How is it fair?

[LifeIsShitt]

How is it that a father can abandon his children and not bother at all with them then the mum gets told she is lucky he doesn't bother with them? How is it fair? I see posts on here from posters complaining their ex won't have the kids extra nights when already having them 2/3 nights a week and posters saying what a bastard the ex is but a parent doesn't bother with their child at all no overnights nothing and the mother should feel lucky? No maintenance nothing like the other parent might as well be dead. But never mind you are lucky they don't bother. So it's ok to leave one parent to do absolutely everything whilst you pretend you don't have children and never mind they are lucky you don't bother?

It’s all relative.

A woman with an abusive partner who is bullies the kids (and may not even be a safe person for them to be with), will seem worse than a partner that never sees his kids - to her.

I grew up without a dad from the age of 5. He just disappeared off the face of the earth. My mum had to bring up 4 of us on a very low income and she had no family at all. Parents both dead and she was an only child. Our father’s relatives probably got in touch once a year if that.

Life is not fair. Most people don’t think in absolutes. If you have a ex who lets you down a few times with taking their own children, most people don’t stop to think “oh well I’m luckier than someone who’s ex never does a thing”. They think, ‘bloody hell, what a selfish bastard he is’.

You are right of course, it is absolute shit if the ex can’t be arsed to see his own children.

The only (small) consolation I can offer, is that when the children are adult, you’ll still be their mum. He probably won’t even exist for them.

I hope life gets a bit better for you soon.

It’s perspective and different situations are different.

I am lucky the kids Dad has faded in to obscurity. I got the kids full time. And it was easier on my own than co parenting. And cheaper.

I didn’t get CMS when it was 50:50 and I don’t get it now. But anything I bought the kids would disappear at his house. Uniform, trainers, make up, all to turn up on one of his step kids. He was causing them a lot of upset. he couldn’t get them to school on time, didn’t make sure they bathed. Never stuck the original times he should be having them and so on.

Contact slowly dwindled after he moved in with woman with 5 kids and now both kids (one is an adult) don’t see him at all.

Life has been easier since it was just me. I now have a dp that will help out with the youngest, but doesn’t live here and I love it.

I feel sad for the kids their dad couldn’t maintain being a good dad, when he didn’t have a relationship with me. And he couldn’t treat me like a human being so I had to leave. But all of us think life is far more relaxed.

I don’t think of it in terms of fairness. I can see how people don’t feel it’s fair, but it’s not a consideration for me.

Sometimes the fathers of children are so awful, it is better that there’s no contact. Because when those father do have contact they can make life awful

Oh and it doesn’t make it ok. not by a long shot.

How did you managed to have a partner when you have your children full time? I'm guessing you had family to help out? I've been single for 7 years because I can't date because my kids are always with me, there is no chance of meeting anyone else because I don't get any free time to date I will have to wait till my kids have grown up. I'm more annoyed that other people tell me I'm lucky he doesn't bother but will tell a woman whose ex sees the kids twice a week that it isn't good enough and he should be seeing them more yet I'm lucky? It makes no sense... my ex wasn't abusive so that doesn't make me lucky that someone else's ex was

4 kids OP?

Why does the father not paying cm? Is he hiding from them? Self employed? Bastard whatever!😔

No, my kids grew up. They are now 20 and 13. They don’t want or need me around all the time. If I go out for dinner with Dp they are more than happy having the house to themselves for a few hours.

i had to move quite far from my parents to be able to afford a house. So they haven’t really helped apart from one emergency.

I socialised along with the kids, usually connected to their hobbies. I have friends and socialise with them and their kids and their friends.

Dp is the relative of a friend. I knew him 3 years before we started seeing eachother. we have been seeing eachother for nearly 3 years. We won’t ever live together though. I don’t want to live with a romantic partner again.

its not lucky in your situation. Especially as you aren’t happy with it. But for some people (usually women) the thought of not having their kids all the time is quite distressing. Or their kids do see their dad and it causes them no end of problems so they feel like life would be easier if the had their kids full time. It’s their Point of view.

Being a single parent is very hard. However, I would rather be in the position I am in, rather than be the parent who doesn’t see them.

And it’s ok to tell people that you don’t feel lucky.

I think what people mean is that while of course it's absolute shit he doesn't bother with his own kids and you have to do it all on your own sometimes and only sometimes in the event of a total deal beat it can still be easier than trying to facilitate sporadic contact with deadbeat and putting up with their abuse and gaslighting and trying to manage kids reactions to same .

I don't think it's fair OP and you aren't lucky. However, I have to co-parent with an abusive man who makes my life a living misery (EOW contact so not 2-3 times a week) and it's awful. I wish he would just disappear, it would make my life more bearable but you and your children aren't lucky. It's shit and unfair and I'm so sorry you are going through that.

Its not ok and its not fair and unless someone had expressed the desire to parent 100% on their own with no help and no money I wouldn't ever call them lucky or think they were lucky. Sometimes people are dicks. Sometimes they don't know what to say or they apply their own thoughts or experiences to your situation and sometimes people give platitudes because they just want to shut you down and not talk about it.

My stbxh has them 2 nights a week, though there's often only 1 day a fortnight I dont have some form of contact including running them to training and hobbies on his time because he's a jerk who won't do that. We have to keep moving contact because nothing can intefer with his time, unless of course he wants to do something else and then Im expected to have the kids because its it's inconvenient for him. He has a massive negative effect on the kids. There was emotional abuse and controlling behaviour. I don't know if they or me are better off for having him in their lives. His contact time causes me a lot of extra physical, emotional and mental work. He does zero of any mental load, Im responsible for everything and making all the important decisions on my own. One of our kids has been suicidal and he literally closed the door in my face on one occasion and hung up the phone on me a few months later when I was trying to discuss her mental health with him. Then accuses me of not letting him be involved and make decisions.

Not currently getting any child support either because I dont feel able to cope with his behaviour and all the nasty things he'd say to the kids if I did apply. He already accused me of spending all his money because he saw I had bought a couple new items of clothing. With the benefits I get because Im sick and a carer for our 3 Autistic kids. He's a horrible nasty small-minded jerk and I really don't know if the physical break is worth it, but that's my situation and me and I wouldn't assume that meant you and your kids were better off without thier father.

Sometimes when I read a post on here like yours I think it would have been much better all the way around if we'd gotten the absent father/XH instead of the OP and her kids. My Mum was a sole parent rather than a single parent and I saw just how hard it was for her. Its a really tough situation to be in, its hard even if you're relieved he's having nothing to do with the kids. It's even harder when there's no silver lining to his absence.