Husband wants to separate

[PinkPingu]

Weve been together 18 years and have 3 kids, the last month has been hell weve been arguing and trying to make things work but nothing seems to work, he took a few days away to think and asked me to do same but weve arrived at different conclusions - I want our relationship more then ever but he wants to separate

He says that while weve only been arguing the last month looking back the signs have been there for years and we didnt act on them and he thinks its too late now

We always agreed if either of us wanted out we'd stand by it and end things amically for the kids and to remain friends - but right now I dont know how to do that - Ive got an op in 2weeks and start placement at the end of month (im nursing student) and he wants to stay here to help me with it all with kids and to make transition as easy as possible for them but I dont know how to live with him and not be with him its going to hardest thing ive ever had to do

Op hand hold, how awful! Why have you been arguing more recently?

Because I complained that we had gotten into a rut, I had mine stuff (uni etc) he had his stuff (work etc) and we had the kids but othwrwise we werent really doing stuff together anymore

Hes been down/depressed lately and I assumed was due to work (hates his job) but he wasnt talking to me and when pushed he informed hes been struggling for years but didnt feel could talk to me and I didnt notice how bad itd gotten until recently he also said ive told him I love him but he hasnt felt it - all of which has been hard to swallow my uni course has been a major stress and has all but consumed me and I think made me blind to alot

OP it is hard, maybe give him some time. Make it clear how much you want this to work. I know you probably have already.

Thank you, I have but he says im invalidating his feelings and basically saying hes not allowed to feel how he is

Weve been together pretty much our whole adult lives and he thinks we need to learn who we each are separately and maybe we'll find a way back to each other (tho he stressed he didnt want to give me false hope saying that and doesnt want me to cling to that hope)

Where did he go on his few days away?

Any chance there's another woman?

It's starting to sound like he's rewriting the history of your relationship to ease his conscience for leaving you for someone else.

It does sound a bit like the beginning of ‘The Script’.
If he is determined to end the marriage, hold your head high, do not do the ‘pick me’ dance and get on with sorting things out.
Get legal advice.
Put any valuables and important paperwork in a safe place. Lean on your friends.
Good luck

@PinkPingu I'm so sorry, it's shit.

i know this will be 'unbelievable/impossible & hurt, but I'll bet the house on him having someone else in the wings. Men very very seldom leave until there is.

get ready to lied to, then the bomb dropped.

Will you need help after your operation?

is your placement for a year? How close to home?

He has said there is noone else unvovled that he is not interested in anyone else - im not naive I know there is chance hes lying but right now im choosing to believe him, it all equates to the same thing the end of my marriage

He just believes we're not making each other happy and we're just going through the motions on autopilot where weves been together so long - I dont fully agree here but cant really dispute if hes feeling that way

My surgeon has told me Ill likely be off my feet for a week after and I start my placement 10days after so need to get mobile as soon as possible

My placement is for 8weeks so ive got a few months of uncomfortable living together - think it'll be slightly easier once the kids know coz least then I wont have to mask (altho dont want to start bawling in front of them just dont want to keep acting that alls ok with him in front of them)

This sounds absolutely like the script, where did he go for a few days and with whom? Suddenly he's been depressed for years in your marriage - I think you might have noticed before now if that were true.

Weve been together pretty much our whole adult lives and he thinks we need to learn who we each are separately and maybe we'll find a way back to each other

This stands out to me. Keep you holding onto a little shred of hope, which is cruel.

He's already checked out of your marriage.

Sorry OP

You have an op coming up which is your priority, so I would just try and get through that period first (with his help if necessary) then deal with the inevitable.

I’m sorry for you OP, this is incredibly upsetting, on top of stress of your op.

Did he talk about a firm plan for what would happen after your placement? If he has got as far as thinking about housing and custody and child support placements you know he has really got his head into a new space

I would ask him for a few days in complete peace not talking about it and generally avoiding each other while you process the news. Try and keep these days as calm as humanly possible. Is there a spare bed or comfy sofa he could sleep on? Ask him to sort the children out for a few days and go and stay with a friend or just get a night at a hotel, away. Don’t prepare him for it, just go and let him sort out laundry and food.

Your priority is yourself and the kids now. Let him figure out himself what he’s going to be losing.

This.

He has been depressed for years and I have noticed but always assumed it was his job (which he hates and has increasingly been bringing him down) never for a second thought it was about us that was a blow - the problem here is I didnt notice the extent (and hate myself for that) but he didnt speak up which he acknowledged he should have (but I hate the fact he didnt feel he could talk to me that hurts)

When he said about us maybe finding way back to each he was very reluctant to say it and stressed he didnt want me hanging on the hope of that and didnt want to give me false hope

Says he loves me and always will but doesnt think hes in love with me anymore and I cant really fight against that no matter how much it hurts

He said that these next few months financially and household (bills/shopping etc) carry on as always have but hes going to be looking for places he can afford then once placements over and hes found somewhere we can start sorting out details

I asked him if we can try and make things work but as far as hes concerned we have tried and nothings worked so yeah hes checked out already - he slept on sofa last night I wake early around 6am so sent him up to bed once I was up

I have tried to supress the feeling of wanting to run away but in all honesty I have nowhere to go - i dont have many friends my best friend lives miles away shes offered to come stay but ive put her off for now until hes left as that will be when I need her more, planned a girls night with my cousin (she knows whats going on) in few days so got that to look forward to

That's awful for you op.
Time to think practically, he's had time to process what he wants and now it's your turn.
As hard as it is and you won't be in the headspace, you probably want to just curl up into a ball 💔but you need to be practical.
Will you be able to support yourself?
Is the house bought, can you buy him out?
If the house is sold can you get a mortgage on your own?
How old are your DC?
Do you need childcare?
Take one step at a time but you need to think about money and housing, don't rely on any promises from H as while he's feeling guilty he may promise to pay X,Y, & Z but when he's out in his own place the guilt will wear off.
He's checked out, protect yourself.
Do not do the pick-me dance, head up, be proud and let him go.
❤️

@PinkPingu

so much of what he's saying & what you're saying/feeling is absolutely typical.

just be prepared that things change as fast as clicking your fingers.

im not trying to upset you, but I wish I'd been more prepared for him to become someone I no longer recognised & for the 'just started seeing' person to have been someone he'd been having an affair with & it's SO common. Unfortunately this was all pre MN & I was young and thought more of him.

its all utter shit, but you're stronger than you know and it will all turn out ok in the end!!