has just sold. I found out he’s been seeing someone since Oct time (whilst still persuing me), he has been so brazen, all over his social media, I feel like iv been cheated on all over again, weeks after he was still trying to get me to change my mind. She’s been staying in our house too, it’s just making me so angry after everything.

I have instructed a solicitor and plan to file for divorce. My question is, telling him first, what do I do?? We haven’t spoken since maybe Aug, iv just found it too painful and it takes me steps back each time.

Solicitor said it’s up to me whether I tell him I have filed or just let her send the correspondence. I don’t know what to say or how to say it. HE had the affair, he has the new GF as good as living there, but I’m still so sad about it all, desperately so.

do I email him, do I speak to him, do I do neither. I find speaking too upsetting and sad, but I don’t know about an email either? He’s moved on, I need to gain something back for me. I just don’t know what to do. He must be expecting this too a point or may be close to this himself??

any thoughts, under the circumstances, greatly appreciated xx

I am sorry that you are going through such a difficult time . It is hard to deal with things when you think you know where you stand and more damaging info comes to light .
Your husband didn't consult you / give you a heads up when he started the intial affair nor did he tell you about his new girlfriend and her moving in . Your husband has been the one that has effectively set everything in motion and has taken control.
If I was you and it wasn't going to make things financially worse for you re finances / him dragging things out I wouldn't say anything and let the correspondence come from your solicitor .

I wouldn’t speak to him. I don’t think you need a solicitor though. It’s very simple to do online yourself and it will get emailed to him. He then has to respond within a specific time frame. Save your money.

No don’t tell him. He is not worth your time.

I hope he falls in love and gets cheated on!

I hope you take him for everything you can given he is a morally bankrupt waste of space

Post it all over your social media, that’s how he updates the world on his life no? Okay, fun as that may be for a second take the high road and let the solicitor handle the communication.

Do what feels right. Don't do what feels wrong. If him finding out from you first matters to you then tell him. You could text first to arrange a time to speak or meet.

Let him stick with his second best, the letter in the post or email is all he deserves from you. Time to move on with your life, start afresh and if you have the chance to let the second best gf know he's been perusing you all this time she has a right to know.

This.

It’s fortunate that you do not have children and that the house has sold. Let your solicitor send him the information, rise above it by keeping your distance. You need to see this period of your life as one that has now passed, with a lovely new future to look forward to.

Don’t tell him just let him receive the papers. You owe him nothing. Receiving papers one day will be more shocking.

Ask yourself why you want to tell him? He is unlikely to change because he doesn’t want to change. He lacks honesty and integrity. If those values are important to you then it’s fine to move on.

Are you seeing a counsellor? Being cheated on can cause ptsd so you really need to focus on you. If you tell him then he may start love bombing. So allow yourself peace as long as possible.

Do what feels reasonable for you. Don't sink to his depths because it won't make you feel any better. Don't let him make you lower your standards.

And I second a PP, if there are no children and no complications around hugely uneven incomes. I'm not sure you need a solicitor, although nice to have someone else deal with all the paperwork if you can afford it.

I doubt think he deserves to have the news delivered in a way involving human connection with you.

I think any pull you feel too so that comes from a desire to tell him how much his recent coffees have compounded your hurt.

But now it's not the time for that, when you're licking your wounds. The danger is it'll be an ego boost for him too see how much he matters/ed to you and then back back to his shiny new toy.

Timing is everything

The time to tell him what a dick he's been is when you're a phoenix, if your paths cross and you are living well and he has become as nothing to you...
then you can say 'that was such a dick move but I'm glad it showed me for who you really are, I don't need that kind of disloyalty in my life.'

He'd feel small then. If you do it now he's more likely to feel powerful

Dont post it all over social media !
while its hurtful to you, you are separated, therefore he’s entitled to see people and have a life

you dont need to tell him, you can just send papers. Or you can just drop him a text to say, started ball rolling re divorce. You’ll be getting papers shortly. Leave it at that.

start moving forward with your own life

You don't need to talk to him at all or ask him anything. Just send the papers.

I didn't want my ex contesting so "we agreed" that I would file. Very different circumstances though. It took all my energy to engage but I was just focused on getting the best outcome for my future.

My sense from your post is that you find it upsetting to speak to him because you know he won’t give you the closure (being truthful about his feelings and behaviour) or apology you need. Whilst these are things you deserve you won’t get them from him.

In terms of the truth, you know it but haven’t really accepted it yet. It’s not as simple as he lied and mislead you. These things are obvious. It’s about who you thought he was and how he felt about you. Thats far more complex and painful and involves some personal insight.

I would advise you not to engage with him either directly or on SM. Petty acts of revenge will just blow up in your face and could bring trouble to your door. I am saying this is about putting yourself in corner in the name of feminine dignity or moral high ground. I am saying this is about protecting yourself. You are vulnerable. And you never know what crazy might be unleashed.

Do some self reflection and reading as part of your growth. Maybe seek some counselling. Begin to plan for a better future and start to see yourself in it. Think of your new home, your next holiday and next goal in life. Because in all of that you aren’t going to weighed down by a liar and a cheat who isn’t worthy of you.