To not want DC to live with MIL after separation

[mistake123]

I am considering leaving my partner. As soon as I had my DC three years ago I kind of "woke up" to his bad behaviour and how much I had been overlooking. I was insecure and desperate for affection. If he is emotionally unavailable and I cannot forgive him for how he wasn't there for me emotionally during a very challenging time with a newborn during Covid. In short, I feel very lonely in this relationship. And it's not the kind of relationship I want to model to my child. The problem is this: I know with certainty that if we separate he will move into his mothers house and will want 50/50 custody. I really don't want my daughter being brought up by my MIL as I believe much of my DH's poor behaviour emotionally is down to his upbringing (his mum is exactly the same). As long as we're together I can "dilute" his behaviour but this option will be gone if we separate. What shall I do? This relationship makes me so miserable and while I put on a good show it is slowly killing me inside: I long for a team player, ally, and someone who I turn to in good times and bad . I just don't have this now.

Sorry typo. "If he is not emotionally available" means "BUT he is not emotionally available"

The kids will always have you OP. I don’t think you have a choice if you want to separate and you should for your own good. Sadly it’s part and parcel of life. I know what you mean though it’s exhausting but I guess what’s worse? A miserable mother or a settled, happy non-toxic life with you to balance out the father?

Stating the obvious it's going to be difficult whatever you choose. If you don't want mil involved in your children's upbringing then you stay. What does being a single parent look like for you? Even if you leave it unlikely that your perfect soul mate is just around the corner. Could you try discussing how you feel with your husband? Would he be open to counselling? What can you do to improve your sense of wellbeing?

The harsh reality of divorce/separation that many struggle to comprehend is that when the kids are with their other parent you get ZERO say on who they see, where they go or what they do.

If the dad would want 50/50 then expect that to happen, and understand you will have no say in how he parents in his time.

Eyse wide open!

This is exactly what I'm afraid of. I'd move my DC from essentially getting taught to suppress emotions half of the time (from DH now) to 100% of the time when with DH and MIL--with two people reinforcing this is "good behaviour". DH is also about punishing bad behaviour. Silent treatment, etc which I absolutely hate and one example of what would happen if I wasn't there to smooth things over

I do have therapy and try to focus on my own well-being etc but it almost makes things worse as I am trying to grow and I'm getting frustrated that DH isn't -- if anything the "gap" is getting wider. My therapist also said his behaviour sounded like gaslighting. And we're working on "turning off the gas" but not that easy

Is dad a 50/50 parent when together? Or are you the main carer?
If you are the main carer with day to day life regarding your child then you could argue that the continuity for the child is good. That worked for me so far.
You can't stop dad living with MIL or your child staying there on his contact time.
I say that knowing my ex hates that I live with my mum and I have the kid's the majority of the time. However financially it is the best decision at the moment..

Thank you for that insight. We are 50/50 caters we both work. Arguably I keep it all going with organziation, doctor visits etc but I doubt this would hold up in court. I don't want to stop him accessing his child, I'm just trying to limit my DC's exposure to very questionable approaches to emotional development from him and his mum. My DC is like me very emotional and that needs to be nurtured not repressed. (If any of this text is showing as strike through that's a mistake and don't know how to undo!)

Does your DP know how you feel? Does he want to split up too? If not then maybe the thought and spell it out to him of splitting up might jolt him into improving his behaviour?
Worth a try but be prepared for it to take a while with lots of stress and management from you. We nearly split up loads of times when they were little but my DP always pulled it back last minute with promises etc and finally now they're bigger he's much more settled and more involved with them too.
He will always be their dad - will he be a better dad to your kids with his mum as his main influence or with you? If he's awful to them then you'll pick up the pieces when they're with you and worry about them when they're with him. If it's just a stage he's going through and it's liveable with it might be easier to grit your teeth and get through it.