What's the plan?

[Questionsandheartache]

How do you know what to do?

It looks as though I'm stuck, because of mortgage, and kid's health needs. No abuse or concerns, 'just' my happiness.

So do I work on a 5 year plan until youngest finished school? Do I tell him I want to end it, but in 5 year's time? Do I just keep going.

Wishing I could turn the clock back 25 years.

Don't even know what I'm doing anymore.

5 years is a long time. Don’t waste your life.

Yeah, it is, but probably better than the upheaval of moving to a different town, and the impact on the children. As I said, one has health conditions which means they couldn't live between two houses so would be very difficult for them to have positive family relationships.

Have you tried marriage counselling? What is the root cause of your unhappiness? Maybe getting to the root of it will help you figure out the right choices.

We had counselling a few years ago. Maybe worth another go. He just seems oblivious! I read an article called the walkway wife, and strongly related. If I didn't have children I'd be gone.

So it sounds like you don’t feel that emotionally connected to your husband? You don’t feel validated or that he is concerned about your feelings and happiness? Perhaps you don’t feel loved and appreciated? Do you still have a physical connection?

It's so difficult to advise. Only you can really decide that. If you don't have to rush it seems like a good idea to use the time to make plans for the future there was DV in my case so I did a moonlight flit with DS. It wasn't fun.

following Please xx

One bit of advice though. As the end is coming don't tell him a damned thing. They can turn nasty and devious when they know. Act as if everything is normal until the day you go.

I understand this completely. You want to leave but don't want to smash everyone's lives apart.

Make your five year plan, invest in yourself and your own happiness.

Thanks, yes, there's no connection. Neither emotional nor physical. If I think about planning a trip or even just going out for a drink, I think about going on my own or with a friend, not with him.

I think given the complications and the fact that there's no DV/DA then a plan is probably the way to go.

@Gettingbysomehow I hope things are better for you now.

It must be really hard being with someone you feel no connection with. How long have you felt this way?

Does your husband appreciate how you feel? Did anything change after marriage therapy previously?

Do you think anything can be done to get the emotional or physical connection back? Outside of the marriage how happy/satisfied are you with your life? It’s worth asking yourself these questions. Maybe you need to get individual therapy and go for joint therapy or not depending on the outcome of that.

I can't offer much advice on how to go about fixing the relationship or what the right thing to do it as it's a difficult one. I understand the issues with your child's needs, however your mental wellbeing is also important. You deserve to be happy too. Either way, the end result should be you leaving this relationship. If it can help with your plan, see if some of the things on this checklist can help you prepare what you need to prepare before you start the divorce process - https://iamlip.com/help-guides/pre-divorce/ It says 28 days but you can do it for as long as you need xxx
Hope this might be able to help you x

However you have mentioned that he is oblivious - maybe reintroduce the idea of counselling first and go from there unless you feel that you have already exhausted all options to fix this?

@Anita848 thank you, I will take a look. I had a really helpful chat with a friend and feel a bit more peaceful and less desperate. Keeping options open and thinking about what I need.

Maybe the grinds of family life and challenges have worn you down to the point where you feel dead inside. Hardly surprising with the challenges of child care and family life. Small steps, small talks with your husband. Take one day at a time