Struggling with divorce costs

[LemonDrizzle72]

Hi,

I put an end to my 23 year sexless marriage almost 4 years ago. I am over a decade older than my stbx husband and the marriage became nothing more than a friendship many years ago (15 to be precise). There was also no affection in our marriage and I realised I just wasn't attracted to him. After a chat with the GP (who ended up putting me on the sick for a month as I just broke down in his surgery), I made the tough decision to call it a day.

We have two children, 20 and 16. Eldest at university. Youngest with me mostly. Occasional stays at her dad's if I need to go away for a weekend or something (but, not very often).

I have had two lots of solicitors and have gotten nowhere. Still only getting 50% of the family home whilst he has other properties and isn't paying child support (never has). Reduced hours at work so he has avoided it and has taken semi-retirement.

I had put solicitor fees (£300 an hour almost) on an interest free credit card with the intention of paying them back out of the house sale. Problem is, I'm having to pay the minimum payment each month and the interest free period will run out in 5 months. Then shoots up to 29% APR. I'm also still getting monthly bills from the solicitor of anywhere between £300-£800 a month!!! Considering they haven't got me a better pay off and I've accepted the 50% then I'm not happy about continuing to pay it. Latest is, the consent order has gone to the court.

Due to a very stressful job (which I'm now leaving to protect my mental health and career), two suicides in my family (one a sibling), no family (apart from my children) and feeling desperately lonely, My best friend is ill too so that is horrible to go through and I am trying hard to provide support (stage 4 cancer). She is like a sister to me. I'm not in an emotional position to go to court. I just can't face this! I have told my solicitor this numerous times so, in the end, accepted the 50% of the house (mortgage free and worth around £270k). Not touching pensions and I know I'm being screwed over as I worked part time raising the children for years.

I have sent an email to the solicitor saying I can no longer afford this and have asked for all
paperwork to be sent to me so
I can take over. Can anyone advise where I find out what to do?

My disposable income is £1k a month which is good BUT, out of this, I pay the credit cards and solicitor. This month it has left me with £100. I need to take food out of this for myself and my daughter. It's getting impossible for me to cope.

I'm 52 so really can't afford to be taking on a big mortgage. I owe approximately £15k on credit cards and have never had debt before - ever! Only a mortgage that we (I paid the most) paid off years ago.

If I have to pay this back and a mortgage it'll cripple me. I earn almost £50k but I am left with less than someone on half my salary once I've paid everything. Bear in mind, I am living in the family home (which I've been ordered to put on the market in June). I worked hard and am distraught this has happened to me. My heath is deteriorating especially whilst this has gone on (blood pressure on the borderline high level). Mental health/mood has deteriorated.

I have the option of getting a £10k student loan for a course I'm doing. Should I do this? Should I take another loan out? I'd be grateful for any suggestions as I'm living on the breadline almost on a £50k salary! It's ridiculous!

How did you all pay it back once the divorce was over? I'm feeling fed up I've allowed solicitors to bleed me dry!

Sorry, that should say I'm a decade YOUNGER than my stbx (which became an issue as time went on). Plus, he lacked affection/passion.

I'm also attending court for my siblings death as there is an on-going neglect case going on (raised by my niece). This, in itself is distressing.

Are you not entitled to 50% of all properties, not just family home, what about pensions and DH savings. Why has it taken 4 years, surely you need this sorted, what have the Solicitors done in all this time to be charging this amount. It needs to be sorted.

Sorry it sounds like you are experiencing a lot of stress due to the situation. You are where you are with solicitors. Can you get a bank loan at a much cheaper rate and move the credit card debt there?

Ask for itemised bills from solicitors..How many letters etc have they sent out and over what period? If their fees are excessive or disproportionate you have the option to threaten to complain about them to the legal ombudsman.

No, not on offer but I'm very aware I'd probably get some of this if it went to court.

I'll look into a bank loan. Just feel rubbish knowing that I was in a very good financial position but, due to lengthy divorce proceedings, it's ended up with me racking up the debt. I've never had debt before so it's unsettling.

My first solicitor group was a nightmare. Constantly made errors on things and high staff turnover. I ditched them after 3 years and my latest is better, but more expensive, and has tried to get me to go to court but doesn't really get the emotional state I am in. I wish this could happen without my presence. Stbx hasn't spoken to me since I filed for divorce which has made things difficult.

They give me itemised bills each month. Just adds up! I'm clearly in the wrong profession!

This all sounds super stressful OP, poor you.

