Coparenting and mother in law

[wildlingtribe]

Toxic coparenting, coercive control, and my ex lives with his mother who played a huge part in our break down.

My eldest has been alienated from me for 9 months.

My younger three still live at home.

But another thing is that my ex turned up and declared he is taking 2 of them on an abroad holiday tomorrow.

His mother apparently booked it without him knowing. And she did this without talking to him or me apparently. Whether he's lying I don't know.

He's also refused to give back the passports that I bought last year.

So much more to this but what do I do?

My daughter will hate me even more if I say no but he's breaking the law.

My heart just overrules my head everytime. I put everyone else before myself and the facts sometimes.

My second daughter that's going too - he hasn't bothered with for months really. She hasn't wanted to go there, doesn't like how he treats me but then at the mention of a 2 week holiday - bam she's switched on me. All four of our children do not have a good word to say about their geandmother. Then bam - eldest went and now second is being drawn in.

I have two of the passports back. I got them yesterday.

He just makes me think I'm mad (he has said they're going away with their dad, what is wrong with that)

He also kindly gave the little two a couple of quid. they were chuffed because are kids.

If I stop this today (they go tonight) my eldest two will resent me and believe everything their dad and granny is telling them.

"If you don't go, YOUR MUM IS AT FAULT, she's mentally unwell".

I know the best thing is self care, keeping myself grounded. I just find it really hard when trauma is apparent. I have had constant trauma for years from other sources including a horrific family accident that I'm caring for the person who is in recovery. My nervous system is absolutely blown. This then has a huge effect on sleeping, I can't eat, etc.

I feel like I'm damned if I do, damned if I don't.

I've heard so much about courts not taking this stuff seriously unless it's physical harm.

My kids (including the one that left) would always confide in me that they get fed up with dad's moods if he's smoked. That he slept a lot. Didn't join in with us.

Then one has switched.

Even now, some days or weeks he doesn't bother with them. They get upset, they feel let down. Even when he does have them sometimes he is sweary, talking badly about me. The kids hate it. But The minute he shows up - they skip out. It's usually something fun! Days out! Holidays! I try to explain to them that we can't always get the takeaways, trips because I don't get help.

My eldest also mocks me to my other three saying "when you're with dad you get adult meals, unlike with mum who is tight"

My girl was so sweet 😔

There's me at the food bank today!!!!

Social services absolutely recognise parental alienation, I have it in a report. Courts however only acknowledge alienating behaviours. Sorry OP. These humans are vile.

Call Women.s Aid. It’s the first step of you gaining control.

Don't let her go.

Explain that you would have been happy for her to go had it been pre arranged and the other children were going to.

You're not being unreasonable.

Don't let him control the narrative in your head. He is being unreasonable

Well they're there. And I feel so resentful. Of this situation.

He is giving them experiences and I'm not able to.

since you have decided to let them go, tell him they can go if eldest is dropped over for a few hours beforehand. If not, the other one won’t be going.
talk to them about you love they have so many opportunities that I cant afford to give you, say you should ask your dad if all of you can go next time though, it doesn’t seem fair they miss out. Also, I need notice. Warn your dad that he needs to tell mum a few weeks in advance or you won’t be able to go. The law says he has to consult, and I need to know where my children are. So you tell him if he really wants you on holiday and isn’t just trying to upset me, then he needs ti tell me in advance. I love you so much, have a great time.

plant seeds. Slowly. Say you love them a lot. Does he earn a salary, so you could claim through cms? If he doesn’t pick up the phone can’t they just start a claim?

Sadly I can emphathise, I lost both of my daughters to my toxic ex and his mother, it's been over a year, they are too enmeshed in thinking their mother is 'mentally I'll' because I had a breakdown when he had an affair and then gave no closure/no care after 25 years. They moved on and just forgot I ever existed. Stay strong

You are wasting energy on resenting him. The problem is not he is able to spend more, the problem is he is a controlling abuser, and your DC are being exposed to that. You have been offered advice, why not use the time they are away to try some of it.

Take back control. Again call WA, do the Freedom Programme. Get the finances sorted. You have no idea how your life will change once you start getting him out of your head. You can get to a point when you don’t care about his Disney dad stuff ( also he is doing it atm to keep control, he may not once you take that back). Your DC will see what’s actually gone on, and make their own minds up.

I know it seems impossible but take it from someone who knows you can do this!

@wildlingtribe

Unfortunately you final post seems to sum up the situation, you are resentful that his mother can afford nice experiences and you can't.

