Absent father really better than inconsistent?

[StrawberryTwister]

I often read on MN that an absent father is better than an inconsistent one but does that depend on circumstances? What if the RP has no family? I often worry about my children only having me. I have no family and please don't suggest friends it's not the same and there are often posts on here from people saying don't expect your friends to care about your kids. I worry about my children not having any family around them. My ex is completely useless and constantly lets the kids down but is it better than not seeing him at all? People have told me it's better that he isn't around but is it really better to have an absent parent?

@StrawberryTwister hi there, I can't comment whether it's better but thought I'd share what side I'm on. Separated 3 weeks and my two have only seen their dad once and he stopped making contact with them one week ago. This makes me feel so guilty and sad for them both as I instigated the separation. I just can't fathom how he can cut them off like this. It must be difficult doing everything yourself and off course you want them to have some relationship with their dad, you just have to work out if it's worth them getting upset everytime he lets them down for contact the odd time he sticks to it or cut all ties. You'll make the right choice. Take care

I disagree. It's important that children have at least one safe consistent parent. For the other parents it's better that they come and visit infrequently than not at all. I know what I'd prefer - father who loved me but I see randomly like an uncle figure or no father at all

Thank you. It's been a year since he last saw them now, he has never been consistent since we split but it's my guilt of there being no family around to make up for their father. If I had a big loving family so my kids didn't feel like they were missing anything I probably would feel very different.

thanks that's interesting as most people have said to me no dad is better than a rubbish one who doesn't make any effort.

It really depends on what he’s like when he’s with them IMO. Does he let them down last min, or does he stick to plans?
Does he show them love & attention when he’s with them & put them first, or is his attention elsewhere?
is he overall a positive person in their lives when he is present?
For me, it’s going to be more damaging if he is unreliable & also disinterested in them when they are together.

How about linking up with other single parent families to create a community- through Gingerbread maybe?

No he was constantly cancelling plans the night before or just not showing up till it sort of fizzled out

That's all on him then not on you- it sounds like you have done your best to keep the door open for him (rather than saying 'you've cancelled a couple of times now you can't see them at all.')

To really reassure yourself you've done every thing you can I would email him saying 'I hope you're well. The children would love to see you (if that's true) and I want you to know the door is open, please get back in touch if you would like to visit them or take them out.' Obviously if he leaves it a very long time then you'd need to think about what length of time and location is appropriate depending on their ages and if they feel anxious.

Have you looked for a local gingerbread group that could help you build your support system x

Mine are mid to late teens and contact is brief and inconsistent over 18 months since he left.

Oldest (in 20’s doesn’t live at home) no face to face contact in 18 months, occasional texts for birthday (on wrong day) Christmas etc. She seems the most settled an accepting as he doesn’t disrupt her life at all.

Middle (late teen lives at home with me) sporadic contact, some face to face but usually pushed in to it by me. Contact is always an ask to meet in the pub which she hates. Contact had fizzled out from her which I think means she has a sense of agency in the decision it’s in her terms.

Youngest (mid teens still in education, lives at home) it’s here that I now think no contact might have been better. She sees him occasionally maybe every couple of months for tea - max 2 hours - it’s always last minute and she feels it’s put in when there’s nothing better as an option. He’s never had her overnight, has spent one full day with her in 18 months and it’s broken her - she’s suffering from anxiety and is under a psychotherapist for self harming. The problem with sporadic contact is the lack of safe routines, the sensation you’re not a priority and constant worrying you’ve done something to cause the alienation.

it’s a mess and I struggle to know if I should be keeping the door open as such, or telling him to go away until he can give them something more secure. I don’t have much family either, but I don’t think that really bothers them.