Divorces are rarely "fair" it seems. It's all about being the one able to sit tight and wait it out and make the other side want it the most - hard when short of money and sounds like solicitors haven't helped in the slightest.

If what you're saying is accurate the court wouldn't sign off on such an inequitable split anyway. You are entitled to 50:50 everything - all property, pensions. Sometimes a bit more for primary parent but as you have your youngest most of the time that's fine. He should be paying child maintenance but that is sweet FA compared to actual costs and hard to chase down.

I would say your strongest position is trying to make him want it more than you do. Hard if you're struggling more than him. You say you've been ordered to put the house on the market, by whom if it hasn't gone to court? Just refuse and sit tight. Say you are entitled to 50% of all assets (which would presumably exceed his share of family home if multiple properties?) and it's a waste of your time and money for him to jeep pushing for such an inequitable split. Until he's willing to be sensible about fairly splitting everything and a solution that houses you and your child properly you won't be negotiating further and you won't be putting the house on the market. Then sit tight and ignore him for a bit.

OP I know what you mean re whether the stress is worth it. The previous poster makes some good points. Maybe sorting out the debt and giving yourself a few months breathing space could be an option to take a break and reassess.

Re court, the barristers do the talking as I understand it, so although you would have to go, it may not be so bad.

A lot depends on how much money you may be losing out on. Sometimes though choosing your own mental health is more important than the money. It depends though how you will feel about it in 3 years when the stress is over.

I’m sorry. Divorces are rarely fair and no one tells you how much they cost.
I would accept the 50% and use it to pay off your debts and move on.

It is crazy how much solicitors are charging for their service. They really do bleed you dry. I couldn't afford to keep mine in the end so I used free resources online to get me through and explain my options. I'll leave the one I used here in case it can be of help to you. It was a really good one because it helped me understand what was going on and my options so see if this can help you through xx
https://iamlip.com/
I know how hard it is now. I'm so sorry you're going through this. It's easier said than done but please take some time to focus on yourself whenever you can. Even if that's just a short amount of time where you do a hobby, or go for a walk to get some fresh air, or even light your favourite scented candle. The little things help. There's a light at the end of the tunnel for your future self xxx
Sending love

You have to go to court. Do not shaft yourself by failing to do that.

Have you had/offered mediation?

You don't actually need a solicitor, I've been divorced twice and not had one except to write up the financial order. I would just say that you want to go to court. The judge will not sign off anything that is wholly unfair to either of you. Just because he isn't offering it doesn't mean you aren't entitled to it.

Have you had full disclosure of each other's finances yet?

If he's working then put in a claim for child maintenance. Assuming youre living in separate properties then cms will base maintenance on his wages for your 16 year old, the properties and court etc are irrelevant for that, if he refuses to pay they can take it direct from his wages and he'll have to pay them extra because of it. As far as the divorce if those extra properties were bought during the marriage then you absolutely should fight for them, as well as the pension. You need to find your anger and stop letting him bully you, which is what he's doing. Force it to court, the judge will stop his games.

Have you both completed Form E and are you confident he has disclosed everything, including the extra properties? That should be the starting point. You can put a claim on the other properties so they can't be sold and monies diverted until the consent order is signed. I appreciate how scary it is but I wonder if you wouldn't be better going the court route. I did and in hindsight should have done it earlier. I wasted money on useless solicitors and on pointless diatribe that he sent to them.

Despite being in a hideously stressful situation work wise and sole parenting children I decided I could do a better and less expensive job self representing. Best thing I ever did. Can't lie - it was horrendous, took ages but it helps to know there is a defined end point when you go the court route. I ended up as a LIP at final hearing. Being organised and thorough was key as was keeping everything focused on the children and being reasonable. Ex had city barristers and was arrogantly pursuing an unrealistic outcome. Judge found in my favour and I got a much better outcome ( equity in my favour, PSOs to equalise income in retirement as my pot was smaller due to child rearing and p/t work, mesher until youngest child finished A levels) than any of the offers he made via his solicitor or at FDR and much of this came down to me persistently going after full financial disclosure.

I would halt things and cease instruction to your solicitor whilst you weigh it all up. It's a life changing outcome and you need to be sure you get your due so you in turn can provide for the children.

You are stronger than you realise and it's worth pushing through. I love the peace and financial security I have now. Far from rich but I'm comfortable and can rehouse/ retire without too much worry. Unthinkable at the start of it all or if I had caved and accepted what my ex proposed.