Communication - 50/50

Nimbus1999 · 2024-04-08T05:56:07+00:00

Please talk me through how you communicate with your children when they’re with the other partner? They’re away up to 5 days at a time. Is it reasonable to expect ex to make sure their phones are with them and charged? Often, they completely drop out of contact when they’re there, not even checking their phones. This is different behaviour to when they’re at home (daily contact with friends / family etc). Is it unreasonable to expect to be able to get hold of them? I only want to send the odd message and for them to be able to contact me. I have supplied a charger to leave there.

Hoplolly · 08/04/2024 07:01

I don't exist when my kids aren't here, also 50:50. They'll text if they need me but barely respond if I text them sometimes. It's just the way it is. If I have an important message I'll also let their dad know, other than that I don't really worry about it.

Ilovelurchers · 08/04/2024 07:04

My daughter is like this too - I have got used to it. I think it shows a secure attachment, actually.....

How old are your kids? If they are secondary age, it's more their issue then your ex to keep their phones charged surely?

Good luck - I know it is hard.

Meadowfinch · 08/04/2024 07:09

My ds 15 to too busy to text or phone me and I don't expect it. DS is on ex's time, should be safe in his care, and only rings if he needs me.

Since he had his phone, that's happened twice. Once when ex's new woman unilaterally decided they were all turning vegetarian 🙄, and once when he had an issue with his homework.

Otherwise he texts about things like when he will be home.

Original poster

Nimbus1999 · 08/04/2024 13:15

She is not secondary age yet. I guess I just want to feel reassure that she could message if she wanted to.

OP posts:

MintGreenC · 08/04/2024 13:18

No I don't think it's your exes job to do that. If she wanted to talk to you she would.......

Hoplolly · 08/04/2024 13:57

Nimbus1999 · 08/04/2024 13:15

She is not secondary age yet. I guess I just want to feel reassure that she could message if she wanted to.

I think if she's old enough to have a phone then she's old enough to make sure her phone is charged. Not your ex's responsibility. If they're not contacting you or checking their phones, I don't see that as a bad thing.

GingerIsBest · 08/04/2024 14:01

Is he taking away their devices so that they can't message or be on them at all to anyone?

I think it's not that odd that they don't necessarily call/message you but I would be annoyed if he was being super strict so that they weren't allowed access to their devices at all.

Original poster

Nimbus1999 · 08/04/2024 14:54

He says he doesn’t but she has mentioned in the past he doesn’t like her using her phone. I just find it odd her behaviour changes there (not in contact with friends either etc).

Okay will chill out!

All so hard to navigate.

OP posts:

GingerIsBest · 08/04/2024 14:57

It is hard. I'd ask your DD to maybe make an effort to send you a good night message or something, but only you can tell if that's appropriate.

I will say that at that age, it's quite normal for them to be off the phone when they're not in their usual environment. At home, DS would be on his phone but then he'd wander off to friends or whatever and not touch it for hours and hours.

BoohooWoohoo · 08/04/2024 15:05

A lot of parents prefer their child not to be on a phone. They are addictive and can fuel homesickness. Do you think that your dd wants to contact you and is forbidden ? My ex would have texted on my child’s behalf if they wanted to speak with me. There was a thread recently where a stepparent didn’t like the fact that her stepchild’s smartphone had location tracking so the ex could know what they’d been up to.

I don’t think it’s odd that her behaviour is different at his house. Kids often behave differently at school and home and it’s not surprising that they will be different if parents are very different too. I think it’s normal for a child not to think about friends when at dad’s house, especially if he doesn’t live near you and doesn’t really ask about her friends.

Once she’s a bit older, she will be able to charge her phone. Until then it might be better if she didn’t take a phone to dad’s house if you want to keep the peace and not feel like your ex is being controlling.

BoohooWoohoo · 08/04/2024 15:05

A lot of parents prefer their child not to be on a phone. They are addictive and can fuel homesickness. Do you think that your dd wants to contact you and is forbidden ? My ex would have texted on my child’s behalf if they wanted to speak with me. There was a thread recently where a stepparent didn’t like the fact that her stepchild’s smartphone had location tracking so the ex could know what they’d been up to.

I don’t think it’s odd that her behaviour is different at his house. Kids often behave differently at school and home and it’s not surprising that they will be different if parents are very different too. I think it’s normal for a child not to think about friends when at dad’s house, especially if he doesn’t live near you and doesn’t really ask about her friends.

Once she’s a bit older, she will be able to charge her phone. Until then it might be better if she didn’t take a phone to dad’s house if you want to keep the peace and not feel like your ex is being controlling.

BoohooWoohoo · 08/04/2024 15:05

A lot of parents prefer their child not to be on a phone. They are addictive and can fuel homesickness. Do you think that your dd wants to contact you and is forbidden ? My ex would have texted on my child’s behalf if they wanted to speak with me. There was a thread recently where a stepparent didn’t like the fact that her stepchild’s smartphone had location tracking so the ex could know what they’d been up to.

I don’t think it’s odd that her behaviour is different at his house. Kids often behave differently at school and home and it’s not surprising that they will be different if parents are very different too. I think it’s normal for a child not to think about friends when at dad’s house, especially if he doesn’t live near you and doesn’t really ask about her friends.

Once she’s a bit older, she will be able to charge her phone. Until then it might be better if she didn’t take a phone to dad’s house if you want to keep the peace and not feel like your ex is being controlling.

Wishitsnows · 08/04/2024 15:13

Sounds like he maybe taking phones off them if they aren’t contacting friends either. Maybe they have been asked not to tell you. How do they feel about not speaking to you during the 5 days?

SemperIdem · 08/04/2024 15:18

My older step children aren’t allowed their phones at my house.

There was an incident last year, mum and dad felt differently about how best to deal with it.

They use their parents phone to FaceTime call their other parent a couple times during the week, could do more if they asked but they don’t.

Original poster

Nimbus1999 · 08/04/2024 16:16

I’m happy for her not to message me. I’m not expecting messages. But just want to know she could if she wanted to IYSWIM. In all honestly, I prefer her not to be on her phone all the time so maybe it’s a good thing! Just harder for her friends / other family that she disappears for days at a time but guess they’ll get used to it!

OP posts:

BoohooWoohoo · 08/04/2024 16:28

They get better at telling their friends when it’s their time with dad. My son goes EOW and is happy when it matches his mates’ schedules of seeing dad.

Original poster

Nimbus1999 · 08/04/2024 17:39

Thanks everyone!

Need to start letting go!

OP posts:

EliflurtleAndTheInfiniteMadness · 09/04/2024 11:25

Nimbus1999 · 08/04/2024 14:54

He says he doesn’t but she has mentioned in the past he doesn’t like her using her phone. I just find it odd her behaviour changes there (not in contact with friends either etc).

Okay will chill out!

All so hard to navigate.

Her behaviour is changing in reaction to what her wants. pretty normal at the other parents house. My DD know her Dad's disapproves of him calling me, so she doesn't. Ive let this go. it's not a hill worth dying on at this stage partly because I know she'd cop some of the fallout if I tried to change things. I did ask my lawyer out of curiosity if he could take the phone I bought her away, she said at DDs age that would be considered in his purview as her parent when she's with him. Im not in the UK so don't know if the laws the same, but I expect it probably would be. XH did agree they can call me but in practice DD knows he disapproves so wont, most of the time DS1 is very single mindedly with whichever parent he's with and DS2 doesn't care and just contacts me wherever he wants. They all have kid messenger on their tablets so can all contact me though that if they need too.