What should I be fighting for?

[Summerkoala]

Hi Everyone,

I'm looking for advice on what I should be asking for/fighting for with finances following separation.

My ex and I only have the asset of the house and he will buy me out using money borrowed from a family member. He will therefore have no mortgage on a 3 bed townhouse moving forward and be paying a minimal amount to his family member each month.
I have moved out into a small 2bed bungalow with a monthly rent of £1200. I work part time as we have two young children (2 and 5) and am claiming universal credit to help with this. My UC covers money for both children, and my ex says this means he shouldn't be paying me any maintenance towards the children. We have a 60/40 split at the moment, is this fair? I have always been the children's primary caregiver and he is trying to penalise me for paying more into the house while I was on maternity leave.

Also, once I accept any offer, my UC will stop and ill be eating into the money to cover monthly expenses while he has disposable income from having no mortgage.

We have the court hearing later in the year and I don't know what to ask for. He's offering me a buy out amount based on the lowest valuation of the house, subtracting cost of sale and early repayment fee. Shouldn't he buy me out on the highest valuation? Or at least a half way point?

Would the court take anything else into consideration? Eg. He earns more than me, will have less outgoings moving forward. I am in quite a lot of debt from having to move out without any furniture or white goods.

We both have pensions, but there is not a big difference between them.

No other assets.

What should I do? Should I accept his low offer and just get it over with? Or should I fight? Anyone have experience with this?

Thank you all so much.

I'm just looking into claiming through th. CMS and it says there is a charge? Is this the only way to apply?

Thank you all so much.

It's been a hell of a few days. I put in a claim for Child Maintenance based on the split we have now and he completely lost his mind. Sending awful, abusive messages calling me a disgusting human, disgusting mother, a monster, I don't deserve the children and he can't wait for them to see me for who I really am.

He's also now decided that he can no longer afford to take my little one to my mum's once a week for the day that she provides childcare (which she does for free of course) which is a 20min drive. He's decided to punish me by booking my daughter into the nursery for these days instead and making me pay for it. My mum is completely heartbroken (as am I) that he's taken her time away from her grandchild.

He also told my 5 Yr old, in front of me, that he would now have to sell the theatre tickets he'd bought her for Xmas as he could no longer afford to take them. Surely this is emotional blackmail?

How can I make him stop? My children and I can't carry on living like this, where he kicks off and punishes us all every time something happens that he doesn't like. What can I do? He's not acting in the children's best interests at all.

How can he “make” you pay for the nursery? Can’t you drive your daughter to your mums? Document this and all of the other horrible things he’s said / done. Sounds like you will need it for court. You need to get a solicitor, as other people said you can’t afford not to. You need to negotiate the best deal possible for you and the children. Leave the child maintenance claim, he’s obviously kicking off because of this but he does need to pay for his children

Op should be looking for around 100k in order to rehouse herself and the children. She sacrificed her earnings by being main carer for the children. His offer is 45k too low.

As for his behaviour, make a complaint to the police. He is threatening you and harassing you and sounds as if he is continuing controlling and abusive behaviour that occurred during the marriage.

Women don't have to put up with this shit anymore.

Only communicate by email and only regarding arrangements for the children. Grey rock everything else.

You don't have to pay for a nursery. Your husband contracted with them, he pays them.

I did offer to take her to my mum's but he won't allow me to have any additional time with the children, especially now I've filed a CMS claim.

Thank you all. Luckily I am seeing my solicitor next week so will see what she advises aswell.

God what an absolute man child op. Document everything for court, speak to women's aid.
Of course you need child maintenance on top of your wage and top up from UC. This is perfectly normal.

I hope court wipe the floor with him. You can self represent I believe, but hopefully it won't come to that.

Don't settle with what he's proposing, it's way too little.

Your STBEXH sounds vile. I am so sorry OP.

Speak to your local women's aid. As there is domestic abuse (against you and your children) please ask your solicitor about legal aid as this might be available to you for proceedings going forward:

https://www.gov.uk/legal-aid/domestic-abuse-or-violence

The quality of family and divorce solicitors is really variable. Do not hesitate to change if the one you have is not that great. Many will provide half an hour of free advice or charge a flat fee of say £120 for up to 2 hours of advice.

Do not let your solicitor tell you to sit back and continue to accept this abuse. Divorce is difficult and fraught with emotion and you have to suck that up, but that is distinct from domestic abuse which is never acceptable.

Big hugs.

Then he pays for the nursery. I’d make it clear you are refusing to pay.

Hi Everyone,

Just an update and need some more advice. After applying for CMS, my ex has completely lost his head and I've been bombarded with awful message of abuse because he says he can't afford it.

He has also made an offer to me to settle out of court on a buy out for the house, as mentioned previously and is offering me £55k to buy me out.

As mentioned before, he's basing this offer on:

House valuation - remaining mortgage - cost of sale - early repayment fee (which is where I'd be willing to settle) but he's also subtracting half of the difference in our pensions, which the court said isn't worth taking into account, but he's decided to do this anyway.

My solicitor has advised me not to accept his offer as it isn't fair, doesn't consider mortgage lending capacity and housing needs for the future.

Since declining his offer, I've been bombarded with harassment on a daily basis, with him threatening to default on the mortgage, put the house on the market and force a quick sale price of the house for way less than it's worth. He's threatening to get us both blacklisted, affecting both our credit for the future.

However, if I accept his offer now, that will mean I cannot claim UC and will therfore be eating into the savings before I'm in a position to buy again.

I really don't know what to do, he's so full of threats and us bombarding me with essay messages daily trying to get me to accept his offer and be 'done with me'.