All of this could be sorted by mediation, put the children first and realise he has equal rights to you to enjoy doing things with your children. The eldest is obviously being spoiled, but what led to her moving out? Talking to your ex is the way to salvage the situation, not getting angry over a holiday

OP - You need to take this court.

Complete a C100, it will cost £275 to apply. You can represent yourself so it doesn’t need to cost anything further.

The way he is acting is not acceptable and will only get worse and worse. You don’t want to lose your children forever.

Keep a detailed log of all the things that are happening so you can provide it to court as evidence of his unreasonable behaviour.

Do not let him get away with this! It doesn’t sound like he is a good influence on the children.

Re the holiday - I think you’re stuck between a rock and a hard place. Could you agree to this one but when you go to court, tell them what he has done and insist that something is written in the child arrangement order about holidays,

Please please please stand up to him and don’t put up with this any longer. Submit the C100! You need clear boundaries that you both have to abide by.

Take action! You can do it!

@mitogoshi it the best of respect, it doesn't sum it up at all. It's a fraction.

It doesn't serve a purpose. But I can't help but feel this element does sting. The reasons for why I can't afford include the fact he doesn't provide for them and left me financially struggling. There's a lot to this.

It's hard to portray through an app but I see your points.

@Nimbus1999 in three years, the reluctance has been due to mind manipulation, getting to me while I'm down, also the fact that whatever I've tried so far (school, police) hasn't worked. Hasn't helped.

The other things are that no matter what I do, court or mediation - him and his mother will continue to do what they do - slate me, turn the kids against me. And offer all the trips and bribery. Disney dad etc.

And also I'm petrified of professionals getting involved.
When I was growing up, social services were involved due to violence and substance misuse from my mum. But I am so worried that my kids will suffer, also no chance of a third party. I don't have anyone trustworthy, and I wouldn't want to use professionals/strangers. I'm also so concerned of allowing other people to DECIDE where our kids stay and what they do.

IVE RAISED THEM FOR 13 years!!! But I know if something isn't done, he will continue to take the mick out this situation and control it.

There is another thing with that where the strain causes me to have dips in mental health (alongside a heck load of CPTSD) he makes me doubt my thinking. "Is he being as controlling? Is this holiday situation ok? Am I overthinking?

Always second guessing myself.

Some times I feel so certain. Then he will say something and I then doubt myself. And my rights.

She continues to poison my child against me.

What can I do.

Fight fire with fire?

How about “Shut the fuck up you poisonous cunt. You’re the mother of an abuser so get out of my sight.” when you see granny?

Bully’s depend on others backing down to get their own way. But they collapse quickly if they know that you won’t be backing down. This is why you need to start keeping a diary and getting the professionals involved.

So no more Mrs. Nice guy.

To the 12/13 year old “Why would I?” “Because you have more integrity and morals than letting someone use you, a child, to abuse your mother. And you have more respect for yourself than being bought off with a t.v. in your room.” You have to hold the line.

The starting line is their father is an abuser, he learned those behaviors at the knee of his parents. Children aren’t stupid: they know he’s unpleasant; they know that you will validate their feelings; (so if he’s horrible you can say “that’s very rude, isn’t it.”) but demonstrate you aren’t going to collapse in a heap at his nastiness.

@SGsling

This is what I try to decide with.

I've been the non-reactive. I've been standing my ground. Everytime I have my truth - I am told I am starting my a problem. And this is what they're feeding my child and she's siding them.

She's pure evil that woman. I honestly hate her.

She works at the kids school. So is obviously feeding lies, and also having inside scoop.

She is a shit stirring narcissist. A venomous soul.

She's even added herself onto WhatsApp groups regarding the child.

Bump

What a terrible situation. I’m so sorry you are going through all of this. With regards to the holiday I would let them go this time, however use the time you have to research as much as you can into your rights. You MUST get those passports back when they return to prevent such a thing happening again. Please contact Womens Aid for advice. I would also contact a solicitor (you can get free legal aid through WA) for advice with regards to foreign holidays. Days out I wouldn’t be too bothered about but even if they are taking them away in the UK - you are their mum and deserve to at least know where they are staying and how to get in touch with them.
With regards to your ex looking after your other children in your house- please if you can, do not have him in the house. If he wants to look after his children he can do it in his own home. He is doing this as a way of controlling you.

I hope you manage to sort this out - sending you a virtual hug 🥰

With regards to your oldest - could you organise a couple of outings for just the two of you? Take her out for the day or out in the evening, spend quality time with her 1-1, try not to rise to any comments that she might say about you or what her dad has said. Focus on building your relationship back up slowly with no pressure. 💕