Children and ruined childhood through divorce

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I am happy to be divorced and living in my nice new home with my children.

It's been a long, hard journey of several years in and out of curt, and a very acrimonious divorce.

The children are still not okay, particularly the eldest, a 14 year old (with autism - not sure if that will make any difference). They feel like they don't have a family anymore as it's fractured and ruined their childhood. They've forgotten how bad it was, which in one way is a mercy but in another is a worry because they may have blocked it out. Regardless, not remembering what we have come out of makes it harder for them to feel anything but sorrow at the broken family unit.

They still view us as one big family (which is what they want) and holidays and birthday and Christmas are ruined because one family member is always missing: they don't fall for the double Christmas and double birthday thing and we've peddled that for the past few years.

When I see a single parent with children I think of them as a family unit but never considered they might not see themselves as a family unit in their own right, just because Dad isn't there. No offence to the other parent that way. I think our situation is very unfortunate because of how unpleasant it all was. I was awarded custody and they visit their other parent alternate weekends and dinner mid week.

Is there anything I can do to help? They speak of their childhood as ruined forever now. I want to believe they can feel at home and part of a family unit, and enjoy milestones like birthdays and summer holidays, making new and happy memories during a period in their childhood that we arguable the most free and peaceful we have ever been. They've just forgotten ow bad it was and I am not about to re-traumatise them by reminding them.

Is this how it is for single-parent families? Does it ever change? I feel like there must be something I can do to make life feel good again for them.

Bump

No advice but solidarity. My ex has been horrific to me, my older one knows bits and is mortified by his behaviour to me and his deceit with them.

Youngest is unaware.

It's really hard. I feel like their childhood is in tatters too. It's very sad and didn't need to be this acrimonious.

Bump

I think a couple of things:

1. referring to the past as being difficult is not wrong on your part. I will say to my son that his childhood pre divorce was very happy, but when the arguing started it was really hard for me. And that is okay to acknowledge. You don't have to labour it, but it's alright to say that things were hard towards the end. So, perhaps more on an emphasis that they were witness to it- but that it wasn't universally always happy.
2. remember that kids can be self absorbed regardless. Especially teenagers. So it's not to say that they wouldn't find other fault if you were still "one big happy family". Sometimes they almost adopt it as a narrative to hang their hat on ifyswim?
3. get them involved in making new memories. So Christmas, ask them what they want to do to make a new family tradition? Is that curry on Christmas Eve? Watching nutters going sea swimming on Boxing Day? Having a fake Christmas Day in July- just because? We have a house of teens (blended), so we do pick out of a hat movie nights- where everyone puts in a movie suggestion and then it's lucky dip.

And good luck- and in solidarity. I think upbeat and positive, with a bit of "sorry you feel that way", but what can we do collectively to make the future "us" even better.

Not sure how I missed this when I did my bump today!

I'm so sorry you're experiencing this too. I just fail to believe it's the end of their childhood, hard though it is. But maybe I'm being a Pollyanna here.

Oh, I hadn't thought it could be typical teenage angst in the mix! I suppose it didn't occur to me because younger sibling says the same and is not yet a teenager (long way off).

I’ve been trying to make happy memories and I’ve been enjoying myself but it is marred by their gnawing wish for a father figure there too. My youngest said they didn't care who it was, good or bad, they just want somebody, which feels quite tragic!

You may have to remind them that their childhood and family life was being ruined by their father, which is why you divorced him.

They are wearing rose-tinted glasses. You need to take them off.

Sounds like they are just saying that to hurt you honestly and if you were think together it would be ‘you argue too much and spoils everything’. Try not to take it Personally, have a few stock replies. ‘Yes it’s sad, what do you want for tea’.

But wouldn't this be considered parental alienation?

I've often wondered since my own divorce last year whether if one day I had to tell the children the truth of why he left - he stated he didn't want family life and didnt love 2 of them as much as the other - whether that would be cruel and parental alienation?

But then on the flip side why should I let him play worlds greatest father for the one hour per fortnight that he sees them? Is it wrong to tell them the truth of who he really is and how much of a poor father he was when they are older?