Failed by family court - domestic abuse

[Andrea1245]

I had been granted a non molestation order against my ex partner due to domestic abuse. This was made without findings and accepted initially by my ex partner and his solicitor at the first hearing in court. He lives in the same house as me as we both own it. I later applied for an undertaking where we would propose to have restricted areas and times to part of the house as he would not leave so an occupation order wouldn’t be an easy solution.
The undertaking was agreed by him, but upon the next hearing in court to formalise it, his solicitor presented the judge with a non mol against me! have a 14 year old daughter to a previous relationship. He has been fabricating stories that I have withheld household items and harassed him to his solicitor and has since proposed a non molestation order against me. All lies. We are therefore in court for a full hearing now this month where both non molestation orders will be contested. Please help this is draining me of energy and finances and I feel failed at how the courts offer me little protection and how he can play the victim when he was the one emotionally and physically abusing me! He is a profound liar and has no morals. I feel I am battling with someone who will stand at nothing to ruin me. I am thinking of representing myself as it will cost me £10,000 to dispute. Any advice greatly appreciated.

I’ve no experience to offer but this must be an immensely difficult living situation for all of you. Is there really no way you can leave (is it your house)? I can’t imagine what this is like for your 14 yo.

So you got a non mol without evidence.

He's retaliated and now there will be a court hearing to look at the evidence.

The obvious thing to do is to gather all your evidence - police calls, reports, photos of any injuries, etc etc. if incidents have happened but not been reported then write down for yourself what happened so at least you have a record and aren't relying on memory.

If you're considering representing yourself, see if this can help you - https://iamlip.com/ they're free help guides that guide you through the process. It might make the process easier for you. I couldn't afford the hefty solicitor prices either. They really helped me understand what options I had and what I could do next.
Hope this might be able to help you x

Thank you everyone for your responses. It is so difficult @UndecidedAboutEverything but I’m worried that in leaving he’ll assume responsibility and ownership of our home. I try to not spend much time there but feel compelled to because of the fear he’ll presume he can take ownership if I abandon. They always say don’t leave but safety and wellbeing should be taken into account. @Octavia64 Thank you. I keep a daily log and have done this for a few months now. Really helps me to recall precise details and events.
@Anita848 wow thank you, yes it’s something I’m going to have to do now. I’m worried that now I am acting for myself it will save me the expense of my solicitors responding to the barrage of letters from his solicitor on one hand but on the other I’m going to have to learn a whole new set of skills to be equipped to respond to them myself now. I’ll look at those guides, really helpful if you to share 🙏 thank you everyone

Contact CourtNav and Rights of Women. Maybe see if you can find an experienced MacKenzie friend.

I’ve done my own non mol application.

Put in a second witness statement before the hearing and add ALL evidence. Text messages, photos, emails…

@Mumof3confused Great idea thank you. I will look those up. I had thought of a second witness statement making reference to be used in conjunction with my first also- that way I can get more information in. I have not heard of a Mackenzie friend, please could you tell me who they are? His legal team are as unscrupulous as he is, so I have fears of representing myself in court too.

Yes look into getting a McKenzie friend so you can have more support. This will give you more information on what a McKenzie friend is if you need one - https://iamlip.com/what-is-a-mckenzie-friend/
One thing I learnt in my process, it's hard but don't get too intimidated by all the 'big words' and many letters they send. They're doing it on purpose to scare you, unsettle you and make you feel smaller. You've got this. Sending my love x

@Anita848 You’re an angel thank you. That’s exactly how they make me feel. I retreated away for a few weeks to gain my strength again… Receiving letter after letter, I could feel I was starting to be overcome with anxiety and panic and dread checking my inbox. I honestly thought I was close to losing my mind and did not appreciate how the process could be so difficult and overwhelming. I am quite a strong person and so this was a scary place for me to be emotionally. I am so grateful for yours and the other comments and grateful for the advice and guidance.
I will check it out thank you. 🙏

@Anita848 The guides are amazing too thank you. I have noted the ‘bullying by proxy’ in particular to be most interesting and so very relevant. I am feeling more confident already. Thank you so very much 🙏

Does anyone also please know whether I have to write ‘without prejudice’ on my responses to his solicitor or is this something the solicitors just do to each other?

