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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Given a list of items to buy for his house

23 replies

BookArt · 31/03/2024 13:04

Dad has provided me a list in the handover book of things needed for the children at his home. He is currently in the family home and most of our belongings are still there (Long story that my solicitor is dealing with on Tuesday).

The list includes pjs, pants, sun hats, the list is fairly long- all of which I left some, but not all. However the children have both had a growth spurt so I've had to replace at my house.

I gather from his note that he is expecting me to buy these things for his home too. He paid maintenance for the first time last week after I gave him a deadline or I would go to CMS (I have gone to CMS now anyway, but he did pay).

I am under the impression that he needs to supply clothing for the children at his home. He thinks I need to due to paying maintenance.

Dad has the kid's EOW and Tuesday's for dinner. Reduced from previous agreement due to his erratic behaviour.

Could someone clarify for me as I am very new to coparenting and the constant battles are exhausting and I'm doubting myself.

OP posts:
Shellyleppard1 · 31/03/2024 13:07

I would just provide the basics for overnight stays.... anything else he should be buying for them??? Don't send too much stuff in case it gets lost while there. Luck x

BoohooWoohoo · 31/03/2024 13:10

He has to provide everything the kids need during his time.

Maintenance is his contribution to what the kids need during your time. As you have the kids more, he is required to contribute.

BoohooWoohoo · 31/03/2024 13:12

My kids are older now so they take their favourite clothes from my house to his and bring them back which is fine with me but it sounds like your ex is very difficult and the type who would keep your clothes at his so you’re forced to buy more.

Original poster
BookArt · 31/03/2024 13:13

Kids are 5 and 1. He's currently keeping the new clothes i have bought and sending them back in things that barely fit.

OP posts:
determinedtomakethiswork · 31/03/2024 13:43

No. Just reply saying I will send them in the clothes they need and I'd appreciate it if you sent them back in them and not some other kids' old clothes like you did before.

beachguy · 31/03/2024 14:46

I would assume that if you had them 100% of the time then he would a pay a set amount in maintenance to cover the expenses.
if he has them 20% of the time then the 20% “saving” would be used to provide for the children during his time.

The court has worked out a figure based on his&your wages. Hence don’t give him anything unless he increases the maintenance payment to 100%. Then You would be liable (IMO) to all costs associated with he children regardless of who they are with.

LizHoney · 31/03/2024 16:47

BookArt · 31/03/2024 13:13

Kids are 5 and 1. He's currently keeping the new clothes i have bought and sending them back in things that barely fit.

That's one for your solicitor then.

Rtmhwales · 31/03/2024 16:55

DH’s ex did this. Send them in ratty pajamas or play clothes when they go to his. It’s his job to provide everything while they are there. Do not send new nice clothes.

TraitorsGate · 31/03/2024 16:59

Rtmhwales · 31/03/2024 16:55

DH’s ex did this. Send them in ratty pajamas or play clothes when they go to his. It’s his job to provide everything while they are there. Do not send new nice clothes.

This and get advice from your solicitor

Original poster
BookArt · 31/03/2024 18:12

Thank you , I have a meeting booked in for Tuesday morning with my solicitor.

Sometimes I know what I think is right but then I doubt myself and posts on here, and your advice today has really helped!

OP posts:
Lavenderandbrown · 31/03/2024 19:10

Don’t buy anything for his house. Send children appropriately dressed for the weather to his home. Sun hats are optional to me, I’m talking clothing coats shoes. If he keeps these clothes and sends him back in worn used clothing you send them back to him in those. The court won’t have much opinion on clothing but you can and should check with your solicitor. He does not dictate how you spend your child maintenance that’s for you to spend as you see fit not to provide provisions for his house. If you do this OP it will never stop…he will have an endless list of wants/needs and will repeatedly tell you the kids have outgrown this or that. He is their father he provides for their needs at his home. Clothing food birthday presents (if attending a party) etc. his time his expense

Mumof3confused · 31/03/2024 19:22

Just say no. It will never end if you let him carry on like this. Nip it in the bud.

hellsBells246 · 31/03/2024 19:33

BookArt · 31/03/2024 13:13

Kids are 5 and 1. He's currently keeping the new clothes i have bought and sending them back in things that barely fit.

These shitty men always follow the same shitty script, don't they? What a prince.

Original poster
BookArt · 31/03/2024 22:28

Thanks for this, I've told him that 'I am unsure as to why the list of items were put in the handover book. Please go ahead and supply whatever the children need at your house, just as I do mine.'

He is pushing in every way and hates that I am not giving in to his ridiculous demands. I have just sorted out the kids things and will put them in his clothes next time they are with him.

He has finally agreed to take them to a birthday party for the first time ever in 5 years... waiting for the message asking to drop off the birthday present next.

Thank you everyone!

OP posts:
Mumof3confused · 31/03/2024 23:07

Send them back only in what they came in.

