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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

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Original poster

Difficult ex and child maint

23 replies

Miracle2boys · 20/03/2024 20:59

oys · Today 16:19

I’m new to this site and hoping I’m in the right place e for this advice? Will try and keep this as short as possible, but just give you some background. My ex and I divorced 5 years ago, he sees our kids every Wednesday and every other weekend. He doesn’t share any sickness or any of the holidays apart from having them for one week in the summer holidays and a few days over Christmas

when we first got divorced, we had a financial agreement and he was supposed to pay me a certain amount and within three months of that he told me he wasn’t earning as much and with no proof of his earnings and reduced it by £200. when I moved into my house with the boys. He reduced it again by another £100 an again with no proof of earning, I just took his word for it stupidly! Over the years he’s threatened not to pay if we’d argued or reduce it again. After many attempts, he finally agreed to sit down with me as I wanted him to help out a little bit more with his kids and spend more time with them. I said I was happy to cover all the sickness and the holidays, but would like him to at least offer in the holidays if he was working from home to have the boys for those two days if and when I needed it which he has agreed. I also asked if he would allow me a little more wriggle room and some extra days for flights etc when he had the boys for the week in the summer holiday, for me to go away with my new partner once a year as he would pick them up on the Monday morning after my weekend with them and drop back the follow Monday morning after his weekend with them he won’t commit to that, I feel it’s unfair to be limited to short haul only when he can come and go as he pleases I haven’t been away for 6 years he’s been away loads with his girlfriend!

Anyway When we met up a few weeks ago, he eventually admitted after me pushing that he owed another £200 (for who knows how long) but wants to now keep £100/120 a month to pay for his fuel to pick up the boys (he lives 28 miles away 30/40 minutes away) he’s now said he will give my £100 (that I’m entitled too!!) If I do two drop offs per month and I pay for after school club on his nights and him drop two of his Wednesday nights!! I’m totally fine about paying for the after school club as I’ve already been doing that to accommodate him but I feel it’s unfair for him to charge petrol, and get me to do half his pick ups and pay for after school club, the whole point was me asking him to help me out more and now he’s flipped it for me to help him out when I’m doing the majority as it is!! Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:

CoffeeMama89 · 20/03/2024 21:07

I would just contact the child maintenance service and have them collect it for you so you get what you are actually owed. He isn’t going anywhere near enough and it’s not up to you to be doing half of the work for him on his days.

Starlightstarbright3 · 20/03/2024 21:14

You can’t be something he isn’t .

If you want to go away without dc . Then do you have family who can help.

I am a Lp so despite my Ds been 16 have never had a holiday without him .

assuming he isn’t self employed yes go straight to cms . Cancels any conversations on the subject

Original poster

Miracle2boys · 20/03/2024 21:18

Thanks coffeemama89,

Well this is what I’ve been threatening him with as he wasn’t being transparent with salary and after weeks of him refusing to, and saying he’d only show me his P60, if I gave him receipts of everything, I spend the Child Maintenance on!! He is now agreed to show me it but not until he’s worked out his rights on all this! I just thought I’d give him the opportunity for us to make a fair model for both of us. If he just agrees to the fairer model I’d be happy without the extra £100 because it wasn’t about that initially but it p’d me off that he owes me £200 as my child maintenance hasn’t gone up in 5 years and the fact he’s lied to me and now trying to negotiate me, helping HIM out more, it’s laughable he’s the most stubborn selfish narcissistic person I’ve ever met!! He never really has the boys best interest at heart just wants to hurt me as much as possible!!

OP posts:

Original poster

Miracle2boys · 20/03/2024 21:30

Starlightstarbright3. Yes I have my mother and of course she would help out but is getting old now and doesnt drive but to be honest that isn’t my issue, it’s just the fact he point blankly refuses to do all the pick ups now and he wants to charge petrol for the time he does pick them up and I said I’m okay on the odd occasion to drop off if he can’t do it that’s absolutely fine if I have no plans but I just feel on my nights off he should be responsible for his pick ups, ive sorted out after-school club to accommodate the fact he can’t ever pick them up at 3:15 even though my child hates after-school club and I started working on a Wednesday afternoon purely for the fact I knew that it was his watch, and now he’s using that against me, he’s the only man in the country who can’t leave early even once a month to pick kids up straight after school! 🙄

OP posts:

Anameisaname · 20/03/2024 21:35

OP just go via CMS. It's pretty simple. You don't need to "pay" him petrol or anything. You don't need to give receipts.
He needs to pay for his share of the boys care. End of story.
In terms of holidays, I'm sorry but probably you will have to settle for short breaks for a while yet. You can't force him to take them sadly.

Original poster

Miracle2boys · 20/03/2024 21:47

Anameisaname · Today 21:35

sorry really struggling to know how to reply to each persons reply, so I’ve just copied and pasted it !!

yeah I totally get I’m gonna have to just have short holidays was just hoping he would see things from my pint of view!!

he’s gonna end up paying another £400 a month if I go through CSA which is the way it’s going to go soon. I was trying to avoid that being the nicer person, he pays me well to be honest but I’ll only get £200 of that, but apparently he can ask for a variation on petrol, but I don’t think it’ll be as much as he thinks he can takeoff. Pretty sure it won’t be £100 or £120 a month but I could be wrong. I would have to pay 4% on top but till more than I’m getting now and it will certainly help I I only work 2 days a week 😊

OP posts:

CoffeeMama89 · 20/03/2024 21:47

I would just send him the rent/mortgage bill, council tax, water, gas and electricity bills.(all those things that would be a fraction of the price of you didn’t have children to take care of) Tell him that’s where it goes and on top of that you still have to feed them, clothe them, pay for clubs and everything else for them. I wouldn’t give in to his demands anymore, you are doing so much in comparison.

