Child Arrangement Advice

[Summerkoala]

I'm just looking for advice/other people's stories of child custody arrangements that have gone through court.

My ex and I have been separated for 2 years and have two young children (2 and 5). I moved out into a rental property last year and he stayed in the family home.

We currently have a 60/40 custody split agreed at mediation where I have the children 4 nights and he has them 3, but the plan at the moment is very choppy with lots of changeovers, although the children cope well and the most they're away from me is 2 nights.

We live a mile apart and both close to school and childminders.

He is pushing for 50/50 which will split the week in half, but he's also pushing for one day each at the weekend which is very difficult at the moment.

We have the final court hearing for this in May, and I'm so torn as to what to do. As their mum, their primary caregiver since birth, the thought of being away from them for 3 or 4 nights in a row is devastating. My youngest is 2 and still breastfeeding, mostly for comfort, and is so dependent on it, but a 50/50 split will force this to stop.

My ex also has a history of coercive control and has bullied me for the last year, using the children repeatedly as a weapon, withholding them from me, removing them from my house, threatening to tell all sorts of negative things about me. I've sought help from women's aid, refuge and had to make a police report over Christmas because of the threats. He's also refused to give me any maintenance and threatened to force 50/50 split of the children if I apply for it. There have been so many incidences of coercion and control over the last year.

Despite all this, he has a stable home, is financially stable and is generally a good dad. But, I've been their primary caregiver all of their lives and my 5 year old repeatedly tells me she wants to stay with me, but I know CAFCASS will not speak to her as she's so young.

Has anyone else had a similar experience? What is the liklihood of him being granted a 50/50 split? Does the fact they're so young have any impact?

Any advice at all would be very much appreciated.

No actual advice as me and my ex were fairly amicable on the split, but do you think he'd consider moving towards a 50/50 split as opposed to straight away? So when the youngest starts school say?

I would avoid the language of 'primary' parent, as whilst this is technically probably the case, the court will see you both as being equally capable of parenting (unless he really is unable to parent).

Sorry he's been a shit in you, that sounds really hard. Moving forward, and when they are older, you could move to only collecting and dropping at school so you don't have anything to do with him.

I have read that a judge would take into account when a child is breastfeeding, and they will favour what is in the best interest for a child when it comes to this. They cannot force you to pump for example, and even if they're latching for comfort, that is your little ones routine so it is something that can be brought up if you wanted it to. Hope you get it sorted ❤️

Thank you both so much, that's really comforting.

I hadn't thought of suggesting a move to 50/50 when they're at school. This could be a much better option for the children. What would you suggest I ask for in the meantime? I'm so scared of asking for too much and it going against me.

Court look at the best interest of the child. And they apply a welfare checklist to do so. This is different for each individual child.

For young children and where there is parental animosity, I think 3rd party (school / nursery) handover is best. Suggest this and ask for eow. Eow also gives the children the opportunity to spend uninterrupted time with both their mum and dad

Have you got a solicitor? With dv you would be entitled to legal aid. Cafcass will speak to any child over 4 years have you had a section 7 by them .. how does the current order split the children’s time?

Sterli2323 I do have a solicitor who was advising me up until the first hearing back in October, and I have an appointment to see her in a couple of weeks. Although I didn't have her represent me in court as I couldn't afford it. I also looked into legal aid but didn't have the proof they needed for dv. As I didn't make a statement to the police, only filed a report as I didn't want an officer speaking to my children and scaring them. Not sure if I can have a copy of the report, I'll have to look into that.

We had the initial CAFCASS report before the first hearing, and they reported no safeguarding risks. Would I need to contact them again and request they speak to my daughter? I'm not sure how it works. I suppose that's a question for my solicitor when I see her next.

The children currently spend 4 nights with me and 3 with their dad, although it's quite jumpy and definitely not an ideal routine. They spend Weds, Fri and Sat with their dad at the moment.

The children currently spend 4 nights with me and 3 with their dad, although it's quite jumpy and definitely not an ideal routine. They spend Weds, Fri and Sat with their dad at the moment.
Why has he got them every weekend - surely the 5 year old is at school and needs to spend some downtime with you?