If you are in receipt of Universal Credit and a victim of domestic abuse, which you are, you are entitled to Legal Aid.

Find a Family Law firm that has a Legal Aid contract.

If you're not represented for the final hearing please make sure the court are aware well in advance (as soon as possible) because in a case with DV allegations you can't cross examine your abuser so the court will need to appoint a QLR to ask the questions (if there is one available) which can take a long time to organise.
I'm not sure why you're not pursuing an occupation order (appreciate this is just a snapshot of the case) but if you're going all the way to a final hearing it's worth a try.

Also, I don't think it's fair to say you've been failed by the court, they've granted you a protective order, it's not the court's fault your ex has applied for an order and it's a process they have to go through to determine an outcome.
I appreciate it's a horrible situation and the courts often do make rubbish decisions, but in this case it seems a bit of an unfair complaint.
Sorry don't want to be critical of you, it's just hard when the family court constantly gets a battering when there is a lot of good, hard work going on.

@PoisonMaple Thank you. I will be eligible for applying for universal credit soon as my savings have dwindled down so much now after paying for solicitor and barrister costs in the first application process. I am aware the application for legal aid is complicated and receipt of UC doesn’t grant acceptance of legal aid I’m informed? I’m self employed and I was told that legal aid take into account actual gross money going into my account rather than my self employed assessed earnings? Is this true? And I think it can only be granted two months after assessment? Would be really useful if anyone has gone through the application process to please let me know 🙏

@wejammin Thank you and no I appreciate your comments. It’s difficult as I feel sometimes that the victims of DV are made to feel on trial and raising the lid on something that has been covered for so long is difficult enough. I am worried that because I’m representing myself that if I go for the full occupation order, (as I do have a dependent child and work from home) and it doesn’t get granted that I’ll have to pay the other sides legal fees. My non molestation has solid evidence so that shouldn’t be a problem to gain again with findings in this instance. I’m trying to limit costs while trying to keep myself and my daughter safe. His legal team is brutal and do not always appear to act ethically unfortunately. I try to follow the path of least resistance. Emotional abuse and historical physical abuse, not sure what if have to prove for the occupation order?

There's pretty much no chance you'll have to pay his costs if you apply for an occupation order and aren't successful. Costs are rare in family cases and he'd have to show that your conduct and litigation behaviour was fairly extreme, which it isn't. Plus he wouldn't have additional costs really as he's already forced a final hearing.
Shelter has a good explanation of the test for the court to consider when making an occupation order https://england.shelter.org.uk/professional_resources/legal/relationship_breakdown/housing_rights_of_married_sole_homeowners/occupation_orders_for_sole_owners_and_their_married_or_civil_partners
It's basically a balance of harm test, the easiest way to persuade a court is to show that he has somewhere to go and you don't, so if he can afford to rent elsewhere or has a parent or sibling he can stay with, that would be helpful to show.

@wejammin Thank you so much for the link and the reassurance regarding costs. He is gunning to exploit me financially.
Through ill health I have temporarily took some time out of the home for the last few weeks (I am now on anti anxiety anti depressant medication) and my daughter as she has her exams coming up next month and her grades slipped massively from an A to a C/D in the last few months after he’d verbally threatened her at the start of this year. (Not his biological child) I go back back and spend time there when he is out, to clean and do my washing.
I am starting to feel stronger however when I’m away from the property I’m ’out of the game’. He would otherwise send me solicitors letters again saying my visitors (friends and family) had harassed him (they didn’t even come into contact with him) or I’d been withholding kitchen equipment (he’d empty drawers and take photos) so I’m reluctant to invite anyone round due to fearing I will put them at risk of accusations l, but I don’t want to surrender my home. Tenants in common with me owning the majority share.