ZeroFucksGivenToday · 20/03/2024 21:52

Seriously. You're trying to be reasonable with someone who's unreasonable. It won't work.

I genuinely wouldn't entertain it any longer. Go straight to CMS, get it through them.
he won't have the kids extra to help you out, will use every tiny thing to hound you with and you're having to dance to his tune. Just stop all of it and go and claim.
he can justify to them the petrol reduction.

Original poster

Miracle2boys · 20/03/2024 22:02

CoffeeMama89 · Today 21:47

I know I’m an idiot, I’ve let him get away with it for so long because i panicked he wasn’t going to pay me at times and he just controlled me financially over the years even during our marriage and now I’m asking more of him it’s messing with his lovely single life he can’t bear it!! Anyway I will not be sending him any receipts he has no right to ask, the bloody cheek!! 🤣

OP posts:

Fargo79 · 20/03/2024 22:09

I wouldn't bother talking with him anymore. He sounds a prize plum who is overplaying his hand.

Just go via CMS for the full amount you're entitled to and make other arrangements for childcare when you want a holiday or live with short haul only.

kayla12345 · 20/03/2024 22:14

That's horrendous OP. File a claim with child maintenance and let them deal with it. They'll review it annually with salary increases etc too

Original poster

Miracle2boys · 20/03/2024 22:17

ZeroFucksGivenToday · Today 21:52

Seriously. You're trying to be reasonable with someone who's unreasonable. It won't work.

thank you, I’ve given him until this weekend, we’ll see what comes of it! I even threw in the fact it wasn’t about money but if it was I have been advise that he has been financially abusive and controlling and I should seek legal advice which is what the lady at the CSA office said. I thought I’d stick that in his pipe to mull over the weekend!! 🤭.

loving your user name by the way brilliant!! 🤣

OP posts:

Original poster

Miracle2boys · 20/03/2024 22:26

kayla12345 · 20/03/2024 22:14

That's horrendous OP. File a claim with child maintenance and let them deal with it. They'll review it annually with salary increases etc too

Thank you, yes he gets a good bloody amount in commission too, while married, I saw x3 £10k deposits going into our mortgage account over the last few years of marriage, which on one hand is good, as it paid towards my house with the kids but one the other hand our martial house looked like shite 🤣!!

OP posts:

Original poster

Miracle2boys · 20/03/2024 22:28

Fargo79 · 20/03/2024 22:09

I wouldn't bother talking with him anymore. He sounds a prize plum who is overplaying his hand.

Just go via CMS for the full amount you're entitled to and make other arrangements for childcare when you want a holiday or live with short haul only.

Thank you, it may well end up that way, we’ll see if money is more important than seeing his kids x

OP posts:

Anameisaname · 21/03/2024 06:45

Miracle2boys · 20/03/2024 21:47

Anameisaname · Today 21:35

sorry really struggling to know how to reply to each persons reply, so I’ve just copied and pasted it !!

yeah I totally get I’m gonna have to just have short holidays was just hoping he would see things from my pint of view!!

Don't be the nicer person. He's not being the nicer person. Just go via CMS, that's the official route and it's all cut and dried !

Luckydog7 · 21/03/2024 07:02

Stop giving him more time! He's had months/years and is determined to give you as little as he can get away with! Maintenance can't be back dated so the sooner you put in the claim the more you will get.

Wouldn't you like to just never think about this anymore? To stop wondering if he will pay this month? How exhausting. He isn't your friend stop being the better person and look out for your own interests!

Luckydog7 · 21/03/2024 07:04

Also if the initial payment was court ordered do you have any recourse to go back to court to get his reductions returned to you? At the least that will put him in a position of having to prove his income.

Unless he has changed jobs people tend not to get paid less. It tends to go up! Are you sure he doesn't owe you more not less?

millymollymoomoo · 21/03/2024 07:07

Just cut the crap out, don’t try talking to him, just lodge your claim
TODAY with cms and let them deal with it

Codlingmoths · 21/03/2024 07:13

Oh my god stop. Go by cms. Do not negotiate. Text him and say all these years I’ve still been trying to help you have a relations up with your children, while you underpay for them and lie. No more help, no petrol, no drop offs and I’ve put the cms claim in this afternoon and cancelled the after school care for your day, you will have to do a separate enrolment. There is no need for you to contact me re money, that’s for cms now. It’s up to you whether you have a relationship with your kids.

Lonecatwithkitten · 21/03/2024 07:20

You can't reason with unreasonable. Go to the CMS fuel needs to be over £10 per week, which the highest HMRC fuel rate is for a petrol car with an engine size over 2000cc. If he is 28 miles away his average weekly fuel cost based on the schedule you gave would be £26.88, but if his engine size is smaller or he has a diesel it will be less.
If he is getting 10K bonuses you are almost certainly due more than £100 per month. He is not looking into his rights he is trying to work out how he doesn't have to pay you. Take away his power.

638298362a · 21/03/2024 07:22

Be prepared if you go via cms that he may just say he’s dropping the Wednesday night and just stick to every other.

good luck

Coconutter24 · 21/03/2024 07:22

Just go through CMS, you’ve tried being reasonable and it hasn’t got you anywhere. He’s thinking of his pocket not yours so save yourself the stress of it all and do CMS. They’ll tell you both the amount and he pays it, if he doesn’t you let them know and they’ll chase it for you

WoodBurningStov · 21/03/2024 07:53

He's doing everything possible to avoid paying for his children, that tells me he's earning a wage and knows he's paying less than he should.

I think you just need to accept that you can't rely on him for regular time with the dc. Also just go via CMS, what's the worst that will happen? He'll stop being parent of the year, doubtful.

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