Help me help her

[Solar2024]

Hi, I’ve never posted before but I am in desperate need for some advice.

My friend has been in an emotionally abusive relationship for the past 10 years. She has hidden it from us for the majority of the time. Sporadically she has let us in about how bad it is then withdraws and acts like everything is ok now.

She is the sole earner for her family as her husband refuses to work. She has three school age kids with him.

She is now at the point in her career that she can support herself and the kids financially but is hesitant to leave despite constant emotional abuse. He puts her down everyday, makes horrible remarks about her to the children. She feels she can’t be at home so she can keep the peace.

What steps can she take for emotional support and to start the process of separation. When she’s brought it up in the past he’s been enraged and told her he doesn’t trust her with the children.

This is so awful.

Would she consider calling women's aid?

https://www.nhs.uk/live-well/getting-help-for-domestic-violence/

"When she’s brought it up in the past he’s been enraged and told her he doesn’t trust her with the children."

She really needs to document all his abuse so she can answer any 'accusations' from him. Abuse is not just violence but also threats, emotional abuse, financial abuse, controlling bahviour, etc. And much more.

"He puts her down everyday, makes horrible remarks about her to the children."

get her to keep a record of these comments in a safe location, online password protected etc.

Can she move out and go somewhere safe?

Can she approach a solicitor to find out what to do, legally?

So sorry, I have a friend in a similar situation, and have been waiting years for her to leave him! Living this kind of life can be so bad for people and bad for the kids, it is really in the children's best interest not to be in this toxic condition. It may be that even if your sister cannot think about herself, she can think of the children.

If at any point she needs to involved the police, she must do so, so there is a 'paper-trail' of his behaviour. Good luck.

I agree she needs a paper trail of the abuse. At the moment he could try and claim to be a SAHD and try to keep the children.

I assume he’s not actually doing all the school runs etc. but she needs to keep records both of the abuse and of what she does for the children.

This is less important if ‘school age’ means older teenagers who will be able to choose which parent they live with.