He can't force anything - the court will consider what is in the best interests of your children not him!
As Cafcass are not involved in a welfare report then they will not seek the W&F of the children. Unlikely the police would have spoken to your children, and if they did then they are trained not to scare them.
Apply for CMS - it makes no difference to how the court consider the arrangements.

What does the current intrim CAO say about the arrangements?

He has the children every Saturday until 6pm and I have them from 6pm Saturday through to 6pm Tuesday. Then they are back with me 6pm Weds through to 6pm Thursday, so less than ideal. However the children cope well and are in a routine now. It also means they don't go more than 2 nights without me.

The weekends are not working and one day each makes it impossible to plan anything worthwhile, I can't take them away to stay with relatives and they're always exhausted with me on the Sundays. But this is a real sticking point for the agreement... He is digging his heels in that one day each is the best arrangement but I am pretty sure he likes this because he can control what I'm doing/ stop me from doing anything.

You don't have to agree on all points - if its not working then make it clear to the court why it is not working and your alternative proposals. Speak to your solicitor and work together on your position statement and proposals in the children's best interests.

Hey OP. Your arrangement sounds awful. Me and exH have had 50/50 for nearly 8 years now. My kids are older though......one coming 18 and one coming 16. It does get easier as the kids get older but it's still hard going from having them all the time to just some of the time.
We started off with every 4 days and then a swap. Then it changed to every 3 days as the kids found 4 days away too long.
When it went back to court, the legal team suggested Mon Tues fri sat Sun one week and then Wed thur the following week. That's how it has rotated since the courts. No matter what way you do it, it's difficult. The kids end up living out of bags all the time and forgetting stuff which you have to go and gather up/collect.
My kids have become quite resilient to their father and his moods and generally use him to their advantage now lol
We had a hx of DV (exH being the perpetrator) and the kids witnessed this. The court did not take any of that into consideration, however I feel he wanted 50/50 as it meant not paying CM. He also claimed child benefit for the older child when it moved to 50/50.
That's my personal experience of the 50/50 split. I hate my kids being on the move all the time. They have gotten into a routine and now the oldest drives it definitely takes some pressure off.
I have tried to stay the bigger person throughout, no matter what happened between me and my exH as at the end of the day, my kids have still benefitted from him being present in their lives, and having his side of the family there too. He has a new partner and she is wonderful with the kids and has been a very positive influence in the relationship. I know I am very lucky in that respect, and the kids prefer her to be around.
I know OP that this is not an easy position at all to be in. It's hurtful, sad and terrifying all at once and nothing any of us can say will make this part of it any easier. It makes you angry and resentful, but don't let that eat you up inside.
I did find that the positive side to having 50/50 allowed me to find myself again, get myself organised and my work days on the days I didnt generally have the kids which allowed me to be more present on the days I do have them. I miss them a great deal and love it when they come.back to me again.
I am grateful to my exH for being a present father rather than an absolutely useless one, he does try very hard with them and they have had a lot of experiences with him that I have not financially been able to give them. I am grateful for that. Again, it has been a process and a marathon rather than a race, and a lot of self reflection on my part to be able to come to terms with that.
I am sorry OP for what you are going through.
Everyone will have a different experience on this subject. I just always want what's best for my kids. They will always come first no matter what.
Be kind to yourself OP. Allow the feelings that will come and go, and think about the needs of your kids first and foremost. If your exDP sees that he is affecting you by his actions, he will try all the harder to get under your skin. Let his crap just go over the top of your head and concentrate on your babies and what they need.
They need you to be strong for them too and you need to be kind to yourself to be able to do that.
You are amazing and you will find your way.
Sending love ❤️

Thank you all so much for your support and advice.

I'm reading more and more about courts awarding 50/50 despite reports of DV which is heartbreaking as its forcing me to come to terms with the fact that there's a high chance my ex will be awarded 50/50 whatever that may look like. We've been separated for 2 years now and in the back of my mind I always knew it was a possibility but it's never been imminent... Now that the court date is looming I'm really struggling and have become an emotional wreck, overwhelmed with how much it's going to destroy me losing time with my precious girls.

