Brother going through hell, pls help!

[BrickBear]

Hi Folks,

I am hoping you can help, I am posting on behalf of my brother, scroll down to the bottom if you want to read the question.

He is going through hell due to a toxic wife who constantly loves to fight!

He was married for just under 6 years, and they have no children.

My brother used to be a very joyful happy guy, but since he got married we noticed his wife slowly takeaway all his happiness and energy for a number of reasons. She used to publicity berated him in-front of others quite often for very minor things. An example is a few years ago they bought their first house together and he was showing his friends around, she came up to him and said 'what the hell do you think your doing? we have guests here that are leaving you need to give them their leaving gifts'
His face went bright red and he just apologised on behalf of his wife and went and do as she told him. Every time we asked him if he was happy with her he would just nod.

Anyway we recently found out she was abusing him...emotionally and sometimes physically although he said this only happened once or twice. She stopped him seeing his family, seeing his friends, she constantly went through his phone. If he spoke to any females even at work he was automatically told off, yet she could do whatever she wanted.

In Dec 2022 he had a mental breakdown and told us he had thought about taking his life many times as his whole life with her he was 'walking on eggshells'.
When she found out about this, she made some story up he was having an affair for the past 7 years...she showed us the messages and he was talking to a female friend he met online through a gaming platform. He was saying to her he felt trapped. The woman was on the other side of the world and they had never even seen each other, they were just messages between two people, nothing sexual, no photos, no videos nothing to in fact confirm this was an affair. She immediately kicked him out of the house, took his car and passport.

They attended therapy together where she proudly showed the screenshot messages to the therapist who laughed in her face and said this is not an affair and don't ever use that word...throughout the sessions my brother tells me the therapist and his wife would argue constantly, and my brother would just sit there quietly. The therapist told her, she had ego issues, she loved to fight, she couldn't admit when she was wrong and she needed to let my brother speak and communicate. After one session of therapy she actually attacked him and took his phone off him after the session which the therapist saw, she denied doing this.

After 6 weeks of therapy (where she refused to pay any of the fees), my brother finally got the courage to say he wanted a divorce as he didn't feel safe being around her. She took it very bad, and said he was never to return to the family home. After around 3 months he finally got his car back, and some small items.

In Feb 2023 he started the divorce, they finally sold their family home in May 2023 with her causing a whole host of issues even swearing at the new buyers and refusing them access to view the house.

In August 2023 they finally exchanged Form E's (voluntary) due to her being difficult, she lied on her entire Form E and emptied all her bank accounts and didn't submit the correct evidence. He finally got some of the evidence in Dec 2023 however, she has no interest in settling finances and just wants him to suffer. He was told me how he hasn't been able to sleep and just wants this nightmare over with!

Its now April 2024, and he had no choice but to submit a "Form A", he has also made her an offer to share the £150K from the sales of proceeds 50/50, as they both paid for the house, she has refused and said she wants 70/30. My brother will be unable to rehouse if its a 70/30 split. She has 0 interest in resolving things as she is living with her family again whilst my brother is paying £1200 for a small 2 bedroom house which he is now being evicted from in a few months!
He has made her another offer to sort this out before court but she hasn't responded yet.

I wanted to ask what people would say is a fair split of assets they are both in their early 30's:

1. They have been married for a short time less than 6 years
2. She earns £50K he earns £130K
3. They both have a property each they bought before marriage, similar values although hers has a mortgage (we have seen no proof, despite asking 5 times)
4. Pensions are similar values hers is £85K his is £100K. She works as Nurse so overall her pension will be worth more.
5. He has debts of around £15K , we don't think she has any debts
6. She has everything from the house including all his items at cost - £15K (she denies having any of this)
7. He has her designer bags and shoes which were moved into a storage locker whilst they were renovating their house, the locker is in his name and he has the key. He has admitted to having this and given her a list with photos in his Form E. She recently gave him a fake a list saying that that instead of the 15 bags and shoes he says he has, there are actually 50 bags and shoes that he has. This is utter rubbish, the list she provided is just a list with no photos of receipts. She also claims the items he has are worth £65K and include LV Bag and Hermes Bags etc.
8. There is £150K sitting with her solicitor from the sale of the house
9. There are no children involved
10. He has small savings of £5K, she has emptied all her savings approx £20K has disappeared when questioned she just said she had debts to pay and provided no evidence... He has offered her
11. 50/50 split of the money
12. All her items back (in his original list)
13. Everything else, pensions, pre-marital house to remain separate. She has come back saying
14. 70/30 split of money
15. All her items back plus a penalty fine of £50K to make up for the alleged missing items
16. Everything else, pensions, pre-marital house to remain separate. He is saying he doesn't have the energy to go to Court due to the time and cost but also he is learning to stand up for himself so can't let her walk all over him. What do you think is a fair split? His Uncle has told him he won't get near a 50/50 split due to the fact he earns more than her... He has also spent close to £25,000 so far on solicitor fees mainly just sending chaser letters as he wants this over with!