We have the financial hearing scheduled for Sept, so do I call his bluff and wait for the court to decide on a fair settlement? Or do I just cave, take the hit and accept it to be able to move on with my life?

I would report this abuse and threats to the police.

What does the solicitor suggest is a fair split?

Don't cave see what the courts suggest.

My worry is that if I wait until court, he'll follow through on his threats and we'll default and be blacklisted. We've got two children, so the reason why I've been keen for him to buy me out is so the children don't have the upheaval of him moving as well we me having moved out.

I have a new partner and we will want to get a mortgage somewhere down the line, but I'm scared that he's doing this to also ruin any future mortgage capacity I have with them.

My solicitor doesn't know about this recent development, but she said I shouldn't accept his offer because there's much more that needs to be considered eg. Both our capacities for obtaining a mortgage in the future, who has the children more and what their housing needs are. She said its not as clean cut as a straight 50/50 split, but he's so desperate for me to accept his offer he is just throwing threat after threat at me to try and wear me down.

What’s the difference in £ that you’re talking about?

eg 50:50 cs say 60:40 as example ?
what are the different earnings !

if the gap is small between what he’s offering and what you might get that’s something to consider

if he is really abusive tell him to back off or you’ll report him

You have a new partner? Could that be the reason he’s so uncooperative?

i wouldn’t want to be giving my house up in a divorce so my ex can move their new partner in. I’d be seriously pissed off.

was he the reason you broke up?

You split up a year ago and have a new partner?

I have questions...

Where did this dude come from?
When did you have time to date, let alone develop a serious relationship?
Does your husband know about the new guy?

We split up two years ago and I have a new partner who is female. Yes, my ex knows about it and that's definitely a reason why he's being uncooperative, but she's certainly not the reason we separated.

I moved out of the family home and am now renting. He's trying to buy me out so that he can stay living there. He'll borrow the money from a family member and will end up mortgage free with a small loan repayment to his brother each month.

The difference between what were asking for is around 10k, but I left all the furniture and white goods there and have had to start completely from scratch. There's also about 10k difference in our salaries, me having less as working part time.

I would wait for Court and in the meantime block him on email and only communicate through lawyers.

My ex tried to bully me into agreeing to his terms constantly outside the court process. As pp said only brief communication about the children is needed. Ignore everything else.

You need to do this OP. He chose this, he set it up, he pays. If he put down your details on the contract with childcare you need to report him for fraud which he will have committed. If he hasn't signed fraudulently then its all his responsibility anyway. You cannot sign a contract that makes someone who is not a party to that contract liable. Im unclear if these days lead onto his nights, which is simpler, or yours. If they lead onto your nights Id send him an email saying along lines of;
In regards to childcare on xyz days he can either drop DC with your Mum or allow you to drop DC with your Mum (do not offer this if they're his days) or if he continues to insist on paid childcare for his own needs that's on him and he will be liable to pay for it. That you are not liable for any childcare that he signs up for and that you have not and will not be signing up for any paid childcare, and if he signs you up for this he is committing fraud and you will report him to the police. No court is going to consider what he's doing reasonable.

I know its scary and hard but this is what you need to do to secure your children's future.

OK so, as its jointly owned obviously at the moment there is joint liability for the house.

I'm assuming that as you're renting and on UC you're not contributing to the mortgage? When me and my ex split I negotiated a higher percentage of equity on the grounds that I had been paying the mortgage. However I also had our 100% of the time so there was a needs element to that as well. How often does he have the kids?

He cannot unilaterally decide to put the house on the market and accept a dirt low offer to spite you. Legally any offers also have to be accepted by yourself on a sale so don't worry about that.

You can't really stop him if he does decide to stop paying the mortgage however, you do have evidence that it would have been done in spite and to harm you - keep that. It may work in your favour if you need it.

He sounds like he's throwing a tantrum because he's worked out his little financial plan based on not paying a penny to support his children, and now you've thrown a spanner in the works by making sure he does. I'd just block him to be honest and set up an email account for anything child related only. If he then sends email after email of vitriol to you I'd file a harassment claim with the evidence

@Yogatoga1 despite the fact that you wouldn’t want this. The op along with anyone in the same situation owns half and is entitled to half of the house, she can do whatever she wants with it including move in a new partner.

Honestly for a10k gap, I’d accept it and move on-

if you’re still part time you’ll be expected to maximise your earnings to bridge an income gap

No one is entitled to half. Everyone is entitled to a fair share which isn’t always half.

perhaos here op is, but the differences appear small. For 10k I’d let it go so I could move on with my life and get it sorted tbh but that’s me

OP I haven’t read the full thread but is the mortgage in joint names? If so, contact the bank and see if you can reduce to interest only for 6 months. I did this (ex also wanting to default so house sold but I pay the mortgage).

It’s all part of the government backed mortgage charter and does not impact your credit history.

Would maybe give you 6 months breathing space?

If you can and think you’re not getting a fair deal, I would hold on for court.

I only communicate with my ex via AppClose (recommended by court) so can you suggest using that and then block on other methods? Then any abuse will be recorded and he might think twice. It’s free.

The other thing is I got free legal advice at the lawclinic at aru. You basically tell them everything about your case, and then they speak with you for 30 mins via zoom and follow up with a report.

They was really nice and I found it very useful. And free!

I think I would definitely want sound legal advice before settling.

Sorry - maybe just tell him that you are considering his offer and currently seeking legal advice. Explain that you do not wish to discuss financial matters any further. Just keep repeating this every time financial matters are raised (I think I saved a note and just used to copy and paste it!). Stress you’re happy to talk about the children at any time though obviously.