Is this a battle to pick?

[Laalaland]

Ex and I still live together until September when youngest goes to school and divorce is finalised. He wants to take both our girls on holiday without me for 7 days in the summer holidays. I feel like that's such a long time for DD to be away from me, she would have just turned 4.

I think he should wait until after we have separated properly. we haven't even told them we are breaking up yet. We are going to do that once I've got a house and the move will be within weeks. Oldest is 8 years old.

We are mainly amicable, he will listen to me if I really object to it. The longest I've been away from them is maybe 2 nights.

Anyone been through something similar?

I think you are being unreasonable. Let your girls have a holiday with their Dad.

He's their Dad they'll be fine. Enjoy the break to get stuff done.

How hands on is he on a day to day basis? Does he know what she eats, how much, will he do her hair etc? If she's upset can he comfort her?
If she needs help is she able to approach him?

@Nimbus1999 this isnt aibu

@RandomMess like house work? In what will be his house?

@BaronessBomburst that's actually really reassured me as it's yes to all of those things. 😊

Do you have any concerns he may not bring them back or may leave them with family abroad?

https://www.gov.uk/permission-take-child-abroad
https://www.porterdodson.co.uk/blog/taking-children-abroad-the-dos-and-donts-for-separated-parents

@hshfj no not at all.

I think I'm just coming to terms with co parenting. This is hard!!

"in what will be his house"

Have you had full financial disclosure? including all requirements under Form E. Have you had CETVs form his pensions? An actuary/PODE report on pensions for e.g., stocks, shares... You may have, but just in case - get full financial disclosure before you negotiate a settlement.

rhetorical questions...no need to answer, just to consider :)

We've both just requested CETVs. He's agreed to do a full disclosure. He's going to buy me out

It does sound like they'll be fine, but you're still adjusting, which is completely understandable. Use the time to do whatever you want. It will be hard I'm sure, but do try and enjoy the time on your own. I'm sure you need the break after going through a separation, so do something for you.

My DH is an academic type and I didn't really trust him to look after DS for long periods until DS was old enough (and confident enough) to be able to ask for things.
Now, when they go away together, I sometimes think that DS is looking out for DH. He's certainly better with a shopping list.
I think that at 4 if your daughter is happy to go with your ex, and he's capable of looking after her, then you need to let her go. It's hard, but you focus on how she's off having an adventure with daddy and how excited she will be when she comes back and tells you all about it.

@Laalaland no like decluttering, packing, going out, seeing friends. Stuff for you.

If he took you to court then he’d get permission for a week’s holiday so it’s best that you try and get your head around it. 💐

@Laalaland Ok, just a follow up on your reply...CETVs give a cash equivalent transfer value. Pensions may not be like for like and, when comparing yours with his, look at the type of pension, and what the income is likely to be. A pensions on divorce expert report costs about £2-3K and can be really worth the money.

Even if amicable it's worth doing a Form E exchange exercise because it's so thorough. You get all the financial information on the table - split it 50/50 and then take into considerations needs - who needs more and then reallocate. Children's needs first. You both need to be housed, have an income etc.

As for the kids and the holiday, what's in the best interests of the children? You know your situation best. A separate holiday with dad if not the norm may cause them some anxiety...they'll prob be asking (out loud or not) why is mummy not coming? That's something to address.

Yes . Going forward he will likely be having them for half the holidays. Let him take them now. No need to add in animosity when you seem to be arranging things amicably at present .

I think the OP may be concerned the children don't know about the separation yet and if going on holiday with dad alone is not the norm it's going to raise tricky questions or anxieties in the children.

You're going on holiday with daddy.
Why are you not coming?
Erm...
The couple needs to address this for the good of the children, no?

Thanks everyone. Quick turn around!...I just spoke to him and he's going to take them for 4 days. Phew.

He sees it quite differently to me in that he feels it will be better for them to get used to us doing separate things now ( we already spilt the weekends in terms of child care) rather than do a family holiday now and then the house move and separate holidays come at once.

I disagree with that but it's only one holiday and I'm happy with the compromise of 4 days.

@Laalaland be kind to yourself this is a lot to get your head around! The good news is the time passes and than they will be back with you and it’s like they’ve never been away!

It's hard OP, but it's a part of things to come, unless you have concerns he won't look after them/ bring them back. It's the worst part of separating but if he's generally reasonable don't stand in the way

How have you agreed that he is buying you out without any agreement about your finances and without you seeing his Form E? don’t sign anything until you have a signed consent order.

As for the holidays me and my ex did exactly what your ex is proposing. For the 6 week summer holiday before I moved out of the family home, we took them away 3 weeks each (we had every other week) and this did really help the children transition.

Because we have roughly agreed on things between ourselves. Nothing is set in stone though. We haven't agree on how much he is going to buy me out with as I have little understanding on pensions (and we are waiting on CETVs to come back) and I will use a solicitor to advise me on what official agreement to go for. If he doesn't agree then I will use solicitor to represent me but I hope it doesn't come to that.

I hope that makes sense. I'm new to all the terms.

Good that you've reached a compromise.

I'm also getting divorced and when STBX left, there was a period of a couple of months where DD (then just 4) spent time alone with STBX - they'd go off and do things for the day. Within a month of the separation, there was a family holiday with in-laws for a week, which I'd been meant to be going on. I really didn't want DD to go as felt 7 days too long apart - but I knew that if STBX applied to court for permission, it would be granted. So I agreed. DD was absolutely fine.

It's really hard adjusting. Especially if you're the one who's been left. But generally young children will adapt to the new reality fairly easily if there isn't a lot of parental conflict. I think their questions and sometimes anger at the situation comes later, when they're old enough to understand.

PS as to what to say to the kids about why you're not going, we just said I had a lot of work I needed to do so DD would be going alone with STBX. She accepted that fine (and had a nice time).

I think their questions and sometimes anger at the situation comes later, when they're old enough to understand.

That is so true.