What is the threshold/process for kids if they are unsafe or uncared for by X

[AprilFoools]

H can be loving, caring, family man - but when under pressure he becomes angry and vindicative. A few times recently it has become clear that he cannot put the kids first when in this mood (ignornign them, shouting in front of them, slamming doors).

My kids are young (pre school). He wants 5050 & I want to be as cooporative as possible - and find a fair solution for the kids that still gives them a routine and time with both paretns.

But what happens if I think his MH is declining/I don't trust him to look after them - or if he shouts at me or slags me off in front of them? Do I just have to accept this?

This will not be considered enough reason to stop 50/50 when deciding access by a court and if the access is court ordered you cannot prevent contact without either going back to court or getting in to trouble whether you think the children are safe with him or not

Is 5050 still the norm for young children (3 and 4)? I was hoping to argue that we can build up to that if he wants. but would they really do one week on, one week off with kids that young? I don't want to prevent 5050 but H is v erratic right now - he isn't coping with separation well at all - i just want to give us all time to settle and for H to get used to it all, and then we can build up to more and more time. am i being unrealistic?

Step back and think about what you are asking, without any emotion attached.

Having a mental health issue is something almost 100% of the population go through from time to time. Its life, everyone has times when they struggle - either for a day, or a few months, or even a few years.

It would be wholly unreasonable, unrealistic and unfair (not to mention traumatic) for social care to decide that a parent having mental health issues was reason to remove their children

I didn't talk about social services removing children. I was asking if I had any chance of arguing 5050 wasn't fair on the children, until he has got some help to deal with his aggression and rage.

Social services don't get involved in custody arrangements, if 5050 is right and whatnot. That's cafcas and the courts.

yeah - i know - you talked about "social care removing children" - that was why i was confused. I wasn't talking about anyone removing children, I was asking about childcare arrangements during a divorce.

But cafcas also aren't social services.

But what happens if I think his MH is declining/I don't trust him to look after them - or if he shouts at me or slags me off in front of them? Do I just have to accept this?

This would be a decision for social services, if it happened. You would report to children's services.

Very unlikely it would meet any threshold to remove the children from that parents care though. But it may mean that the children's Dad is offered some help with managing his emotions and supporting his parenting.

There is always going to be a co parenting arrangement principle. Even where there are safeguarding concerns, there will be presumption this can be turned around through supervision and learning. But you won’t be the one supervising or teaching or deciding.

Like a pp said you probably aren’t near a threshold to restrict his time with them in the long run. And your position is inconsistent. You are willing to allow unsupervised access just not 50:50. Is there a reason he is safe one night rather than 3 nights a week?

His behaviour towards you is easily remedied by the pair of you not being present with each other around them. Lots of people don’t take separation and divorce well. They say bad things and behave badly because they are scared and hurt and being forced to face a change they don’t want. It is a stressful time. For this reason they will get some latitude and be given the chance to turn things around.

There is no good or gradual change to come out of separation. Your stance, he can have restricted time with his children, is from your perspective a small change. But it’s not from his perspective. He goes from seeing them every day to may a day or two a week. That’s a huge change. How would you react to that situation?

Anyway, if you have a concern then it should be raised appropriately. The children will be impacted one way or another. You will need evidence and not opinion.

Once you do accuse him then you set in place a dynamic that will determine your co parenting life for a long long time. My guess would be that he will eventually get time with his children whether that be 30% or 50% of the time. But you are going to have a reductive dynamic. Minimum CMS, very little compromise on anything and rigid contact arrangements, that will make life difficult for you and the children. And you are going to be in court over everything.