The thing is that he is a good dad and has a stable home and income, but I know for a fact that my girls would rather be with me for the majority of the time and will really struggle with being away from me for longer periods. They're both so young and my youngest is still nursing for comfort so our worlds will be shattered, but it feels so much out of my control. I can't help but feel like such a failure as a mummy and wonder whether they'll understand any of this. My ex has made me feel so incredibly guilty for all of this, blaming me for ruining their lives and their stability because I walked away from the marriage and should have tried harder to make it work. But the alternative is unthinkable as I was so desperately unhappy and I wanted to show my girls what real love looks like. I just didn't realise how hard this would be to face losing for half of their childhoods 💔.

Thanks again for all your messages ❤️

Someone who bullies and controls their mother is not a good dad.
You haven't ruined their lives and they will see in years to come that you did the right thing in protecting them from growing up in a home where domestic abuse was happeneing on a daily basis.
I've just noticed that the handovers are in the week at 6pm - why does he not collect from school?
You need to work out what is in the childrens best interests and evidence your reasons - you can make any proposal you like as can he, but neither of you need to agree it - thats what the fianl hearing is for - the court will decide. Alternatively you can ask your solicitor to make a Part 25 application for a welfare report from either Cafcass or an ISW.
You have to take control here and fight for what is right for your children, and not accommodate his lifestyle/threats etc.
Apply for CMS its for your children and there is no reason they should be going without because their father is a bully.
Do you work and have family support?

As he has near enough 50/50 it's honestly unlikely he won't achieve that aextra 10% as there's no real argument against it.
I would focus on the rota.

So 3/3/2 meaning you get a full weekend each and the separation is short.

Thank you all so much.

It's been a hell of a few days. I put in a claim for Child Maintenance based on the split we have now and he completely lost his mind. Sending awful, abusive messages calling me a disgusting human, disgusting mother, a monster, I don't deserve the children and he can't wait for them to see me for who I really am.

He's also now decided that he can no longer afford to take my little one to my mum's once a week for the day that she provides childcare (which she does for free of course) which is a 20min drive. He's decided to punish me by booking my daughter into the nursery for these days instead and making me pay for it. My mum is completely heartbroken (as am I) that he's taken her time away from her grandchild.

He also told my 5 Yr old, in front of me, that he would now have to sell the theatre tickets he'd bought her for Xmas as he could no longer afford to take them. Surely this is emotional blackmail?

How can I make him stop? My children and I can't carry on living like this, where he kicks off and punishes us all every time something happens that he doesn't like. What can I do? He's not acting in the children's best interests at all.

Why does he take her to your Mother's - how can he force you to pay for nursery?
Why are the handovers at 6pm?
Yes it's not emotional blackmail - its a cruel and nasty thing to tell a child re the theatre tickets - it's emotional abuse.

Because of the current temporary custody arrangement, he takes my youngest to my mum's on a Friday so she can look after her for the day (Fridays are his day at the moment). But he's now refusing to drive her there because he says he can't afford the petrol now I'm claiming child maintenance.

Handovers are at 6pm for now as that was what we agreed temporarily in mediation, but it's not ideal at all. The only person it works for is my ex as that's the time he gets home from work.

Is there anything I can do to stop him from behaving like this?

Do you work on a Friday? If Friday is his day then he needs to pay for his own childcare. You can’t change his behaviour but
start taking some control and make the arrangements work for you and the children, stop accommodating him and what he wants. Tell him to pick up from school.
speak to your solicitor about getting an independent opinion on what is right for the children cafcass or an ISW as stated above. You don’t have to wait for the final hearing. You can take this back anytime you need to, in the children’s best interests.

If the interim order is for him to drop with your Mum then he is surely breaching this if he doesn’t?

In this situation I would be messaging him and saying that in line with the interim order I expect him to continue to drop
child with maternal Grandma. that if he chooses to use nursery he is liable for those costs as well
as breaching the order.

I would call nursery and make them aware that you will only be paying for sessions booked by yourself and all sessions booked by Dad need billing directly to him.