A little lost in life

alittlepixiedust · 2024-03-26T22:19:06+00:00

My husband and I are taking a break/seperated. I'm not sure what to call it. It's all single sided and not something I want at all!!! We are close to the 4 month mark of him moving out. He says I need to work on myself and find who I am. I feel stupid but I don't know what this means! I am his wife (10 years, 14 together) and our child's mum (11 years) I have always devoted all my time to them both and never see/saw that changing. I'm feeling very lost and lonely in life at the moment. I don't really know what advice I'm looking for but hoping someone can help!

Laalaland · 26/03/2024 22:21

Do you think he thinks that you depend on him and your daughter for all your happiness?

Have you got any other sources of fulfilment in your life?

partystress · 26/03/2024 22:43

This might be way off the mark, but that sounds like him dumping his issues on you. He fancies a change, parenthood and marriage isn’t the way it looks in films and TV, sex isn’t quite as exciting as he sees wherever, so his ‘solution’ is to walk out and leave you blindsided and puzzling how to fix yourself.

Is he having your child some of the time? Eg half the evenings and every other weekend? If so, then maybe use that time to find something you love doing for you. For me it’s yoga that gives me headspace and makes me feel physically strong. For you it might be painting classes, or quilting, or running. But something that nobody else benefits from, it’s just for you. It might help you start finding out who the you is that isn’t a wife or mum. But do it for yourself, not because he thinks you lack something.

if he isn’t pulling his weight on childcare, then I’d be asking him when exactly he thinks you are going to conduct this process of self discovery.

FuglyBitch · 26/03/2024 22:46

partystress · 26/03/2024 22:43

This might be way off the mark, but that sounds like him dumping his issues on you. He fancies a change, parenthood and marriage isn’t the way it looks in films and TV, sex isn’t quite as exciting as he sees wherever, so his ‘solution’ is to walk out and leave you blindsided and puzzling how to fix yourself.

Is he having your child some of the time? Eg half the evenings and every other weekend? If so, then maybe use that time to find something you love doing for you. For me it’s yoga that gives me headspace and makes me feel physically strong. For you it might be painting classes, or quilting, or running. But something that nobody else benefits from, it’s just for you. It might help you start finding out who the you is that isn’t a wife or mum. But do it for yourself, not because he thinks you lack something.

if he isn’t pulling his weight on childcare, then I’d be asking him when exactly he thinks you are going to conduct this process of self discovery.

This.
he wants some fun and is blaming you

babyproblems · 26/03/2024 22:49

partystress · 26/03/2024 22:43

This might be way off the mark, but that sounds like him dumping his issues on you. He fancies a change, parenthood and marriage isn’t the way it looks in films and TV, sex isn’t quite as exciting as he sees wherever, so his ‘solution’ is to walk out and leave you blindsided and puzzling how to fix yourself.

Is he having your child some of the time? Eg half the evenings and every other weekend? If so, then maybe use that time to find something you love doing for you. For me it’s yoga that gives me headspace and makes me feel physically strong. For you it might be painting classes, or quilting, or running. But something that nobody else benefits from, it’s just for you. It might help you start finding out who the you is that isn’t a wife or mum. But do it for yourself, not because he thinks you lack something.

if he isn’t pulling his weight on childcare, then I’d be asking him when exactly he thinks you are going to conduct this process of self discovery.

I agree with this..
I also wondered if there was any chance he is having an affair. Why on earth would he move out so YOU can find yourself?? Sounds like bollocks to me and you don’t understand because it means nothing but gobbledygook. He’s not happy - but why / what is it. He’s not being honest with you here imo (possibly not being honest with himself either..) Have you suggested counselling? And what was the run up to this like- did he suddenly just leave? If it was a total shock to you then my thoughts are either he is having an affair or isn’t worth saving because he’s not really your true partner - he’s not discussed things with you and didn’t care enough to try to. I’m so sorry he’s treated you this way, I hope you can find some anger and some peace, you deserve better. Don’t let him gas light you into thinking this is on you- he has made these choices. X

Jonathan70 · 26/03/2024 23:28

If I were you I’d take his advice and find yourself - I’d make yourself a lovely life with your child where you aren’t required to fix yourself for someone to love you unconditionally. Don’t wait around for him to decide if you’re good enough, you already are! Take control and separate from him and start looking forward. Aside from his contact with your child I’d literally drop off the side of the earth in terms of his contact with you. This is about him, so let him get on with it. Best wishes.

Original poster

alittlepixiedust · 27/03/2024 22:12

I felt like that's what he was thinking. We had our child youngish and I do feel maybe he is trying to relive his youth. Whenever he gets a few days off in a row he always goes to his mates and plays Xbox continuously for a few days!

He doesn't have our child. He comes over once maybe twice a week, spends from lunchtime until about 8pm with us. Usually we end up playing a game or watching a movie or two. He has dinner then leaves.

He can't commit to regular days having our child due to his work. His shifts are all over the place and he is shocking at sharing his rota with me. I feel maybe I'm being too nice.

His promised me his not having an affair and theirs no signs or suspicions on my behalf that he is.

His not interested in counselling. I have suggested it. About 7 years about he went to about 6 sessions and said it didn't help so he doesn't want to try. He also thinks we should work on ourselfs before working on us as a couple. But I don't understand how to work on myself or why I have too, if that makes sense.

There was no signs of this before it happened. He was a little quiet but nothing out of the norm, his in a stressful job and he has witnessed some things that can play on people's minds.

OP posts:

Original poster

alittlepixiedust · 27/03/2024 22:15

Jonathan70 · 26/03/2024 23:28

If I were you I’d take his advice and find yourself - I’d make yourself a lovely life with your child where you aren’t required to fix yourself for someone to love you unconditionally. Don’t wait around for him to decide if you’re good enough, you already are! Take control and separate from him and start looking forward. Aside from his contact with your child I’d literally drop off the side of the earth in terms of his contact with you. This is about him, so let him get on with it. Best wishes.

I'm finding cutting contact really hard. His the best part of almost half my life! His still very much the love of my life.
My child and I are doing everything and trying our hardest to live life and have as much fun as possible. We just both want him home!

OP posts:

Pepsimaxedout · 27/03/2024 22:17

Find your anger OP. You are being too nice.

Ask him how the fuck you are meant to find yourself when you have your DC all of the time. Tell him you want him to have your DC every other weekend and at least one day in the week. You also want maintenance.

Read up on codependency. Because it sounds like you are too dependent on everyone else for your happiness. Do you really not have anything just for yourself?

WishesPromised · 27/03/2024 22:53

Sounds a bit like the The Script.

Sorry Op. I'd put money on another woman.

Jonathan70 · 28/03/2024 07:34

I agree with @Pepsimaxedout - look up codependency and why not attend counselling yourself? Write down what he has done/is doing and how it makes you and your child feel. Read it multiple times per day. Let some anger propel you out of this.
At the moment, how is this situation affecting him negatively if you are patiently waiting for him to change his mind and you are having no time to yourself while he plays Xbox? Going radio silent (aside from making arrangements re your child In a short, business like manner) might be the only way he understands what he’s lost.
Focus on ways to get out and make new friends, join an exercise class or yoga or something, do a course, carry on focussing on doing fun things with your child. Think about what you would be advising your child to do in thirty years if they found themselves in your situation. Then do that for yourself.

RaininSummer · 28/03/2024 07:49

Get him to have the children enough so that you can indeed find yourself again outside of being wife and mother. Get some interests, go away somewhere for a trip, meet new people. Will be good for you and you will be following his suggestions but I bet he wont like it