TargetPractice11 · 01/04/2024 00:52

BookArt · 31/03/2024 22:28

Thanks for this, I've told him that 'I am unsure as to why the list of items were put in the handover book. Please go ahead and supply whatever the children need at your house, just as I do mine.'

He is pushing in every way and hates that I am not giving in to his ridiculous demands. I have just sorted out the kids things and will put them in his clothes next time they are with him.

He has finally agreed to take them to a birthday party for the first time ever in 5 years... waiting for the message asking to drop off the birthday present next.

Thank you everyone!

He'll probably forget that one is needed. Or tell the parents you will be providing one later.

Nimbus1999 · 01/04/2024 06:27

BookArt · 31/03/2024 22:28

Thanks for this, I've told him that 'I am unsure as to why the list of items were put in the handover book. Please go ahead and supply whatever the children need at your house, just as I do mine.'

He is pushing in every way and hates that I am not giving in to his ridiculous demands. I have just sorted out the kids things and will put them in his clothes next time they are with him.

He has finally agreed to take them to a birthday party for the first time ever in 5 years... waiting for the message asking to drop off the birthday present next.

Thank you everyone!

OMG I had this battle for months! He expected me to buy all birthday presents and provide to him, for parties on his weekend.

I absolutely refused, stood firm and now this issue has finally gone away.

I then had the battle that he expected me to collect them from school on the Friday of his weekend, and drop to him (he only looked after them 4 nights a month). Again, I stood firm and eventually he accepted not my responsibility.

When we swapped to 50/50 shared care, I was expected to buy and provide all the school uniform for his 50% even though he no longer paid any child maintenance. It’s an ongoing battle to now get him to contribute half of joint expenses.

They definitely seem to be following the same script!

My only warning to you is, my situation quickly descended to him not paying CM and him demanding 50% shared care. Your babies are only young though so hopefully this won’t happen to you. Prepare solid arguments in case it does though.

Original poster
BookArt · 01/04/2024 07:36

@Nimbus1999 he wants 50/50, but due to his erratic behaviour he currently doesn't. His plan is to build up to 50/50 over the course of the next 8 months but in the two weeks this agreement has been in place he's already done some questionable things, not as much as before, but that is why I'm seeing the solicitor Tuesday.

He openly.told me he is going for shared because he doesn't want to pay CM .

OP posts:
Original poster
BookArt · 01/04/2024 07:39

@TargetPractice11 I wouldn't be surprised now you've said that! For 6 weeks he took our eldest to football training and didn't pay. When our CC agreement changed I then had to backdate the payments. Infuriating.

OP posts:
SauronsArsehole · 01/04/2024 07:44

Mumof3confused · 31/03/2024 23:07

Send them back only in what they came in.

Yes this. I would get some really crappy clothes he’ll hate to send them to him in. Keep the nice stuff at home if he’s not going to return for the kids to wear.

it’s the kids clothes FFS so he’s stealing from them. Not OP.

Mindymomo · 01/04/2024 07:58

Whilst you want your DC in nice, new clothes when they go to him, if he’s keeping them, then I would just send them in anything that is just ok, going forward tell him it’s best to have his own supply of everything. I would hope the Court will not allow 50/50 until your youngest is older. Re football fees, I used to collect cash fees for my DS’s team. You could tell the separated fathers, as soon as I approached them, they would start to walk away and then say to me I needed to get money from the boys mum. I said it doesn’t work like that, it’s down to you to pay, as you are the parent here. One Dad got out a wad of £50, so he clearly could afford it, but didn’t want to pay. He said did I have change, expecting me to say no, but oh yes I did, there’s only so many excuses.

Mylovelygreendress · 01/04/2024 08:11

My exh said he would only take our 3 DC overnight if I bought beds, bedding etc plus clothes to keep in his house and gave them food to take with them !
They never stayed overnight .
They are now adults with virtually no contact with their father.

Original poster
BookArt · 01/04/2024 12:22

Wow, it is good to know i am not alone, but it is awful! I'm a teacher and had to deal with these so called dad's and always wondered how parents could be so at odds when at some point they must have been happy and chose to have children together. Never thought it would be me! I'm now apologising to school, Footy manager, nursery because we can't agree on a single thing and he puts them in the middle.

They went to his today wearing the oldest clothes. He looked then up and down as they went in 🤣 couldn't help but laugh, they're the same clothes they arrived in last time.

My son told me he is going to bring 5 teddies from daddy's house today as he wants some of his teddies at mummy's house, shall see if he's allowed, feel awful. Solicitor is currently dealing with the fact that he refuses to discuss Splitting contents or the children's belongings until I sell him my 50% of the house. So poor kids have not had any toys in 2 months at mine. I think he was hoping they'd hate it at mine but we've been so creative with cardboard boxes and silly games while be buys a VR headset. Madness.

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