He doesn't need a lawyer to send her chaser letters. Push to go to final hearing and he should just save his money for a solicitor then. It doesn't seem like she can be reasoned with so I think it's best to go in front of a judge and let them decide.

I was told that without young children/or disadvantaged career due to being a sahm - it's likely to be a 50/50 split of assets

Id think fairly even split would be reasonable, 50/50 or maybe 45/55. That would be including pensions, cars and her high value bags though. No penalty fine of course. Some pensions need to be valued because the amount shown on statement doesn't always reflect actual current monetary value.

Ultimately he can either take her to court or try and get her closer to the minimum amount he needs to buy. So he could offer 45/55 on the money and no penalty fine. If she's not going to move on it he'd probably be better off going to court. Given he's paying for legal advice what have they said about what he might get in court?

Hi I just wanted to send you and your brother love and hugs. We are going through very, very, very similar circumstances, she's a narcissist , coercive and he left her everything at the house for the kids to just get out when she cheated and got worse and she's still trying to control him. She's left him in debt financially and fleeced him totally.

I posted on here earlier due to other issues going on regarding the kids. Please feel free to pm me for a chat to offload as I really know what it's like dealing with someone like this, as I dont want to go into any more detail on here as it might be too outing

I really hope your brother is OK (((hugs)))) xx

He spoke to a legal advisor yesterday who said, even though he paid 50/50 for the house as he earns more than double she does its unlikely he will get 50/50.

He's told me he is willing to move away form a 50/50 split just to get rid of her as this whole process is really affecting him and he's not been able to sleep. He really doesn't want to go to court due to the time and costing...he's been told that even if it goes to court it could take up to another year to resolve...

His legal advisor said the first hearing the judge will just say 'sort it out', if she doesn't agree with what the judge says they will need to attend a final hearing which will extend the process even more.

Thank you so much! Yes I can't believe how nasty she is...she also stole a lot of his possessions and he gave her a lot of gifts throughout the marriage which she is now claiming he took!

The funny thing is he wasn't even allowed back into the house so her argument is flawed. An example is he bought her a very expensive chanel watch as a special 30th Birthday present, he put this on a credit card so he's been paying this off every month and she is now saying 'I don't know where it is , you must of taken it' , when we all know she has the item!

I think he needs to stop negotiating with her. Cut context as much as possible (assuming he has multiple evidence of unreasonable behaviour. Make a final offer of 40/60 or 55/45 whatever his solicitor thinks is reasonable. He is a high earner so we'll able to rebuild his life. His mental health is more important then the money. The process sounds horrendous which is why I'm suggesting he do this then step away as much as he can until the court dates. If he retains his lawyer then get them to act as a balwark or perhaps you or a family member can so he can be involved for anything important but everything else can be ignored.

He's so close to escaping, these are the mad fits of a desperate, irrational woman who is losing control.

Thanks I will let him know...will her unreasonable behaviour make any difference in court though? He has a police report stating she was domestically abusing him but he has been told that the court meeting is only for the finances so nothing else will be discussed.

He also told me last night he found evidence of her family are doing benefit fraud...he found an old bank statement which shows her mother sent her daughter £125,000 and several emails later he found an completed application for benefits signed by his ex MIL saying 'she agrees not to have any significant funds and therefore is requesting financial help from the council'

He told me last night he reckons around £200K has passed through his ex wife's bank account....but he isn't sure if this will make any difference as FORM E is only for the past 12 months

I can't believe the type of people he got tied up with

xxx

He is earning £130K. He's on the verge of a full mental breakdown. He's already spent £25K on solicitor fees.
He needs to stop looking at what is fair and start looking at what he is willing to give away for a quick (and cheaper) resolution.

If I was suffering that much and seeing any house equity being eaten up by court costs I would offer 60/40.

My brother will be unable to rehouse if its a 70/30 split.
Someone is lying through their teeth here. Is it you or him? £130K a year plus you said he owned another property. He's not going to be homeless.

Does he have evidence/proof of unreasonable behaviour? Proof she lied about the value of her bag collection? Proof she is lying about him taking things from the house? Of refusing to reveal her finances. If it's relevent to the finances then you would hope that the judge would see the pattern and look at her with a degree of skepticism and so refuse to give her thr benefit of any doubt.

Him having her bags in storage might not look great however, it could be seen as tit for tat so I would suggest finding out if there is anything else similar and being very very honest with the judge and he is holding them just until the finances are sorted and assets can be split because she has been making false claims (and strongly evidence the false claims with actual paperwork/receipts to prove how batshit she is)

There are ways of including disappearing assets into the divorce equation, if they're obviously depravation of assets. Ultimately if this is effecting his mental health he needs to work out if this is worth fighting. If I was in your brother's financial position and had a good job, I would just go for the minimum I needed, it would be worth it to start putting the abuse and trauma behind me. it would make me feel angry that he was winning again but Id also feel so much relief at being able to put my abusive XH behind me. Well as behind me as I could with joint kids, but it would be s relief to have that financial tie cut and one more degrees of seperation between us. He needs to work out what outcome he can live with and go for that.

ETA: Id be guided by your lawyer and not what people are saying on here is fair.