Will I be even worse off?

[Workingmumoftwintoddlers]

Hi all - first time posting. I'm a solo parent to twin 3.5yos. I've been solo parenting since just before they turned two. The twins stay at their dad's for the weekend every fortnight.

I work 5 days a week (condensed into 4), and I'm a high earner, I earn over 100k, which I'm very grateful for, but it does mean I'm also highly taxed.

I commute into London (can be up to £500pm). And after the twins have gone to bed I often work to 1/2am due to the intensity of my corporate role. Twins still wake a couple of times in the night. And I'm back out of the door in morning. The juggle is pretty intense and I run through each day feeling overwhelmed with life and like I'm barely surviving. On top of that... after childcare costs for them both, rent, car, food, travel costs - I'm starting to rely heavily on credit card. I've made as many changes as I can to reduce outgoings, moved property, changed childcare, but it's still a struggle - effectively, one salary, two kiddos in the midst of childcare years, no benefits.

The twins dad pays me £300-400pm for the two toddlers. That hardly even touches anything let alone childcare costs.

Whenever I mention that I think he should contribute more. He says I shouldn't be asking him for a penny based on what I earn; and that it's my choice to work.

The twins dad has 3 properties in London, 4 cars (3 very expensive ones - i.e. Range, Bentley, Merc), and a lot of savings... which I know he hid in a previous divorce. However, he works for himself in the trade, often takes cash, and puts his accounts in showing bare minimum earnings... i.e. it looks like he hardly earns anything.

I tried the Child Maintenance Service calculator a few months ago and it said he should be paying me an awful lot more. I tried it tonight and it said he should be paying me £200pm in total. I've read threads on mumsnet where solo parents mention they have one kid and get £700pm.

Last month he didn't pay me anything. This month TBC.

I'm just stuck on what to do. I find it quite unfair that I'm working crazy hard to provide for our girls and still getting into debt (I recognise when they go to school it won't be so bad) and he contributes what I think is less than minimum. But I'm worried if I go down the child maintenance route that because I have a high salary and he'll show low earnings, even though he's significantly better off than me, I'll be even worse off.

Am I expecting too much? Does the CSA take into consideration just their salary or also assets? I'd just like it to feel more fair - but I'm not sure what fair is in this situation.

I'd really appreciate some advice please.

Do I just keep the agreement as is. Or try the CSA?

My daughter's father is an architect, own business..... declares 9k to inland revenue.... and pays £22 a week!

I can do absolutely nothing about it.... he clearly doesn't earn that! He also states how much I earn and lists everything that I have as an excuse not to contribute more.

I'm not sure what to say.... as I'm paying childcare for one so can only imagine what it must be like for you.... I'm just riding the storm and doing my best to safeguard my career and future progression. I'm hoping 9 month funding helps me x

It's all based on his earnings, if he's working for himself it's likely he's paying himself a v small amount and this is what CMS work out payments on. Any dividends, which is the big money, aren't taken into account. Which is why he can get away with paying you so little in comparison to his lifestyle.

What I will say is 'hang in there'. I was in a similar situation and when you're in the thick of it, it's difficult to see the end. My dd is now 16 and I'm working a lovely job which pays well, I have a lovely relationship with my dd and the days of no sleep, long hours and killer childcare costs are behind me. It will work out for the best and it's not forever

You sound like superwoman. I’m in awe of you and what you’re juggling.

Your income is irrelevant to what he needs to pay you. But as he’s self employed and fiddling the books I doubt the CMS will get you more and he’ll no doubt stop paying you what he currently does. While it stinks, I’d leave it be.

Sorry I know not totally relevant to your question, but not sure why you feel you need to work so hard and earn so much, plenty of people happily bring up kids in more modest incomes. Given the amount you get taxed plus costs of commuting and childcare, is it really worth it? As for the CMS then it will depend on his taxable income, although you can go down the route of them looking at likely additional income based on him obviously having a lot of assets but could get messy

Honestly- don’t give up your career. It’s hard now and I feel the pain. I didn’t have twins but had 2 only a year Siar so had the cost of two in nursery / killer. I also worked into night etc but it does get better !

if he’s self employ that will make cbs much trickier unfortunately. If he’s got properties is he declaring any rental income ? Savings with interest, you can claim on the interest - it will be tough but don’t give up - he’s paying you pittance and you should be getting more. Try all avenues , cns, hmrc, ask for lifestyle review of him etc etc

btw he sounds like a prince, while you are superwoman. Hold in there !

Are you sure you’ve done the calculations right? £200 for twins sounds incredibly low, especially as it came out much higher last time.
Tell your ex, it’s not about what you earn, it’s based on his earnings. Assets don’t count I’m afraid.
do you get help with childcare costs from government? Also many workplaces do vouchers to make it tax free.

It's not easy at all, is it. Or fair! You sound like a superwoman. Thank you for the advice. Really appreciated.

Thank you. I keep trying to remember it's not forever. It's just hard to know whether keeping it amicable is actually just making it worse for me versus CMS makes everything more formal... but could still make it worse for me!

Yes, and agree, the main thing is that the twins are happy and we have a really great relationship, that I'm trying to make sure my working lifestyle doesn't affect.

Thank you. Reading these responses that's what I'm starting to think is the safer course. Appreciated!

Can't you report these people to the tax man if they're not declaring their full earnings?

If he is declaring low income then the CMS will be low. He will probably be using an accountant to ensure he stays within HMRC rules.

One area you can explore is whether he has savings or capital that could be providing an income. Even if it isn’t the CMS can assume an income of 8%. Which is worthwhile if he has lots of capital. Less so if he doesn’t

His properties might just be breaking even, a good accountant can work that magic.

You have avenues to explore but they might not give you much more than you have atm.

For the love of god don’t give up a good career. They don’t magically stop costing money and you need to plan for your future.

Nor do I! :-). I think it's just ingrained in me. I moved out of home when I was 17 (I'm now 40+) and have only ever relied on myself really so I think it's a safety thing. I was working for myself but that does involve finding new business yourself and I was just too knackered with the twins constantly waking through the night and trying to getbthrough work in the day so I took a salary job as a bit of a security buffer. It's for now, not forever, but it gives me the security I need to know I can cover us.

i can’t offer any different advice - it is a common loophole that Mp’s do nothing
to close .

The cms don’t care either - they go after the easy claims

Dividends are taken into account. They have to be reported to HMRC like salary.